SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LVI, Issue 17234, 9 August 1919, Page 5 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

AT THE 84/NK.

»i We ?P»S Water, Nebraska, was asked by an impecunious farmer for a loan. Ths banker was one of those peop.e who ere deaf for commercial . purposes, Ihe f&rmer was chronically want- "* hiS S9CUrity " «*' pleaded S &JST" *" *—»*." The banker cupped his hand behind his lame ear and said: - Speak a little louder and cut down the amount." HES WEAKNESS. viil„ roßy l ee « d y«»»«»t«r entered the village peat-office and carefully laid a .?«-.?* ° f lced cake on «» counter. With a, sisfcej. the bride's compliments, ne said, "and will you please eat as much as you can." The rab-postmiatnes smiled delightedly. How'very kind of the bride to "remember me>! Did she know of my weakness for wedding-cake!" "She ~ did," . answered the youngster coolly, and she thought she'd send you a bit of it this afternoon, just to take the edge off your appetite before she posted boxes to her friends." GOOD SEASON FOB THANKS. . Acert old farmer, upon waking up in the night, saw an apparition at the foot of his bed. Reaching for his gun he promptly perforated the ghost with a bu'.let. To his surprise the following morning he dis--0O k v - < **! at il was his own coat of which he had made a target. He was relating the experience to a friend who asked him, "What did vou «.5£ e y,m dlscovel "ed what it was"'" " Oh, ' replied the farmer, " I just thanked God that I hadn't been inside it. OUTEAGEOUS TBEATMENT. The average native of India is elated wheal he feels himself competent to pen a letter to hie commanding officer in English, & An Indian soldier lay ill in hospital and found that he needed his belongings. Ho wrote to his company officer in this strain: — " Illustrious Sir,— the cherished and admired officer of my company, whose shadow is like that of "the mountains and whose care for his humble servants is unfailing. I have the unfortune to lie up in my bed with such grievous pains. So that I humbly demand of you that you friendly approve of my kit-bag to be sent to me. For they have cut me in the stomach very outrageous, and, as there are several things in it that I must Keep, I pray you to let me have it." SOTTX, OF WIT. The agitation for Shorter speeches in Parliament calls to mind that one of the most effective speeches ever made in the House of Ownimons was also one of the shorten. Lord Ashley, rising to support a Bill for granting counsel to prisoners accused of high treason, lost his nerve, and his speech. For a moment he stood dumb, and then, by a desperate effort, achieved one sentence. " If, sir," he said, " I, who now rise only to give my opinion on the Bill, am so confounded that I am unable to expresH what I proposed to say, what must he the c ,nditson of that man who, without any assistance, ia pleading for his life?" He sat down amid the cheers of a House utterly convinced. STJFSTGIBirP. An irishman entered a large clothing establishment for men and asked for tie mourning department. The shop-walker looked at him, flympathetically, and together they walked solemnly towards the required department. The Irishman thought it would be a good plan to consult the shop-wa.lker on the problem of the correct wear of a person in mourning, no he said : :"(Js war* to do the might thing, an' oi don't exactly know what is the roight thing. What is the enstura for moumin'?" " Well," answered the shop-Walker, " it all depends upon the depth of vour regard to the deceased. If it is a very close relatiT\i Cr v friend ' yon will - of course, wear all black. For someone more distant you need not go into such deep mourning; merely » black band round the arm is often deemed sufficient for a distant relative." J' 0c exclaia>e, J the Irishman, "is that all? Then gimme a boot-lace. It's for me woife's mother." TOOLE BOOSTER SOOBES HEAVILY. _ Edward M. Flesh, of the United States Food Commission, was talking in St. Louis about snobbishness. " Snobbishness penetrates everywhere " he said. "It even penetrates our churches 1 know an old darkey who got religion last month, and decided to job the ; church. He selected, of course, the richest and handsomest church in town, the church with the finest music and best" preaching. Then he called on the pastor and stated hia design. But the pastor hemmed and hawed. He felt that his fashionable flock wouldn't welcome such an addition as the old darkey. He didn't want to hurt the old fellow's feelings, however, and finally he said : "' Go home, Uncle Rooster; go home and pray over it. This is an important matter, and it should be made a subject of pray or.' " Old Uncle Rooster wer.l home, and in a few days he was back igain. " ' Well V said the divine. ' Well, what's the verdict now?' rr"i A m prayed an Ah prayed,* said Uncle Rooster; 'an' de good Lawd He say to me. " Rooster, mah son, Ah wouldn't both ah mah haid about dat mattah, no mo'. Ah've been a-tryin' to git into dat chu'eh mahself fo' de last 29 yeahs, an' Ah ain't had no luck nuther." * "

THTSrY-SIX. There is a story of one Flemington, who had a mania for trying all kinds of patent tackle and fancy appliances ha saw advertised in the angling press. Once, it is recorded, he saw a new pocketweighing instrument advertised, and, natural.y, he sent for one. It was a neat little circular affair with a spring inside, and a steel band with the weighte marked on, and you hitched your fieh to the ring at the end of the band, and it drew out as far as the figures recording the correct weight of it. Then he went a-fishing and caught a chub. Out came the weighingmachine, and the fish was hitched on, when, much to Fleinington's astonishment the band ran out nearly as long as his landing-net handle, and stopped at 36. " I think it's thirty pounds," he i muttered to himself. Then he took his spectacles off, and rubbed them, and peered again. Yea, there was no mistake. " Thirty-six pounds! My conscience, how one can be deceived by appearances ! I shouldn't have taken that fish to weigh more than two pounds. And yet the machine can't be wrong, because I tested it myself last night with a pound of butter from the grocer's, and it drew : exactly fourteen ou«.jes." Then he* laid j the fish on t*ie grass, and sat down and looked at it, and thought about it, until a brother angler happened along. " Had any sport? ' inquired the newcomer. " Yc-es," returned Flemington slowly; '" I've just caught this thirty-eix-pound chub." " Thirty-six fiddlesticks!" jerked out the other. " I'm not surprised yda doubt the weight of it; I could hardly believe it myself, Flemington answered gravely; " but you can see it weighed if you like." And he hitched it on to the patent apparatus again. The newcomer gave one look at it and then another at Flemington, and he chortled: "Thirty-six? Yes, you're right; but it's thirty-eix inches, not pounds. For I'm blowed if you haven't gone and strapped on Mrs. Flemington's workbasket instead of your creel, and you've been weighing that chub on the old woman's spring tape- : measure H* 1