SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LVI, Issue 17145, 26 April 1919, Page 3 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

.'.. ~"'A NOTABLI! CAPTORS. During a sham fight the'volunteer offi. cer noticed a private standing upright. - "Hi What are you doing there?" he shouted. "Take cover! • You'll he shotl" '\ "It's all right, sir," was fie replr, I've got me foot on the ini/ny colonel's facet" JTRXEHDLY. . "Man, Sandy, is that you?" exclaimed m surprise an old man in the street the other, day. "Man, I thocht ye wero doid. I heard you were droonedr "Oh, no, it wasna me," returned Sandy solemnly, It was ma brither." "Dear me! dear me I" murmured the old roan, "Whit a\pity! Whit a terrible pity!" There was a somewhat thoughtful look on Bandy's face as he wandered away. COMPLIMENTARY. A city man complained bitterly of the conduct of bis > son. He related at length to an old friend all the young man's escapades. "You should speak to him with firmness and recall him to his duty," said the friend, "But he pays not the least attention to what I say. He listens only to the advice of fools, I wish you would talk to him.'" HIS AUDIENCE. The candidate was rather surprised when he faced the "audience'" to find it consisted, of one solitary person. Realising, howtiyor, that an election may be won by one, so to speak, he braced himself up, and delivered his address as to a packed house. After an hour and a half of pledges and promises, he wound up with: "Arid now, my deai sir, IwDl not encroach upon your valuable time any longer-" "Oh, it's all right guv nor," interrupted the "audience. 1 ' "Fire away! Don't mind me; I'm only your taxi-driver." BASHFUL. It was "so early in the morning, before the break of day, and there was a funny noise in the diningroom. Mr< and Mrs. Slubclub lay and listened to-that noise while the minutes ticked away, and both wore in a cold perspiration. "Someone's moving," whispered Mrs. Slubclub. "Go down, Herbert!" ■ "I don't ithink anything!" faltered Slubclub. "Herbert, are you afraid to go downstairs and face that burglar!" asked his wife. "Afraid Certainly not; . but you know, my dear, howl I hato to meet) perfect strangers!" * TIME TO RESIGN. A retired army officer tells of an army examiner who had before'him'& very dull candidate. The man proving, apparently, unable to make response to the most fiimple questions, the examiner .finally grew impatient and, quite sarcastically, put this question: "Let it be supposed that you are a captain in command of infantry. In your rear is an impassable abyss. On both sides of you there rise perpendicular rocks of tremendous height. In front of .you lies the enemy, outnumbering yon fen to one. What, sir,' in such an emergency, would you do?" "I think, sir," said the aspirant for military distinction, " I would resign." UNPROFESSIONAL CONDUCT. "Then you insist that the officer arrested yon while yon were quietly attending to your business?" inquired the magistrate. "Yes, your worship. He caught me suddenly by the collar and threatened me wjjih horrible things unless I accompanied him immediately to the police station." "Hum!" remarked the magistrate. "And you say you were quietly attending to your business at the time, making no noise or commotion of any kind?" "Certainly, your worship." "And what ia your profession?" "I'm an appropriate.', your worship." "An impropriator? Of what?" "Of other people's possessions, your worship! The newspapers, perhaps, would describe me S3 a burglar!"

NO -VISITS FOR THEM. The kirks was in urgent need of repair, and Sandy McNab, a. very popular .member, had been invited to collect subscriptions for the purpose. One day the minister met Sandy, walking irresolutely along the road. ■. The good man alb once guessed the cause, "Sandy," he said earnestly. 'I'm sorry to see ye in this state." "Ah, weel, it's for the good o* the cause," replied ..the delinquent, happily. "Ye Bee, meenister, it's a' through these subscreeptions. I've been doun She glen collwtin fun's, an' at every houae. they ma'-' ■ me hae a wee drappie." "Eve v hoiiael But—but, rarely,' Sandy, them are some of the kirk members who ate teetotallers?"

"Aye, there are ; but I wrote to those!"

N HIS METHOD. "Are you willing to work for.a meal?" asked the ladr of the tramp. ''...' Ho extended his hands expansively as though work was the one thing in, life he hankered after, and his apparent sincerity overcame the lady's last scruple. She retired into the house ind presently returned carrying a large vlate of iood and a businesslike hoe. Wl en the tramp had eaten Che food she aided him the hoe and pointed towards tht garden path. . "Now I want you to clean out that gutter. You see, it's filled with mud!" The tramp glanced at the gutter, then at the hoe. r 'l never use a hoe," he said, "when cleaning out a gutter." "Never use >: hoe! Then what do you use? A shovel!" "No," said the tramp, as he moved towards the gate. "My method is to pray for rain!" KILL OB CUBE. A Scot whose wife was taken ill want for the doctor. "No, no, Jock!" said that worthy, "I've been to see your wife once a month for the past year, and not a penny of foe have I had." "I'm sorry," paid Jock, " but come this once, and, kill or cure, I'll pay ye— kill or cure. The doctor agreed, and visited Jock's wife. She died. When it was decently possible the doctor asked Jock for bis fee. But Jock was as unwilling to pay as ever. "But you said 'kill or cure, you'd pay," said the .doctor angrily. ' ' "Well, did ye cure her?" askod Jock, excitedly. "No/' said the doctor; "but-" " Then did ye kill her?" went on Jock. " No-o-!" said the doctor. "Vena weel, then!" said Jock. A PINCH 07 SENSATION. A popular archbishop of Dublin was towards the, of his life so absentminded that it often led to startling developments. He was attending an important dinner one evening when his fellow guests were Startled by the archbishop suddenly rising from his seat and crying in great agitation :„ „ " It has comeit has come! " What has come? " inquired a number of anxious voices from different parts of the table. • v " What I have been expecting for many years-a stroke of paralysis, was the Solemn answer. "I have been pinching mvsolf for'the last two minutes, arid find my leg entirely without sensation. His hostess looked up with an amused smile. "Pardon me for contradicting you, my dear archbishop," she said, "but its me that you have been pinching.