ODDS and ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LVI, Issue 17139, 19 April 1919, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS and ENDS.

<tr '7"" : '« : | ■• .V " ••' f "So you are going to send your wife |2:. kway'to the country for a rest!" "*? s > • IU l need '& badly." "\ •• >• s ; si ___ Professor: "Do you subscribe to th© Ollfliieory of evolution?" Mr. Newnch: I • f ; foii't. tliink so. " -Where's it pubhsned? - I'- ' _ is'' "Did you tell Tommy he mustn't ask ' s''' visitors for money?" "Yea but I no''?K tic© he leaves his bank ostentatiOUß.y ltt * * 1 the parlour." V. "I hear that vou said I was the biggest ,■ fool in town." "No, sir, I did not. I '> do not i. orisider you capable of taking first . rank in anything. ' Tenderfoot: "Why do they use kndts on the ocean instead of miles?" Second-class II • Scout: "Well, you see, they couliln t have the ocean tide without knots." "And the audience, my boy, were glued to their Mats," said the delighted actor. * "That certainly was a neat way of keep- - irip them there,' ' said the critic. Sunday School Teacher: "What do you finder stand by suffering for .righteous- - ness' sake?" Little Girl. 1 miss, ft means having to come to bunday School." She : "I hear you are engaged to an actress." Be: "Yes; but I tried to break it off." She : "Indeed, and what are her • terms?" He (sadly): "Annexation or indemnity." Lodger (facetiously): "This steak is like » cold day in June. Mrs. Borden-— very rare. ' Landlady (crustily): "And your board bill is like March weather— always unsettled." Wifey: "According to this paper, hot [waiter will prevent wrinkles," Hubby: •Don't believe it. Look how. wrinkled Sniff is, and his wife keeps him in hot water all the time." "Stop it! Are you trying to shake thai ; tick man's ribs loose?" "No,, not that. But I just gave him his medicine, and I forgot to shake it. as you told me to, so I'm doing it now." "Harry, dear, you love me more than snythiag else in "the world, dpn't. you?" ; "Of course "And you wouldn't give me up for a million pounds?" "Hm! Any- : body offered Mat!" "I am afraid to ask her to be mine, •sighed Mr. Youngchap. "If she refuses ■ me 1 will be miserable all the rest of'my life." "Huh!" growled Mr. Benedict. "What difference does & make? If she pecepts you the' result will probably be the same." BETWEEN THEM. Johnny was swanking. "My father and I know everything in the world," said he to his companion. "•= "All right," said tho latter. "Where - is Asia?" It was a &i£: question; but the little ■'* fellow answered coolly: "That u one of the questions my father knows." >. THE ARTIST'S REPUTATION. A distinguished artist was once urged' by all his friends to try and gain admis-' Bion to She Royal Academy, but all their persuasions proved of no/ avail. At last ithey asked him the reasoji, "Well," ha said, "I am belter as I am. '.If I were elected many people would Bay, •Why is he elected?' whereas at present i most people say, 'Why isn't he elected?' " FLAYING TEE GAME. ! A Scotsman who was dressing for the Uew Year festivities, wast discovered by lis wife pulling weird facts irf the mirror. • "Jock!" she asked. "What are you Soing?" ' "Oh," said Jock, grinning. '1 know what the kids are giving me as a present this year; and ad I'm net supposed j to know," I'm practising a look of intense turpi jse!" I NEARER THE MARK. A man dining at a West End restaurant found himself seated next to a wellknown newspaper paragraphist, with whom ne got into conversation. After compli-1 menting him on his work he asked him, "How on earth do you write twenty jokes a day?" "With a typewriter," the newspaper man answered with a smile. "Is fcliat so,?" said the other, "I < tlought. you used some copying process!" NO NEED FOB SWANK. The waiters were dis crossing their { atrons. 1 i "When I first-saw thai, man," said the I head-waiter, indicating a diner, "he | couldn't have been making more than a thousand a year. I'll bet it's tea thousand now." • "What makes you think that?" asked the underlings. "Why," said the head, "he used to give * me a half-crown tip, but now he only gives me sixpence." KISSES SERVED. Newhusband had got to the state when ~ burnt bacon becomes a thing that matters. "What's this?" he growled, looking at the blackened scraps. "Cook's burnt it," said his wife apolo- , getically. "Obviously," said Newhusband. "Have you given her the sack?" "Oh, no; I can't gelt another," said his wife. "Won't you be satisfied with a kiss lor breakfast this morning?" 'I suppose I shall have to be," said Newhusband; "call her in." CHARITY ' It was a wet day, and mother had i drawn tho children round her at the nur- ° eery window and was telling them stories ' ?.bou!t the passers-by. . Some little ragged children passed, and ■ the mother said pathetically*? 1 "Darlings, those dear little boys have 4 no father and rio mother and no Aunt J i!ie. A rent vnu sorry for them?" "Oh, poor little boys!" said Willie, not looking very grieved. Then after a moment lif? said with cheerful alacrity : 'Mammy, dear, may we give them Aunt Jane?" A METAPHORICAL REBUFF. Aft r a irreat deal of persuasion the eld ft n'Jen.an Imd been prevailed upon in spend .i <oup!<' of weeks in London with hi d:i!igh!''r, hiit as ho had not! tr:i\«ilii! allv great, distance for a matter' of nl:ti:,l tl 'if.v )'• ars. lie was extremely! iiMT, im a. io his own saftfly and that (l his 'j.At every slop they made' In- kl.ii I. !;i 1 luMil nut 'of the window and! ii;f,ui.i-.i in a:i irritah'o voire if his lug- [ ease «...< mf.- At last the long-suffering j p.nr.' < ■ -us.! id i". mi longer. 1 .. fr," in- yelled, "hut if you'd | been li. i: .i*i i ■' | haul instead of an ass' vh v..,■ i ! ■ I !i. v.- I..id vour trunk with , Vf ii " ! THE RETORT I' l «.m i ■!. ajii l ./ ii hi'iMilhleiis crowd 'tli 'V- mi Mm. >i..iv of a shipwreck, and * I '• vv In- am! his ina'is 11arI e.H. aped on a r.il', ti'l after i)ia• v exiiiini' adventures' had land. il nil a di •• 1 1 ula id ! " V l "' 'I." i 1 "I thai there island," I"' H/I'll in, j.f-1—- .en . " '. I- n,| M all 1,,), ""'lt." 1 " 1 ' '; -I t:,e . iijeelioitali'e pel,-on v,!,m -1..1 „, in ,p„d:, u - a good »lory, " tint V, tjj,' t .In. .Ink. LohnU'ls ain't, rod bi-f .i«• ihev',.- I,oiled." i > Jack was silent, fur a iniiinent ; it,' ; ..seemed Unit lie Imd lit l„„t m,<t lii„ \y, lP| , .4100. , lt . m >}. ii <t»>ile lit up !,,« face. ■ /'! l 1 ; vno didn't know that?" ho u«L,-,| ul (tin- .primmer, •• '| h ls 0 ,.„ •' -j