SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LVI, Issue 17139, 19 April 1919, Page 3 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

NURSE SPEAKS UP.

After the third addition to the family it became necessary to secure the services of a .permanent nurse. "Now, my husband is very particular whom I engage as a nurse," said the mistress to a girl who had applied for the position. "He wishes me to go into the most minute details about your qualifications. Do you know how to prepare food ? Can you sew and mend? Do you mind sitting up late at night? Are you faithful and devoted, and have you a kind, loving disposition? Will you—" "Excuse me, ma'am am I to take care of the baby or your husband?" replied the girl. some INVITATION. A sponger, who lived by visiting his neighbours at meal times, called one day at a house where he had not been very heartily welcomed hitherto. He knocked at the door, and was very surprised to hear a cordial voice crv: " Come in!" The sponger, with visions of a free dinner, tried the door, then shouted: "It's locked!" Come in!" "It's locked!" At that point a woman put her head out of a window next door and said: " There's no one at home. You're talk, ing to the parrot!" ALL HIS FAULT. One witness in a recent police court case was an old Irishwoman. Immediately the prisoner's lawyer asked Her' a question she began talking, and talked and talked and talked. "Stop! Stop ordered the magistrate, hammering on his desk. But the old woman still talked on. "Here, you in the witness-box, do be quiet!" thundered the magistrate again. "Oh, do stop for a minute!" And the old» woman still went on. Then the magistrate 'turned angrily on the lawyer. "Look here, Mr. Muggs," he shouted, "you started her—now stop her!"

OVERLOOKED. Ho resided in the suburbs, and when he accidentally met an old friend in the city who persuaded him to remain in town for the evening he went to the telegraph office and wired hie wife as follows "Missed the five-thirty train. Don't keert dinner waiting. Shall be home late." It, was very, very late when he did arrive home, and his wife met him at the door.

"Did you get my message!" he said, beaming down at her. "Yes," she said, very quietly, 'but I would like you to explain why you 6ent a message at four-twenty-eieht telling me you had missed the five-thirty train." DISTINGUISHED PICKPOCKETS.

At a dinner given by the Prime Minister of a little kingdom which shall be nameless a distinguished diplomat complained to his host that the Minister for Justice, who had been Bitting on his left, had stolen his watch. •' Ah, he shouldn't have done that," said the Prime Minister, in tones of annoyance; "I will get it back for you." Sure enough, towards the end of the evening the watch was returned to its owner. "And what did he say?" asked the diplomat. " Sh-h," cautioned the host, glancing anxiously about him. "He doesn't know that I've got it back."

THE SEAL HERO. Some little time before his death Lord Roberts had promised to review a boys' rifle brigade at Glasgow, It unfortunately happened- at the last moment, however, that he was prevented from coming, and a local person of nolo was I accordingly substituted. The managers of ■ the affair therefore thought it their duty to notify the ticket purchasers that the famous soldier would not be present, and when a small boy who was to take part in the parade came to get two tickets for hie father and mother the manager told him very gently of the disappointment that awaited them. " Oh." said the boy, very calmly, " it's no Laird Roberts that faither and mither are cooming to seeit's me!"

EVERY WANT SUPPLIED. Teased into »t, Boole had accompanied his wife on an excursion to the realms, of [bargains, and in the enormous building, I with its many departments, had become separated from his better-half. For an hour at least he remained lounging impatiently at the junction of many ways, where lifts, stairs, and passages met, and then, tired and angry, he approached a shopwalker. "Sir," he siad to the frock-coated and suave attendant, in tones of righteous indignation, "I've lost my wife!" Back came the reply with stunning force: , , , "Third floor and over the bridge for the mourning department." , But Boole waited on.

DID THE TRICK. The doctor turned reluctantly out of bed to answer his night-bell, and was glad to hear that all that was wrong was that Mrs. Mulcahy's new baby wouldn't go to sleep. He handed the excited father a powder and went back to bed. Next morning he met Mr. Mulcahy and asked how the baby was. " Foine, sir I" beamed the man. "That powther of yours did the trick." " I'm glad of that. And did the baby get a good night's rest?" " Sure, an' we don't know," was the reply. "We gave her a dose an' it didn't make a bit of difference; she just went on howling'. So the wife and I, we took the rest between us, and wint straight off to alape an' nivir heard the swate pet alt all!"

ANOTHER PARTNER. Johnson had realised the dream of his life and tali en his only son into partnership, in the business he had worked up himself. There was great pride in the old man's heart the first day they were installed in the office together. As the days went on, however, all did not work as Johnson had expected, and the youngster's overbearing manner annoyed him considerably. " Look here, young man," paid he one morning, "let's have a little less of the 'I' and a little more of the 'we ' in this business. Remember, I'm still here, and you're only junior partner." The youngster was quiet for a week, and the father thought his few words had struck home. A few'days Inter, however, his son appeared, looking just a trifle anxious. " I say, dad, we've been and done it nnv:! " he remarked.

"Done what? " asked his alarmed parent. " Well—we've been and married the typist."

A LITERARY RESEMBLANCE. Green bad been ip new lodgings just | one week, and had'arrived at the conclusion that his tenancy would not be of 1 long duration unless there was a material 1 difference in the quality of the breakfast 1 egg. He did not like to tell the land- ] lady point-blank, so he adopted a round- ' about method of communicating bis ' opinion on the subject. " Didn't you tell me you were fond of 1 reading Macau lay, Mrs. Bluff?" he asked 1 her, as he broke the shell of the egg. "It was my lamented's favourite reading, Mr. Green," returned the widowed ladv. , \ • I "Ah! Now I understand why you have your eggs from Italy. . , I " What ever makes you think that, sir. They came from a farm near here. I "Really!" exclaimed Green, with a pronounced sniff. "These eggs remind me most forcibly of the jLays of Ancient ,Rome.' Funny, isn't it!" | He had notice on the spot. 1