SHORT WAR STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LV, Issue 13967, 28 September 1918, Page 3 (Supplement)

SHORT WAR STORIES.

| HIS QUANDARY. A rniVATE in one «f the camps was asked if he would lure to be promoted. "It all depends on what you mean by promotion," he replied. " I don't think I know enough to be a sergeant, but I know too much to be second lieutenant." ANOTHER MATTER. Army Chaplain (visiting men in dotention cells and offering them consolation). Well, never mind, these afflictions are only for a season. : We are here to-day ana gone to-morrow." Prisoner (who has just been sentenced to 56 days' cells): Yes, you may be, but I aint." THE SOEPTIO. The Colonel (to hardened offender): "Didn't I tell you last time you were up in the orderly-room that I never wanted to see you again?" The Culprit: "That's right, sir; but the bloorain' sergeant wouldn't believe it" ITS BACK UP. The sergeant was asking a few raw recruits general-knowledge questions. " Private Pigtails, what is a hill?" he asked, suddenly. " Oh—" stammered Pigtails. "Come onquick," repped out the sergeant. " Oh," said Pigtails, " I should say it was a field with its back up ! " SHE KNEW BETTER. He was a discharged soldier who was out without his silver badge. The inevitable old lady stopped him with the equally inevitable inquiry why he was not in khaki. "I'm an old Soaforth man, mum," he remarked. " Oh, no, I know better than that," she rejoined; "C 3 is the lowest category!" A REASON. A certain young lieutenant on active eervice was much chaffed by his fellow officers on the receipt of his hundredth pair of socks. "Why, you must be a regular Don Juan," said one of them. "Oh, no," said another, who happened to hail from the same town as the lieutenant, "it isn't that; you see Brown happened to be a gymnasium master in a girls' school before the war." GONE OUT I It was in the front line, and William •nd Willie were having a bit of something " 'ot." Willie was doing the cooking, and suddenly he called: "Hi, William, yer blinkin' patent stove's gone aht!" "Light it again, then, stoopid!" called back William. " Got a match . "No. A match aint's no use. It's §orn out through the roof of the bloonin' dug-out!" WHERE, OH WHERE? As the troop train halted a big, husky negro poked his head out of the window and asked: "Say,, boss, what town youall call' dis? ,: " Plainfield." "And, boss, what State am dis?" " New Plainfield, N.J." Well, well! Ah dun been travellin* on dis yere train fo' foal- Jays an' nights. Where de debbil am diß yere France, anyway?"

NOT TO BE CAUGHT. It was examination day at one of the R.A.M.C. headquar* ira. " And if a man suffering from irwh. feet were brought to you, how would ~ cm treat him?" asked the examiner. The recruit, a Londoner, with a good knowledge of the licensing laws, quickly answered: "You won't catch me that way, sir. We should both pay for our own." A PROBABLE WINNER. The colonel of a certain unit stationed in India proposed an " art« and crafts" competition for his men during the hot season, when .parades were impossible, the suggestion being the cause of much discussion amongst the men, and the following dialogue was overheard one night in the canteen: — First Tommy: " You ought to win this 'ere competition of the 'ole man's,* eh!" Second Tommy: "Why, what's,the idea?" First Tommy: "You're artful and orafty enough, ain't yer!" CROWN PRINCE CALLED DOWN. Some years before the war the German Crown Prince got a very neat call-down from Mies Bernice Willard, a Philadelphia girl. It was during the Emperor's regatta, and the two mentioned were sitting with others on the deck of a yacht. A whiff of smoke from the prince's cigarette blowing into the young lady's face, a lieutenant near by remarked: " Smoke. withers flowers." ._ " It is no flower," said the prince, jocularly " it is a thistle." Miss Willard raised her eyes a trifle. " In that case," she said, " I had better retire', or I shall be devoured." The party saw the point. - LIGHT DUTY. On the square at the 6.30 p.m. detail parade, where everyone is anxious to appear (paradoxically! invisible, on account of being selected, mayhap, for some obnoxious fatigue, fire, picquet, or guard duty, forward came the jovial C.S.M., the idol of the depot: '' • "Shun!" he commanded. "Any good tailors here?" There was instantly a commotion at the rear of the parade, and a voice was heard shouting: " Here, major!" as a "Tommy" rushed through the ranks. "Right-o, my lad," said the 0.5.M., "the very man I want! The captain has a button ans wants a suit of clothes sewed on to it—come with me I" Collapse of parade. INSTRUCTING THE INSTRUCTED. A full-blown second lieutenant, was endeavouring to display his great knowledge of musketry. Sauntering up to the latest recruit, he said i " See here, my man, this thing is a rifle, this is the barrel, this is the butt, and this is where you. put the cartridge in." The recruit seemed to bo taking it all in, so the officer, continuing, said : " You put the weapon to your shoulder these little things on the barrel are called Bights; then you pull this little thing, which is called the trigger. Now, smarten yourself up, and remember what I have told youj and, by the way, what trade did you follow before you enlisted A collier. I suppose?" "No, sir," came the reply " I only worked as a gunsmith for the Government Small Arms Factory." THE ROYAL STANDARD. There is an American unit with the Grand Fleet in the North Sea, and the following story was told by Sir Erio Geddes, in opening on exhibition of naval photographs in Lc-ndon:—The American admiral, on going on board the flagship one day, said to Sir David Beatty: " For the first time I have seen the Royal Standard flying in the Grand Fleet." The British Commander-in-Chief looked puzzled, and asked where v the flag had been seen. < "I passed It just now as I came here," the admiral replied. " Look! There It fa!" Sir David Beatty looked, and the American officer remarked,—" That's your Royal Standard—John Bull on a flag." The flag shown was a blue bull on a white ground, and denoted a meat ship with supplies lor the fleet,