" ODDS and ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LV, Issue 16823, 13 April 1918, Page 6 (Supplement)

" ODDS and ENDS.

"Wobds aro inadequate to express my love.!' "I know they are, Ferdy," said tha dear girl. ■" Try caramel creams."

Heii" "Will you lore me if I give up all my bad habits?" She (protesting) : "But, George, how could you expect me Jo love a perfect stranger?"

Ivory li" Is your daughter improving in her piano practice?" Zinc: "I think bo. Soma of the neighbours nod to mo again." . „,.. ...

Mr. Algernon Smythe: " Johnny, I'm going, to marry your sister. What do you think of that!" Johnny: "I think it 6ervt3 her light."

Courtship is the ladder used in climbing to tile-marriage altar. Occnssionallv a man becomes dizzy, falls off the ladder, and is saved.

"My pal has gone to the pictures," ; Said a soldier in hospital to a Willesden clergyman. It was a cheery euphemism for the operating theatre. j

"I trust you love your neighbour,''' ventured the .visitor. " Hush," warned old Rounder, " our neighbour is a widow, and my wife might hear you."

She: '"Yes, a woman's first duty is to her husband." He : What's a man's first duty !" She : " Why, to become the husband of some nice girl, of course."

Mrs. Newly-Wed: "Oh! Bert, I have fallen in love with that beautiful bracelet-'' Mr. Newly-Wed: "Come on, you've no business to fall in love with anything—you're married!"

Mistress (to applicant for cook's position): ."Why did you leave your last place!''•Applicant: "Ton are very inquisitive, marm. I didn't ax yer what for yer -last cook left you."

Destiny turns on tiny things. Many a man whO'deams'her the fairest of the fair when he first sees her in her pinafore is, later, abruptly turned "from thoughts of marriage by the pin behind.

Jack: "Tom, I'm in a terrible fix. I'm engaged to three girls." Tom: "Well, that's not. exactly a crime." Jack: " No ; that's the worst of. it. If it were I could go to prison and have) some peace."

They arrived hurriedly at Ihe fifth innings. "What's the score, Jim!" he asked a fan. " Nothing to nothing," was * the reply. ~" Oh, goody!" she exclaimed- " We haven't missed a thing!"

J. : .t*. NewDentkt (in Frozen-Dog) "Will J era take gul" « Bronco Biil: " Will it hurt much if I i don't!" * New ■ Dentist: "It will,?-Bronco Bill: "Then,stranger, for yoiuf sake I reckonTd better take it."

Dad i- "Sammy, did you put your nickel in the contribution-box in Sunday-school to-day?" Sammy j "No, dad; I asked Billy Jones, the preacher's son, if 1 couldn't'keep it and spend it for candy, and he'gave permission." .

" Hosf dojjrou do, sir?" exclaimed the postman,'-'as »he '. greeted the. auctioneer. "I do as: I am lid," answered the auctioneer . with a' grin, Much the same here," rejoined. the postman.. "I do as I am directed.'' '.

An officer was giving a lecture on the care of* arms. He explained how they should be cleaned, and on finishing up said : " You should treat your rifle as you would your wife. Rub it over every day with an oily rag."

Husband (impatiently): " Where's your mistress? She said she'd be ready in a minute, and I've waited half an hour." ,Mai(U "She'll be down in a second, sir. "She's changing her complexion to match her new gown."

Mrs. Yonngbridei "Our cook says those eggs yon sent yesterday were quite old." "Grocer: "very sorry, ma'am. They were the best we could get. You seo, all the young* chickens were killed off for the holiday trade, so the old hens are the only ones left to do the layin'." Mrs. Youngbride: "Oh, to be sure! I hadn't thought of that." NOTHING ELSE MATTERED. He (despondently) i " Our marriage ▼ill hare" to be postponed. I have lost my situation, and haven't any income at She (hopefully) « That doesn't mat!Tier.nojr > -jny.dear. We won't need any. I've learned how to trim my own hats. r: '''*.. HIS EPITAPH. ... Paddy Eafferty lived ft wicked life. No one was tremendously sorry when he : departed; yet the Irish priest had to say ; something over his coffin, as a matter of . form, M _Pjatrick, w he said solemnly, gazing 'down upon the coffin, "you are gone, an' all of us here hope you are gone where pre expect you haven't." EEPARTEE. An amniing story comes from a provincial police court. Bill had purloined a watch from a local jeweller and Jock had sneaked ■ icmeone else a cow. They were both " chaffing each other, and the following was ; overheard: Jack : 9 What time is it. 'flat face?' " , Bin ;, "Why, milking-time, you bull•necked monkey. 1 ' he rUHEBITED it. The schoolteacher had punished Tommy •6 "often for talking during school, and .the punishments bad been apparently '..without-effect, that, last resort, she -decided to notify Tommy's father of his sob's fault. So, following the deportment mark on the next report were these words; '•'Tommy talks a great deal." . In. due time the report was returned •with : his father's signature, and under it was written: ' ; ! You ought to hear his mother." THE FINAL HOPE. . ""And," said the old party, proposing .the toast of the evening at a silver wedding; "respecting our host I can say this —and I speak of him with great confi-dence--that a better fellow never lived." -HeriThe paused for effect, while the assefrfhlod guests gave vent to loud " Hear, .hears." ...■Then he resumed: "I was present at .his christening, I was present at a banquet given when he came of age. I was ■present at his wedding. I am present to-night to celebrate his silver wedding." (Hear, hear.) "And, ladies and gentlemen,.! can only hope I shall be present ,ftt ilia funeral." PATENTS FOE POETS. ;,■ You are a spring poet, I believe?" began the intruder. "I am," sadly responded the gentle- , man of the third-floor back; although I confess—" "Exactly!" broke in tho intruder. "That is why I called." "You are a publisher cried the spring •feet» "No, sir," responded the caller; "but i I am general agent for one of the greatest money -saving inventions of the age!" ,' "Alas! I have no money to save!" .moaned the man of sonnets. j

' "But listen!" replied the caller. "My | ; invention is bound to suit you. It is a, little rubber-stamp, with the words' 'Declined with thi.nks,' upon it. You •writ© your poeni, put it in an envelope, j _ slip in a piece of paper with those words ■on it, address the envelope to yourself,' op»r. the envelope, read the slip", throw the whole business into the waste-paper .■basket, and by these very simplo means." /concluded the man of genius, "you ma_\ gave ten times the cost of my invention in a single weikj'i