SHORT WAR STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LIV, Issue 16621, 18 August 1917, Page 3 (Supplement)

SHORT WAR STORIES.

"TOMMY" AGAIN. The colonel of one local battalion happened to meet a sentry of a neighbouring unit. • Although recognition of rank was quite simple, " Tommy" made no attempt at paying the usual compliment due to that rank. This hurt the colonel's dignity. "Is that the order in your battalion?" he asked sarcastically. "No, sor, it's the slope!" was the unexpected answer. , " NEXT, PLEASE Joffre stories are the fashion in America even now, a sufficient tribute to the impression this wonderful Frenchman created there. The latest tale is that a crowd in a Chicago halrdressing saloon were astounded when Joffre entered, the same smile on his face. All jumped up and offered him first turn for his shave, but he persisted that the etiquettes of " Next, please!" should be strictly observed, and everybody smiled. NOTHING. "In the recent fighting in France," said the first wounded man, " the heat was enough to save you a haircut." That's better than having it same as I've had it," said a wounded sailor " the temperature there was often at zero." "That's nothing," said another wounded man. " Nothing? What's nothing?" demanded the sailor. " Zero," said the other, laughing.

WRONG NUMBER. There is a certain battery now in the tiring line which is known by the unromantic title if " C." It should be mentioned first that that battery has a C.O. whose temper is not exactly angelic, and on that circumstance hangs a tale. It had been a vary hot day m many ways, And "C" battery, having taken a full share of Che heat, was just resting when the base telephone rang. " Hello roared the C.O. '* Are you, ' C," sir? came ft voice along the wire. "Not" said the hot-tempered officer emphatically, '"I'm not Caesar, nor Brutus either!" AN •' ALLOTMENT" STORY. A man pat, in for a pass, giving as an urgent reason that he wanted to dig up hi» garden. Later he was summoned before the colonel, and the following conversation took place — Colonel : " Private Blank, you put in for a pass last week, -gave as your reason for special leave that you wanted to dig up your garden at home." Private B. : "Yes sir; that is so." Colonel i 4 Would it surprise you very much to know that J had inquiries mad» at your home, and nothing could be learned as to your having a garden? Now, what have yon to s»y to that?" Private B. : " Beg pardon, air i I don't know as 'oo made the inquiry, hut if It wasn't there, somebody mast have pushed it off the window -sill." WHY IT WASN'T WASHED.

A battery on parade at — was being inspected by the aergeant-major. In the centre of a waggon a driver in a " tab" had a haversack on which none too clean. The following dialogue took place: — Sergeant-inajor : " Out of cells again, Brown?" Brown : " Yes, sir." Sergeant-major ; " That's a very dirty Haversack yon have got." Brown : " Yes, sir- I only got it from the stores yesterday, and nave not had time te wash it." Sergeant-major : " Get it washed immediately aftei parade, and show it to me." Just then the commanding officer came on parade, and th« sergeant-major called the battery to attention. The commanding officer, riding along, followed by the sergeant-major, came up to Driver Brown (who was of a dark complexion). Commanding Officer: "Have you had a wash this morning, Brown'/" -Driver Brown: "Yes, sir." Commanding Officer (turning to the ser-geant-major) : "Do you think he has washed his face this morning, sergeantmajor?" The sergeant-major not having caught all the sentence, and thinking the commanding officei was referring tc the haversack, blurted out: "No, sir, it is an entirely new one; he only got it cut of stores last nighty