ODDS and ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LIV, Issue 16621, 18 August 1917, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS and ENDS.

<T, The German soldiers' opinion of " re- - tirement according to plan " Each for V himself, and the devil take the Hindenv burg.' 1

I"; A little boy was "warned not to remark r',". on a guest's amputated feet. "No," ho .'said; "and when I get to heaven I won't •' say anything to John the Baptist about his head."

William : "It says in this 'ere paper, every time we takes a breath it works a ; 'undrded muscles in the body." John: Well, -what are we goin' to do? We can't stop breathin'."

Firßt Society Leader: " How are the ■' acoustics of the new theatre?" Second ;■; Society Leader: " Too good. Some people in the dress circle said they could hear every. word spoken in our box."

"• " When you found you hadn't got your ;, fare. did the conductor make you get off and Walk?" asked the inquisitive man. < " Only get off,"' responded the literal one. " " lie didn't, seem to care whether I walked • or sat down."

" A Tommy home on leave from the front w/is telling of some of the horrors of war. - " I have seen sights round Wipers and _»-Harras,'' he said,. " that would make an angel weep. And," he added,' impressively, " I have weeped t'

Optimistic Wife: "I think cook is im- „ proving, don't you?" Husband: "Why, X'at dinner- to-night everything bat the -black coffee was horrible." Optimistic --■Wife: "I know but usually that's bad, -too." ' !

. Very Meet Husband: "I just finished \ writing- your speech for the club, Mariah." His Wife (not ; so meek): " What's the subject?" Very Meek Man: "The Lady Who Will Strike Her Husband is No , Man."

Jones: "Notice how Carstairs' wife make's up •of late ? I should have thought ha would , stop? her.' * Smith: . " He's tried "tofeels badly about it,*' Bat he says it's no use—she learned it from their daughter." ' - ' * A> '"

Stranger (at Frozen,.. Dog Tavern): " Queer thing. Wild-eyed Pete shooting himself. Suicide, wasn't' it?'* Barkeeper : " Suicide nuthin. Wild-eved Pete caught hisself cheatin' in a game of patience, thet's all."

Mrs. Peck: "We have been married twenty years to-day, John." John (with a sigh:* "Yes. for twenty years we've fought—" Mrs. Peck (scowling): "What?" John (quickly): "Life's battles together, Maria."

" I am convinced," said the proprietor " of the jeweller's shop, as the plate-glass window shivered into a million fragments and the chauffeur and his machine began to nestle behind the counter, "that the J taxi-cab has come to stay."

Magistrate " Are yon atiare of mitii gating -circumstances in „ your case?" -Criminal: "Yes. your worship; this is 1 the fiftieth time I have been arrested for v vagrancy,-, and I "thought that- perhaps vre might get up a*, little jubilee."

~< A number of conscientious objectors .•have arrived in France, and one of -their .number having a day off duty approached j ' a kilted Highlander, and said : " I'd rather • go into a lunatic asylum than go into a • regiment." Aye, I've nae doot 'ye wid feel mair at hame there," replied £ the Highlander with a smile. -A WIDOW'S EPITAPH. ' A writer in 'an exchange thinks this ' doujaie.entendre. on va . gravestone is the most" innocently subtle of ~his collection. - It is a widow's epitaph to her husband:— Tears cannot restore him, , v - Therefore I weep. £ WHOSE FAULT? " Jones: "What's the string round your "finger lot, Brown V Brown: "My wife's idea so that I wouldn't forget to post her letter." - Jones: "And hava you posted—?". Brown: "No, she forgot to give it to me." ii _ l\ PBEOISEIjY. Elderly Lady (to guard at station): • "* Which train do I want to take ?"

Polite Railway Man: "You will pardon me, madam, for answering your question ' with another, but the solution of the proposition depends to a somewhat broad ~extent on where you want to go."

1 NO COMPLAINTS. "Supposing I give you your supper," said the tired-looking woman, " what will you do to earn it? " Madam," said Tired Tim, " I'll give you the opportunity of seem' a man go through a whole meal without finding fault with a single thing." The woman thought for a moment and .then told him to come in and she'd set " the table. <•

WILL CHAIN HER UP HENCEFORTH.

A gentleman whose hearing is defective is the owner of a dog that is a terror in the neighbourhood in which the gentleman resides. The other day he was accosted by a friend, who said, " Good morning, Mr. S—; your wife made a very pleasant call on us last evening." " I am very sorry," came the startling reply. "I'll gee that ii don't occur again, for I'm going to chain her up henceforth."

- HIS OWN IDEA. % ' His dog was a fierce Airedale, which could whip, and had whipped, every other bow-wow in the neighbourhood. Then he clipped his coat. " Yes," he said to a friend, " the clipping was my own idea. I believe it made, him look better ( but it was very awkward for the dog!" "How was that?" queried the friend. " Oh, the other dogs didn't know him. He had to fight 'em all over again!" CAUGHT! The husband arrived home much later than usual, "from the office." He took off his boots and stole into the bedroom; but, vain precaution! "His wife began to stir. Quickly the panic-stricken man went 'to the cradle of his first-born and began to rock it vigorously.. What are you doing there, Robert?" queried his. wife. " I've been sitting here for nearly an "hour trying to get- this baby to deep," he growled. " Why, Robert, I've got him here in ••bed with me," said his wife. TAKING PRECAUTIONS. Wullie MacWyllie attended a christening where the hospitality of the host knew 110 bounds. In the midst of the celebration Mr. MacWyllie rose up and made the rounds of the company, Lidding each a profound, farewell. < '"lint, Wullie, rnon," objected host, "ye re not goin' yet, with the evening just fttairted 7" «. V. ay '" Ka .' (l the unspeakable Wullie, Irn no < K oui' yet. But I'm tpllin' ye good-night ,while I know ye ail." % t 5?,: — i JOOK AND THE WATEE.OAE. t Two Highlanders in Glasgow for the Jitv Th Wero taki "« tt walk trough the fSirmhrnZt e " co " r ' torwl . much to their a»toni#hment, a cart watering the street Never having seen anything V the Kd ,before, JamcH, under a mistaken idea ran ''X C 1 h" 1 Cr ' Ml ° Ut t0 tho driver : v/a ?!•> 11l: 1 /l'™ I .'' yer »» tho ! * ■■ ■ , by l '"'»™. S3 »id ' • 'ft R t^Tn? nc % man, dinna bo f tftlrt wldica off tho back g' the ■' '' lili: