ODDS and ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LIV, Issue 16561, 9 June 1917, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS and ENDS.

"Wxaxa, have you forgotten me?" •-.; •Ho, sir, not yet, air." ■■■ ' •■'. i- .'■ "They say married men live longer than bachelors." "Yes, poor chaps!" Knicker; "What are the prevailing policies!" Bocker: "FrightMneas and writefuuiebs." ,;,,;„ Gerald : "The drink went to my head." Geraldine: "Perhaps it likes unfrequented places." " Austria-Hungary and Turkey > -were represented by Charles d'Affaires in the absence of Ministers.' Timid Traveller: "Are you armed, captain!" Captain of Belligerent Ship: ''Yes! Five American citizens." Edith (conceited): " I suppose a lot of men will bo made miserable when I marry?" Marie: '"Why; how many men are you going to marry!" And now England calls out the married men. Albion is learning at last the necessity of having real fighting men of experience in a crisis like this. " Goodness gracious ma! What on earth are you doing, children—using up all my fine stationery." "Playin' Count Bernstorff and Secretary Lensin'." Admiral Scheer, just appointed to command the German battle fleet, is said to be a great tactician. That being the case, tie fleet will remain in hiding. "You can't believe everything you. read." "No," replied Farmer Corntossel. *' I never yet saw an almanac that was as reliable on the weather as it is on dates.' Passenger: "How do you manage to pet the men in your car to move forward!" Conductor : " I have the motorman let the pretty girls in by the front door." A patriotic young girl of my acquaintance has a new idea for Christmas. No matter what it costa her, she says, she is going to give 20 combs to 20. young men phe knows. Fair Customer: "But the hairs are coming out of this muff I" The Salesman : "That, madam, is a peculiarity of the animal; it always sheds its fur at this time of the year." Edith :" I think Jack is horrid. I asked him if he had to choose between " me and a million which he would take, and he said the million." Marie: "That's all right He knew if he had the million : you'd be easy." Successful Suitor : " Sir, your daughter . has promised to become my wife." Father: "Well, don't come to me for '. sympathy. You might have known : | something would happen to you, hanging • i around here five nights a week." l> - " I see your wife's mother claims to be : 'dependent upon you," said the officer. "Don't you allow the claim?" "No, sir," said the dejected-looking recruit. '• My mother-in-law has always been inlupportable. n . A MODERN SOLOMON. ! Scene: Police Court during dispute over . eight-day clock. •'• Magistrate: "I award the clock to the plaintiff." .': Defendant: " Then what do I get!" «... Magistrate: ". T 'll give you the eight Says." ' ;• . %*$ " . WHERE ABE THEY? r\j The man who had made a huge fortune v' 1 was speaking a few words to a number of . students at a business class. Of course, , "'■ '■ the main theme of His addrew was himself. t " All my success in life, all my treW mendous ; financial. • prestige," - he said •B proudly, "I owe to one thing alonepluck, pluck, pluck!" * v.' l v He made an impressive pause here, but "the effect was ruined by one student, who asked impressively: •; >, ,;:.-" Yes, sir; but how are, we to find the |* right people to pluck!" . |J ; A WELIrXNOWV TOWN. One day a teacher took Franc* as the - ■object of the lesson, and started off with it * ins question: '&,>« ..... ii "Now, 't in this terrible war, who is k principal ally V,:4 ' j ai * France," came in a chorus from the L in eager youngsters. .;> ';";■.;,'.' i pe "Quite right," she beamed: r "And 3 us now can any of yon give me the name of § a town in France?" " ** ' = " Somewhere shouted one small boy, B , promptly. '.•*.. 1 " REINSTATED. . • so > A foreman of the Sturtevant Company pj in Boston had to dismiss an argumentaoi live Irishman. Wishing to save discus--4 sion, he put the discharge in writing. it :i Next day the man was missing, but exvi actly a week later he was again at his r\ lathe. tl " Didn't you get my letter asked the j foreman? angrily. I " Yes, sur, Oi did." ■ 1 "Did you read it?" I " Sure, sur, Oi read it inside and Oi read it outside, and on the inside yez said * , Oi was fired, and on the outside yez said Return to B. F. Sturtevant Company in 1 seven days.'-" LEGAL PLEASANTRIES. The great law case was riearing its termination, and the prosecuting counsel felt t the_ necessity for having a dig at the op- — posing counsel. "The arguments put forward by my friend," he remarked, "in stating his case are, to say the least of it, remark, able. I cannot help-thinking that on en- . tering the court this morning he must have dropped all his common sense on the threshold." ' Opposing counsel jumped up to reply: I-muEt compliment my learned friend on his speech, the exceptional brilliancy of which, coupled with the fact that he • followed me into court this morning, lead me to think that he must have picked up ar a portion of that common sense he accuses th me of dropping on the threshold !" yc PA'S ADVMEI t i, Percy, the pride and joy of the two sy Henpeckes, had written home to say he was about to get married. " Ah," gushed Mrs.', Henpecke, "we cr must write words of joy to our dear son -" * " he Henpecke agreed, of course. So Mrs. Hcnpecko penned the following:— ° "My Dear Son,—Your father and I C ( were overjoyed at youtr letter. A pure ou and noble woman is Itfe's most precious fjc gift to a man, so guard your treasure ,l whose value is above! the fairest dia- in monds." j ._, And underneath the (letter was the following, in a different hand:—"Your mother has gone out fbr a stamp. Keep single, you young fool}" PROVERBS. m The kindly old square was giving a I little treat to the village school children. J| After tea he stepped on to the platform and announced, with a beaming smile: "Now I am going -to perform certain actions, and you must #uess what proverb they represent. The toy or girl who succeeds first will receive a quarter." They did it. Instantly every eye was ._ fixed on him. First of all, the old gentleman lay down "I 001 on the platform. TJjen one man came }„< forward and tried in vain to lift him. jam Two others came to : fe aid, and between them they raised the« squire, who was ~ rather portly. Sj The actions were mieant to represent J the motto, ''Union is< strength." When ' they had finished, the squire stopped forward and asked if arfi' child had solved , the, puzzle. -;\- ) ",> ' ;.' *' \ , ;.:At once grubby Jurtid shot up, and an W pager ;voice squeaked :> ~ '^ '■ '' Jet' sleeping dogs flie.*J ..:• jyg msf : ) ... -~:. I/. •' '', . ? fife igtih* ! : MM&