SHORT WAR STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LIV, Issue 16561, 9 June 1917, Page 3 (Supplement)

SHORT WAR STORIES.

BLIND AND DUMB.

A OAtTABT of a small trading vessel, having some contraband goods on board, wanted to unload them at a small port. "Joe," he said to the Customs man, whom he knew well, " if I was to stick a pound note over each of your eyes, could ye see?" "No," replied the man; " and if I had another over my mouth I couldn't speak either!"

CORRECT. " The bullet," said the sergeant, " after the explosion leaves the breech and travels down the barrel, making its exit at the muzzle. Now," said he, nudging a sleepy-looking recruit in the class, " where does the bullet leave your rifle?"

"In me hands!" replied the sleepy one, stifling a yawn and preparing to dose again in his favourite corner.

A BIT MIXED.

To answer for a comrade who has taken " French leave" at roll-call is an oldestablished custom in the army, but the newly-promoted sergeant determined to put a stop to the practice among his men. He was tricked several times, in spite of his watchfulness. At last he gave the squad a lecture on the subject, but somewhat spoilt the fact by dramatically pointing to the guardroom and concluding-

"Now, mind yer, if I catch any of yer sayin' yer here when yer not here you'll be over there."

A DEAD SHOT.

The valour and candid simplicity of our Indian Babu is proverbial. A story goes of one anent the German East campaign, who [in the words of a contemporary) was aoout the most laconic, competent, deadlyearnest station-master and marksman combined that ever lived. A regiment of men like him would end the war, fox this is

the wire ho sent:—"One hundred Garmans attacking station. Send immediately one rifle and one hundred rounds ammunition."

"A FINER SIGHT."

A gunnery instructor, commonly known as a 6.1. in the Royal Navy, was one day giving instruction in A the use of rifLs to a squad of seamen. After having talked for a -considerable time, and explained the difference between a "Full sight" and a "Fine sight," he wddnily put the question to Snooks, A.B. 'Whit would you call a " Fine sight?"

The A.8., who was probably as much fed up as the G. 1., replied : " A boatload of G.l.'s torpedoed and sunk, 3 ir!"

MISTAKEN IDENTITY.

A young officer, serving with our army in France, on answering his telephone hell one day last week heard a voice say, "— is speaking." " Oh, yes, I know/' he sail, " you are the new bandmaster we hive been expecting." To his astoni-;nm<mt the response was couched in such strong language that it threatened to fuse ttio wire. He had been speaking to the General Commanding the Division, who bore the same name as the expected musician. A LONG WAY OFF. Recently, at a London hospital, the Duke of Connaught, was standing alongside a wounded soldier, when the doctor in attendance upon the sufferer remarked : "The man's heart is affected." "Evidently," said the duke, "the billet haa touched his heart." "Oh. no, sir!" exclaimed the poor fellow, faintly; "the bullet never did that, for all the time the fighting was going on my heart was in my mouth!" ALL-SUFFICIENT REASON. A very pompous army surgeon was sent to a recruiting depot in the Highlands to examine a batch of lads who bad taken the King's shilling. The abrupt, overbearing manner of the doctor so frightened one nervous recruit that he was unable to answer the first question as to bis name and place of birth.

"Why don't you answer?" roared the doctor. " What's your name, I say?" Still the panic-stricken lad could only stare open-mouthed at his questioner, who exclaimed : "Why, I believe the fellow's stone deaf!" And, taking his watch from his pocket, he held it to the left ear of the recruit, saying: Can you hear that ticking?" The youth shook his head. The watch was applied to the other ear with the same effect, and then the doctor opened the vials of his indignation on the head of the would-be soldier. "What do you men by enlisting when you are stone deaf? Why, you can't even I hear the ticking of a watch when it's held within an inch of the drum of your ear!" And then the worm turned. " She's no* gaun," said the recruit, finding his tongue at last. And when the doctor, holding the watch to his own ear, found that it had indeed stopped, his feelings were too powerful to be expressed in words extensive though his vocabulary ordinarily was*