ODDS and ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LIII, Issue 16300, 5 August 1916, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS and ENDS.

'Artist: "How do you like the portrait?" Sitter: " Well, T Won't exactly like the nose." Art lot : "'Neither do \l; but it's yours."

" How did you come out in your damages suit against the railway company?" "Fine! 1 got nearly half enough to pay nay lawyer."

"I've just inherited ten thousand pounds- Would you advise me to invest it. in storks?" "Well, I don't know of any quicker way to get rid of it."

"I've been trying to convince Jones that advertising pay.-, hut he won't listen to me." " You can't blaiue him, poor fellow. That's the way he gut his wife."

She met his proposal with laughter, and almost immediately aughter, ho said : — "All right, Mabel, I'll go to the stabef, and string myself up to a raughter '."

"What became of Jimson after he'd served his time for burglary?" "Oh, he went into the automobile repair business" " That so ? Why, I heard he had reformed."

Tom Junior: "What time is it, pa?" Tom Senior: "Why, you've your new cold wauh. Why can't you tell from that?" Tom Junior: "Oh, but it's five minutes fast-

The Girl: "You say that Miss Padds and Jack Pott are going to be married. Why. I didn't know they knew, each other." The Cynic: "They don't. That's why they are going to be married."

" Papa, bow does Santa Glaus know whether little boys have been good or riot?" "Why. he asks their parents." "Yon woul*t't be mean enough to split on me, would you, papa?"

"I wish to complain," said the* hride, haughtily, "about that flour you sold meIt was tough." "Tough, ma''am 1" asked the grocer. " Yes. tough. I made a pie with it, and my husband could hardly eat it."

" Djd you know that Dobbs suffers from an impediment in his speech?" " Whv. no. Seems to mo lie speaks as well as anyone." "You ought to see him when his wife is around. He can't say a word."

"Look here, waiter. What's the idea' of printing this bill of fare in French ? i I can't understand a, word of it." " Well, ' yon see. boss, if we was to print some of' them things in English nobody would want i to eat 'em" * j

" I've just had a letter from my son to j say he has won a scholarship. ' I can't I tell you how pleased I am." Charlady:; "I can understand your feelings, mum. I I felt just the same when our" pig won a medal at the agricultural show.'"'' !

"I'm afraid that's hardly a proper play for you to see," remarked the heod of the I family after his wife, had announced the ! name of the show she wished to attend, j " Don't you think we'd better go and tnak* sure?" said the wife. "Then, if it should be improper, we can warn our ! friends against seeing it." i THE COMPLETE LIAR. i First Traveller: "So you have returned from Africa, Had any narrow escapes?" Second T. : "Only one—a regular prizewinner, T should think." First T-: "Let me hear it." Second T.: " Well. I was chased bv a big lion, and, having no cartridges left. I threw away my rifle and faced the brute: hut as he sprang at me I caught him bv the lower jaw with one hand and bv the ! nose with the other. And there I 'stood | and held his mouth open until hi- starved . to death- A narrow escape, eh ?" A LACK OF ASPIRATION. Mr. Cyril Maude lias been telling some stories in America. Talking about class distinctions in speech, he said, they are not so notable in the United States as in England. "In England," he said, "the lower classes talk a disgraceful jarl gon. The ii' especially! The lower classes can never master that 'h.' In my youth I once heard a stage manager rehearsing ' Faust.' He had sprung from the people, poor chap, and he conducted ' * the rehearsal like this"Old your 'and on •' your 'ips, 'old up your 'eads. and look I 'aughty. You're not on 'Ampstead 'Eath now—you're in 'Ades. Xow 'asten off I 'urviedly, with a look of 'ate-' ' But. sir,' I said I, 'there are only six of us." * ; SYMPATHY. The man and wife in the motor-car came face to face with the man on a fully laden hay waggon in a narrow laneQuite as a matter of course the husband of the woman made a movement to back out and allow the waggon to pass. But his wife objected. "Let him back out," she said coldly"aWe were here first; he must have seen us coming!" Her husband pointed out that a sharp curve in the road rendered this impos- ■ sible. "I don't care!" reiterated the dame in the car. " I don't intend to move! I'd rather remain, here all day " But—" her husband began feebly. "Gie over, man!" said the carter," and the tones of his voice expressed a wondrous sympathy. "Don't argy any more. I'll back out. I've got one like 'er at home !" FINISHED DIPLOMAT. "I am awfully sorry, papa," said Bobby, "to think how much trouble I give mamma." "She hasn't complained, has she?" " No, she's very patient. But she often sends me to the shops for things, and they are a good way off, and I know she gets cross waiting when she's in a hurry." "Not often, I fancy." "Oh she's nearly always in a hurry. Sne gets everything all ready for the baking, and finds at the last moment she has ncrt any yeast, or something, *nd then she s in an awful flight, and I can't run a very long distance you know, and— t feel awfully sorry for poor mamma." - . 'Humph ' Well, what can we do about "I was thinking papa, that perhaps vou ""gat get me a bicycle." WON BY WIT. In the reign of Francis I. of France quickness of wit was often more promptly awarded than actual merit. The monk, ■Kegmer Mainus did not lack merit, but he owed his first advancement, nevertheless, to a clever retort. Francis, } 10 was verv fond of the game ot tennis, ■was playing a match one day "'to t lamus - The. monk finally ended the aard-fought game With a brilliant stroke. -Ine king was somewhat out of humour °a account of his defeat. «n Remarkable'." he exclaimed, sarrastiA mV To think that such a stroke s tould be made by a mere monk!" But sire." replied the monk, who was as quick with bis wit as he was with his t£3 "vE ' lfc a , * our majesty's own fault abbot" 6 WaS DOt made hy an A week later Mainus received his appointment as Abbot of Bcaulieu. { INDIGESTIBLE. at ",'! fortunate altercation took place di™ '"ell-known restaurant in the city at dinner the other night. P „ .?£ the dinf ' r « asked for Some Tur■rSLl Wltho l lt Greece, and the waitress .maely rephed: "? 7 0u must be German!" n;./- 1 ' 11 , 1 Hungary," replied the diner. :■ ttis friend nudged him. , rpr 011 fc . Russia, or she won't Servia." saybg. Waitrehs then retired, but returned "Bo you intend to Roumania ?" .*Y man replied : xes; I vi ant Samoa." ■ . IpSffl™* 8 then became ann °y e «l, and :~:f»ancy/ the Bel B»™. *"d I'll caU ' '■ f -lSVV^r'- ih96h,n ' "This will cost ?,*« of heT SaS 6 *' 6he Wlth \ -? •?*'■■. if