ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LII, Issue 16026, 18 September 1915, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

||®s|lß -t the world's real literature was ft *JBE bv poor authors in their garrets." Sir "finite 3°* Horner, tor example, wrote m IB BSIp got to to pretty smooth to get +„ the top » v •"•• • . " , Ye % and >ou |g PJcxr ge-t vn tin- top before you "J there-" ft©Can'vc.« wonder that our statesmen mr Onetimes .nK,-,; iris (.ikes . Why, only m "esterday I if h,i!i lhat was 8 0in 'the wrong • dl;,v '- ;01 • • man. " ■ e .'•• • y™ become such ' gn' expert sn> ■ ••••■■" , lady," rebv.Smdia our K:,. ' • 1 used to ; be a traffic cop .n • •" « It4?l\rlss' Vine: " I''' favour women it s proposing-" !>*•' ": k - " Certainlv not. «S'«BTOPOSing • • , '••A When a worn'. i>- «•« a man the I r . should make hi" ' ">'e«»T tare jtisi 1 'i r.-adin » the Conslivfc£oft»i I.".'.ted States." " Well ?" i'And I was ,«t ' :t«e i '<■ "nd out how :f many rights a<f« « • % a!ly has. i " Hobson: "!j' ■: '.V~ v v; r aStCS a "- v ' •' ' fhitis."' * He'*'-"'•• -V' H.-hs o n: "No. fe y in'it's edible, it ••> n'- ■ hash: and if jV~ it isn't,.it w-11 d . to trim a hat. ' Isaac Ne-vron. at school. was a -' S notorious" diirce. .•"• <i "early always found himself at the h :t- «» tlio class. And '-J' that's how }ia d's :i \ erect the theory of |'_ , gravitation. 'y- Scornful v >«e : "It needn't- make you te so grumpy be aiiso \oti swallowed <yi ant. IP'- and spilt-"jam on yot.v trousers and sat on Hr ' a bumblebee. 00-->d heavens, a" picnic's a ff; picnic, yor know.

si'"--", "Mr. Blinks." said she, "do you think |. that anticipation is greater than realisation?" "Wei!." replied Mr. liiinks.." an- • ticipation is broader a: id higher, but realisation is longer and flatter."

§i®lSlhe ignorance of some persons concerning military matters is really astounding. A dear old lady who was asked the other V diy'bv her little boy what sandbags were ! A-: said she thought they were -trousers that j - '"""the soldiers wore in the. Dunes. %&&&; ~ I "-Why. do they call 'em fountain pens?should . say reservoir pen would be the , 'VT,-better name. A reservoir contains .liquids ; '•ii*- a fountain throws 'em around." " "I think fountain pen. is the ' proper, name," !fssaid the party.of the second part. - KNEW HIM. • • "Well, how about that? little bill." -"But I told you to call at four o'clock, oSsand it's only three now.'' Ml "I know it; I wanted to catch . you ■o S iS:™*" 'V ■„ " ' ' . T? k • ' %WM r . AN EYE TO BUSINESS. . £'•;J-IS" •'""ant to see the- government own *«s'"" everything." said the discontented man. '' Maybe it- might be a good idea." reg:|plied Mr. s Dnstin btax. ' 'Mohave a few things I would'jike to sell it.". 1 jp||v v '- AH OLD ONE. • • " "'What do you think? A man brought lack the umbrella jh'ei/ took ; from our hall stand!" •i- ".■■/'■.it - ' % •" . , ; "H'm. It speaks .well for the honesty . of the man. - but'it's - a" terrible • slight to IB® 6 ' umbrella-" V * , • •• • .- - ' . v •

jjaKßSfe. . ?' •' ; PROTEST .ANSWEBED. ' * V„ * - „ . . ' -"Hang it, Jones, I've just been stung -sSfe! [one' °- , TOur confounded bees ! I de-> !M®d reparation '' .* £gWp",Gertain Iy, Bilson. You just- show me which bee A was, and I'll j punish the horSv i'.iiditiaSg i severely!",. - \ s rv". Hi • •■aa&ft'-; - • r «.► Rj- - - -f | ||| KNOW HIM? kX'..'; ."What do you .'think-'of. my graduation i- v. pass?" asked the young njan. ;■ v,' ! " Fine!" replied bis father-. "Only I'm afraid s a lot' of people are going to be fe.'.s; bashful about- offering plain wages to a - man whoee. intellect is so much above the average/-,-v . .

XS- s A LUCKY ESCAPE. ' t. '•■&&&. An engaged young gentleman : got -rather neatly out of ? a "little scrape with his in- £* "tended. She said, she had heard that , .he had fciesecf two ladies at-some party i • at which she was not -present. , ■ He owned ' it,, but- said, laughingly, that, after all, their united "ages made only 21. The simple-minded girl thought of ten and s eleven, and j laughed; off her pout. ?. He did not explain that one was nine- ' teen -and the ' other two years of age. ACQUITTED. ' In a coloured district; a member was on trial, charged with stealing chickens. The •evidence went to, show' that the defendant 1.-4- had ..been found with his foot in a steel 5 | trap at the - door of a henery, while an empty sack lay near by. "The decision of the.judge was to this effect: "De co't ; finds dat de "fendant hadn't no criminal *||| , tent-ions. Dah hain't no law to p'vent a *:- pCTman fruin putti.n' his. foot in a steel' trap ef he want? to do it." WEARY WILLIE'S REPLY, '' | Housekeeper : -'"How's this? You pro;r-, raised to saw some wood if I gave you a lunch." . .. ' I i'. i Traihp: "I recall no such promise, I ', laadam." " •gy" Th°_ idea! 1., told you I'd give you a '.., -luncE if you'd saw some wood, and vou agreed."• '• Pardon, me, madam. Your exact words ' I'll'-give you a'- lunch if you saw ■ «cat.wo°d over there by the gate.' " " That's just what I said." ! 'Well, madam,- I saw that wood over v/jjAWere at the gate' a« I came in." '' -CUT PRICES. -Commend me to the average shopper *'• for-real shrewdness," 'says the'manager of h a well-known establishment. "We received a visit from one the other day that taught Mo something. She was considering the purchase of a'< s<wd of silk at .*• 4d. The woman's pur--chase left a remnant of a yard and a-half. Shich • the sales girl suggested that she : " '"should take. ifewsWhat'll it cost?" asked the shopper. a »' ( / Two shi'liiij:?. " ® . - 4 " 'I'll take it.' \>3«. the prompt response, ;.,atid you may keep the vard vou've torn '-.og.',", . ' I HOT WEATHER HINTS. Don't eat anything. it *'- '"''Ughly. Don t drink ire water. : it. j° ur win.' !•'.•. .• her way. your 1',.;; liiitfer to your enemy. . • esctrji- !. vacations, sagTOae.s|^^J;^Y o 'd sti-_• , •, arid vour wife's relat ' 1 ' '>• '■ 0 f lir « i,:g; Heat re- ] iigSgM, ir.: tariff reduction, 1 fe££y§S lallsrn - m-Mi •„ vuue. _, as hills, frailgraft ' t!.. ' "•>!)!••." new thought, 3 IP® 8 ? PW.'y, i-. and debtors. 1 11P4. f - NEVEX come singly. i i;. • n.::*ter?" ashed a friend i ir-an ■ • '. <■ tired look. ? Matti-i. i ; .e r<-p'y. "Why, I [ Mffif.,! I ''}'" ■ ... . : sleep last night. I ' •' >!• 1 ;or three hours, \ ! .'t •. an-! threw a lump of := at it." . , ;ilS|yDid v.. , i-, l •• who had just come f 11®P&£? , let ihp inL the house." iSJp'®*, 4 > IVHS surely satisfactory?" I ■ a ""ante it was. Then W'ilkins I' SBllllgflted the. coal through our drawingI 'window. But there was worse to a ,f^pae. n Jpt^p^Yeg?" f | wr ' !t into the house and left the | howling."