ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LII, Issue 16020, 11 September 1915, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

1 "■■ » -■* ' ~ «Is Brorisoa a regular • churchgoer?" ."Well, he goes every Sunday when it's raining too hard for golf." ' ,; .' I hear Jinks married money. Lucky dog." "Oh, I don know. Hare you ' teen what he got with it?" Knicker: "How do you suppose men live in a <-bmarme?" Bocker: "Didn't you. ever ha?e a room in a seaside hotel?" • "How is your rich uncle? I hear he's J y~l been very ill." "I'm afraid he's going to get well. The old crank refuses to see a I doctor." S :.. "What kind of a fellow is Jiggs?" <?;'. "Oh, he's the type that says, 'Lend me I;"">' & couple of dollars for a couple of hours,' i' »nd then he loses his watch." s'.' . Passenger (to chauffeur): "Hey! You've run over a man. Aren't you I ..'• going to stop?" Chauffeur : "No! I can read all about it in the papers." i%: Professor (ro student): What are you laughing at? Not at me?" Stud \i ■ "Oh, no, sir." Professor: "Then what "»r v else is there in the room to laugh at?" f\, " Tramp (entering taxidermist's): "Do you stuff all kin Is of things here?" Taxi- ! dermist: "Yes. sir." Tramp: "Well, I .wish you'd stuff me with a good dinner." ' i Lady : " How much are these chickens?" J Market Man : " Four shillings each." '•'„ "Did you raise them yourself?" "Oh, yes. They were three shillings and six|3 pence yesterday." ?:,' "My doctor is a great believer in iA. apples. He's for ever advising people to K «at them." " Nothing original about that. U( The serpent in Eden did the same thing :\ centuries ago.'' I".;■ "Nobody appreciates me," said the unI ■'..-'. popular man. "It will be different when ■:■;■■■ I'm dead and gone." "Yes," replied his f. - neighbour. " I've no doubt you'll get a ; .. warm reception then." _-•," Fortune-teller: "I see by your hand you'll die when you're 27"" Willie : ?> "But, my iear woman, I'm 29 now." V Fortune-teller : " Why, my good man, you ; ~ should have been dead two years. You're living under false pretences." V Teacher: "Johnny Jinks, as a punish- i ment for missing your lessons to-day yoh may stay after school and write the word "fad' one thousand times." Johnny: 'It can't be done, teacher. You told us ■;; yesterday there wasn't no such word." "I shoald like," said a book canvasser to ft merchant, whose sanctum, he had in- . vaded, "to call your attention to a little- " work which I have here." "And I will call your attention to a mighty mass of work which I have here!" replied the ;"5< man at t!.e desk* An trnpraiiared man went to address a' Sunday-school. Thinking to" be funny, he asked this, question : " What would you do before to many bright boys and girls, •who expected a speech from you, if yon >. had nothing to say?" 'Td keep quiet," , replied a small boy. J . ".Do , yon ; think it pays to keep chickens?" "Yes," replied Farjmer Corn- I tossel; "a,few chickens are a good advertisement. They keep the summer ; boarders cheered up, thinkin', mebbe, the first thiag they know they'll see a couple of 'em on the dinner table." '" -——- ■ "The 'and," shouted the orator, "the land from which is produced the food of the people, should belong to the people. There is no food used by the people that j does not depend upon the land, and, ~: ; therefore—" " Fish," called out a voice. And;thtre was silence for a space.

- i The following interesting notice apv f; pei^Jjniithe, columns of an enterprising ;■,' Mmneabta: newspaper:—" I have been in.f : ,"-; «trircted|bytho Village Council to enforce lie Ordinance against^the 1 chickens runmag at' large »and riding bicycles on ' the ~-," «*ewalfe--Earry Shells, Village ? Mar- ■ fUfi the wife. " I have baked yon * biscuit From v the oven I'll whiscuit." ■ Bat the poor wifie cried. , When ,her »hubby i replied. V . ''My dear girl, I don't think I could ■ - iiscurfc. *

THE WINNER. An Englishman, Irishman, and Scotch- ; man made an agreement among themselves that, whoever died first should have five • ' pounds placed on his coffin by each of the ; ;a' others. The Irishman was the first to die. , Shortly afterward the : Scotchman met the - t Englishman and asked him if he had fulfilled_the agreement. ~ _ "Yes," said the Englishman, "I put on ■ sovereigns. What did you put on?" Oh,-1- jist. wrote my check fer ten poonds, said the Scotchman, " an' took • your five sovereigns' as change." , ——— • i. ■ . -SHEW HIS MAN. Monsieur -wanted the picture hung to the right madame -wanted it on the left. -But monsieur insisted that the servant should hang the picture according to his orders.' Consequently Joseph stuck a nail in the wall.on the right, but this done, he also .went and stuck* another in on the , left. ' .' • ; "What is that second nail for?" his * master inquired in astonishment. al[*? lj to save -' the trouble of fetching the ladder -.to-morrow when monsieur will ■nave come round to the views of madame." ON ERIENDLY TEEMS. The story is told of a dowager whose wealth and education were of exceedingly recent acquisition. According to her ac- ■' counts, the trip round the world that she completed had been socially most successful. Some of her friends were ques- • taming,her about the places of interest . that she had visited. - "Did you see the Dardanelles?" asked liplptmef ''.-■-- . , >\ And the Himalayas?" inquired an- < other. : , , ''Why, certainly," replied the dowager. '" 1 dined with them both in ; Paris." THE DUNCE'S RETORT. It was never a happy day for Sammy's painstaking father when his young hopeifnT school's report arrived at his home. As for Sammy himself— he was a - philosopher. I The awful day had come once more, and father was in the lowest depths of misery. . Sammy Sammy," lie groaned, " why "is .it that you are at the bottom of your class again?" ■ )' 'What does it matter, father, whether Jam at top or the bottom?" queried that ■*« youth. " They teach the same at .both, ends, you know." A SURPRISE FOR THE TEACHER. - Miss Smith, the teacher, was hearing the history class. The pupils seemed unusually dull. '.'New," she said. " Marv followed Ed- • «d VL, didn't she?" • ma'am," replied a little girt". '.And now, who followed Mary?" asked the teacher, hopefully. And was silent for i * moment, then Elsie raised her hand. ', ( -"Yes, Elsie?" queried the teacher. 'Who's followed Mary?" "Her little lamb, teacher," said Elsie, fiffi:; triumphantly. ——— I V"- A SMART ANSWER. Larry O'Shiel, in many respects a good soldier, had a very limited idea of the virtue of tidiness. ' '-" Appearing one morning on parade with his boots in a fearful state, the sergeant's , - eagle eye soon spotted him. M £ Private O'Sheil, fall out he roared. j Ehwat d'ye mane by comin' here wid j -■ t Tur boots in a mess loike thot?" . "Arrah, now, sargint, be aisy!" retorted the imperturbable Larry. " Share, -V ' N ? Oliver saw a apod soldier showiu' a lip 3 ? 0 pair- o' heels]"