ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LII, Issue 15948, 19 June 1915, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Italy of! the fence means Italy on the ctfeieive. ' i I Cook: "The cheese has run out, muni." I Mistress. " Why didn't you chase it? " j I When we want to play tennis, it rains : when we buy a new raincoat, it doesn't. Why is it? , • I Wi?e Uuy: "Ever sec a close race V Utter Nut: "Sure! I spent three months in So.'ilanJ." |

" How tin you know that Chaucer die : tfited to .1 stenographer?" "Just look It the spoiling." I

" Jones te'.ls me he has just started a bank-account, fur his new baby." "I sec: i l!,-.-li-heir fund."

Some men would starve to death if their wives did not. understand how to work a tin opener.

' How do you sell your music?" "Wise. piano music by the pound and organ ruuciC bv the choir.'

''Dad. what's "out of sight, out of i mind." me.in?" "That those v. ho will no'. I Bee a? we do are crazy."

"Mother, am 1 really the imago of you, | or was thai lady that called on you just 1 tryin' to hurt my feelings!" |

Safety: "So Jack is engaged, is he?! Ami 16 Fanny the bride-to-be?" First: , '".No, she is the tried-to-be." ;

TV tierman National Bank is unable to pay a dividend. Possibly because the people will not. credit any checks.

Hon moon 1 1"as originally a beverag. 1 drunk tor thirty days after the wedding. Presumably theu took it with a spoon. |

Philadelphia is to teach geography by moving pictures. That is about the'only way to keep up with European geograhnv.

Bill: "I read sis 'ow that 'ere 'Inden-1 hurt: as got an English wife." A If: "Ah, . that accounts for 'is fight-in' like 'e does." I I Voice: "Is this the weather bureau? | How about a shower to-night?" Prophet: " Don't ask me. ■ If you need one, take it,"

Merchant (to applica at for job): " Sorrv, but I only employ married men." Applicant : " Do you have tio have a daughter, sir'"

The Visitor: "How <iid Bobby like the warm underclothing I sent him?" The Returned Hero : Oh! he was tickled to death.'

" I must admire England's collosal skill in t tie invention of lies," says Admiral von 'lirpitz. This is, anyhow, praise from an expert.

" Our German Fleet dcrth daily scour the sea." Thus boast the chiefs of Germany's marine. But long and long the 3<sars will have to be Before they scour their reputation clean.

A man who was insured for £100,000 has just coughed himself to death. The insurance company will now do the couching: chiefly up.

" Oh, say, who was here to see you last night?" "Only Myrtle, father." " Well, tell Myrtle that she left her pipe on the piano."

Owens: "My landlord has ordered me out because I can't pay lav rent." Bowens: " Glad I met yon. So has mine. Let's change quarters."

" That sermon you preached the other Sunday on thrift- had a great effect oil me," said Griggs to his minister. "I went out before the collection."

"The Host: "I thought of sending some of these cigars out to the front." The Victim: "Good idea! But how can vou make certain that the Germans will get them?"

How mad the Germans are with our great ally is shown in an extract from a Hun's diary, which says: "All the winter we have been engaged in marking •time."

Knicker: "Jones has beaten his TtcorJ *s a champion 'fish' story teller." Bocker: " What's his latest?" Knicker: He claims he caught a submarine, but it got away from him." 1

Old Lady (to nephew on leave from the front): "Good-bye, my dear boy, and try and find some time to send a post' card to let mc know you are safely back in the trenches!" , . , .

Owens: "My tailor will be here in half an hour." Elevator Boy: "Yes, sir; shall, I ask him to wait?" Owens: "Certainly not, you idiot! What do you suppose I'm going out for?"

German General: ' " Shell that cathe'dral!'' Aide: "That is not a cathedral, general. That is a brewery." German General: "Ach, himmel! What an awful mistake I almost made!"

** Professors we From over the sea. From the land where Professors in plenty be; And there we flourish, as well as may. In the land tha, produced one Kant with a K And many Cants with a C.' 1

Actual extract from a sailor's letter to his wife: " Dear Jane, am sending you a postal order lor 10s, which I hope you may get—but you may not— this letter km: to puss the censor."

"That man who was waiting for opportunity to knock said that all he got was a mighty punk opportunity." "He was not v aiting for opportunity to knock; lie was waiting to knock opportunity."

Sergeant: " 'Ev, there ! Where are you going?" The Absent-minded Begpir (who climbed out of the trench): "'Olv Jiminv! When that bloomin' shell whistled over"ead Hi thought it was twelve o'clock!"

" What's the man who just kicked the chair over and threw a pack of card,, into the fireplace'''' inquired one waiter. ''Oh.'' replied the other, "he's the gentlenun who tried to rest his nerves by playin i; soltairc-."

Mietress: "If that nail in your boot gives you such pain, Louisa, why don t you tike a hammer and knock it down?" Louisa: "No, thank you, "um . When [ think what the soldiers are sitfTeiin' in the trendies. I don't see why I shouldn't do mv hit."

A voting bridegroom, horrified to see his bride lay on rouge ami powder, groaned and said:- "Darling, you'd he an angel if voi didn't paint." She answered :• - "Now, dearest, you know verv well that you lever saw an angel that wasn't painted !"

liarrie had his eye on a title, they say, front the verv start. When li" entered the village school of Kirriemuir at the age of four, the dominie aski d him : - "What's you, name?" " .lames Barrie. " l'ut a sir to that, please. said the dominie sternly. " Sir James Barrie," said the Uri hin.

"Mv husband, 1 remarked a Philadelphia matron lo a group of friends, "was ,i continned smoker with a tobacco heart when 1 inihiod him a year ae«, hut to-day In rever touches the weed." "(Jood." t-aid one of the grou]>. "'ln break off a lifetime h chit requires a strong will." " Well, that's what I've got," said the wife.

A certain little girl was discovered iiy her in'ln engaged in a spirited encounter wih ,i small friend who had got conPideral.lv v orated in the engagement. " Don't von know, dear," said the mother, "that is very wicked to behave so? It was Satan that put it into your head to pull Elsie's hair." "Well,' perhaps it was," the child admitted, "but kicking her saint, was entirely ray own idea.'

oators, Spedding, Auckland.