ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LII, Issue 15930, 29 May 1915, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

—■ » ■ "Weil, Jaokson, v?aaf,'s on foot to-day? Church!" "No. Slippers."Why would a woman lose her religion if she changed her sex! Because she would be a he-then (heathen). "Is that new sentry vigilant!"' "I should say so. Why, someone told him the gas was escaping, and he grabbed his rifle.' Critic: "Where did you gel the idea for l ie picture?" Painter: "Out of my head.'' Critic: "You must be glad .'at it, is out." Old Gent, (kindly): " You'll bo late for tea, sonny." Boy: "No, I won't. I've got the muffins wiv me now."

That lawyer of mine has a nerve." "Why so':' "[/•it-en *« 'b:.s item in his bill : ' For waking up ».. the night and thinking over your "lse, £s.'''

Draper's Assistant: " Would you like to look through some of our blankets, madam " Customer: " No; I want some that you can't look through."

Officer (to scared soldier) : " What do you mean by running away! Didn't you "hear tho general's order to 'do or die! ,r> Scared Si'dier : "' Do or die " 1 thought ho said, ' Do a guy !' "

"What is tho greatest difficulty you) encounter in a journ;y to the Arctic regions!" asked the inquisitive man. " Hitting hack home," was the reply of V . professional explorer.

Husband : " Ycu charge me with reckless extravagance. When did I ever make a useless purchase !" Wife : " Why, there's that fire-extinguisher you bought a year ago; we've never used it once,"

"Will, Mrs. J —, )' ' you heard fjom your husband «• "No, mum; and . don't know '„i certain where he is just now. • But I believe ho is either in tho Jargonelles or t\»s Sewage Canal."

"Tommy," said the Sunday-school tef 'her, '* who had been giving a lesson c■: the baptismal covenant, "can you '.ell i&e the two things necessary to baptism?" "Yes,"- said 'i'ommy, "water and a baby."

" Now tell us," sternly demanded the * vtjg legs.l luminary, whose brow overhung U-9 the a&ck of a snapping turtle, addressing the cowering witness, " what was the weather, if any, upon the afternoon in question!"

Making the geography lesson as interesting as possible, the teacher asked the nanso oi one oi our allies. " France," cried one- l little boy,. "Now name a town iaj l * ranee," " Somewhere,' 1 promptly re- 1 turned the youngster. • I

Master of the House (to complaining servant) "Dtiar, dear, Jamrfl, I'm tired oi these continual kitchen squabbles." 1 Servant: " Well, sir, 'ow would you like to be calld an addle-headed old idiot, sup.' posin 5 you wasn't one, sir?"

Mistress (indignantly): ''Jane, whateevr did you mean by wearir my low-necked evening dress at the 'bus-drivers' ball last night? Keally, you ough. to have been ashamed of yourself!" Jane (meekly): " I ■was, mum. You never 'card ~cch remarks as they made."

"GuVnor in?!' said the caller. "Yes; please come in," said the servant, " Thank goodness,": said the caller, fervently. "1 shall < see some of my money at last.'* "* Don't you make that mistake," said the servant. "If he had any money he wouldn't be at home."

Muriel bounded Into the full car, a pair fef roller skates over her shoulders. A polite.man rose, aad, bowing, offered her Sis seat. "Pleas© don't move!" 'she exclaimed, with the sweete3i of smiles. " I'.ve been -trying to skate all the afternoon, and I'm absolutely tired of sitting down."

"Oh, doctor, I have sent for you, certainly; still, I must confers that I have not the'slightest faith ia modern medical science." "Well," .aid the doctor, " that doesn't matter in the least. You see, a mule has no faith in the veterinary surgeon, and yet he cures him all the same."

Wee McGregor was wise. So when he ■went to Mrs. Macpherson'a house he curefully dusttid the chair i ore sitting on' it. "Ye-have verry I.- manners, wee boy/' said Mrs. Macphersoc to him. "Matte, I'm wee sma',' said McGregor,' "but Tm too old a fish to be caught with' a Ijent pin."-

J Two loiuts just finished their meal in a cafe, and Bertie handed Algy a cigar. Algy lit his cigar, but after the first few puffs he commenced to make wry faces, and presently asked Bertie: "What brand is this smoke, old boy?" Bertie: "Oh, it's a Colonel." Algy: "1 thought it was." "Why?" "It's rank," came Algy'fi reply.

"So your husband's hair all came out after his illness," sympathetically remarked Mrs. Grubb. " Now I suppose the flies and the cold weather will keep him bothered between them." "No, it ain't so much . them _ thing*;," replied Mrs. Scrubb. "It's having to keep his hat onj when he washes his face else he couldn't tell where to stop."

Little Lilian's father, by any stretch of imagination, could not be called goodlooking, and one day, after gazing intently at him, she turned to her mother and propounded the query : " Mamma, why did you marry papa?" "Because I loved him, dear," was the reply. Lilian looked surprised. "Love will make us women do anything, woc.'t it, mamma?" she said.

"Are you a native of this place?" asked a traveller in Alabama of a coloured resident. "Am I what?" was the puzzled reply. "I say, are you a native here?" While the man was still herniating over his answer his wife came to the door. " Ain't you got no sense, George':" she exclaimed. "The genl'man means was yo' livin' heah when yo' was born, or was yo' born before yo' began livin' heaii? Now answer the genl'man."

When 3lr. Johnson returned home from the office the other evening he found his young wife in tears. " Why, Grace!'' he cried in surprise, "what is the trouble, darling?" Oh, Ernest," she Bobbed, "I baked a cake this morning and set it on i the window-sill and a tramp came along and stole it." "Well, don't cry, dearest, ' said the husband, consolingly. " One tramp less in the world doesn't matter."

A certain little girl -was discovered by her mother engaged in a spirited encounter with a small friend, who had got considerably worsted in the engagement. "Don't you know, dear," said the mother, " that it is very wicked to behave so? It was fcjatan that put it into your head to pull Elsie's hair." "Well, perhaps it was," the child admitted, " but kicking her shins was entirely my own idea."

Pat, who had joined the army, was given his uniform by the quartermaster. Everything fitted all right till he came tc Imt on the trousers, which he said wero ar too tight. " No, no," said the quarter master, "they're fine." "I tell you they are too tight," said Pat; "they aro t'ghtcr than me skin." " Nonsense, Pat;' how can they be tighter than your skin?" " Bcgorra," exclaimed Pat, " I can ait down in me skin, but I can't sit down iii the trousers."

An Irish author, remarkable for the flatness of his nose, showed such civility to an American lady that she expressed effusive gratitude to him and effusive admiration of everything European, as she called it. "However," she added, "being a free-spoken American woman, I always say tliat which is uppermost, and therefore I must frankly tell you that I can't get over your nose." "Bedad, ma'em," replied the author, "that's not to be wondered at, for the bridge is broken."-