SHORT WAR STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LII, Issue 15884, 3 April 1915, Page 5 (Supplement)

SHORT WAR STORIES.

WHO WAS SUE? The knutty lieutenant, on being handed one uf the mulllere so thoughtfully sent out by "Mary Jt ~" representing the ladies of the Empire, inuunnred, " 1 thought 1 knew every single one of the Empire ladies, by sight at any rale, but dashed it I can remember "Mary K." OFFICERS ONLY. Corporal (tu soldier reporting 6ick) : "What's the matter with yoiC" Tommy : "Pain in my abdomen." Corporal: "Abdomen! Abdomen, indeed! You don't 'are no abdomen; you 'ave a stomick. It's only orlicers what 'as abdomens." • ONLY NATURAL. It «aa several days after arriving home from the front that the soldier with the two broken ribs was sitting up and smoking a cigar when the doctor came in. "Well, how are you feeling now?" asked the latter. "I've bad a stitch in my sido all day," replied the wounded soldier. "That's all right," said the doctor. "If shows that the bones arc knitting." HIS SHAKE. A sergeant in charge of a squad of recruits was waiting in front of the Dog and Gun public-house, expecting the arrival of his commanding officer. (letting rather impatient, the worthy "non-com. ' resolved to make himself more comfortable. Calling bis men together, he told them that he intended to occupy Hie time in teaching them "outpost duty.' "You three men,'' he said, pointing to a sturdy trio, " will go to one end of the 6treel. Three mote of you will inarch to the other. The remaining force wilt guard the side streets and turnings. The captain is supposed to. be the enemy. The Dog and Gnu will represent the (amp or fort. When you sight the enemy raise an alarm ; fall back towards the main body—that's myself—and, whatever you do, guard against a possible surprise." "Where be ye a-going, then, sergeant?" one of the men ventured to ask. " Inside the fort, you blockhead, to look* after the ammunition, of course," bellowed the worthy instructor.

"TAKE CAR 42." A German officer, addressing a Brussels tramcar conductor in German, demanded to know if the car were going to the Ooinmandatur, says the Times. The conductor did not understand, and the olliccr shook him and ordered linn to answer. Incensed at the way the officer was believing, .Mrs. — told him it would he necessary to change and take car No. 42. Car No. 42, after a round-about journey, would bring him to the abattoir, "which," says All's. —. "1 thought would be a most suitable place for him." HAD LOOKOUT FOR THE GERMANS. While travelling in a tiain towards Brighton the other day the general conversation was. of course, the war. A woman, carrying a heavy market basket, got in, and when she. bad got her breath asked, with great consternation, if the "Jarmins had got to Xewcassel j''t." "Oh, yes!" was the reply. "They've blown down the cliffs of Tyneniouth, .smashed the wooden dolly at North Shields, pulled down Grey's monument, and are making their way to Br.rras Bridge." " Wey! then, Aa'm off,' she cried. "An cum frae lianas Bridge, but Aa'am doon heor wi' ma man, who's building huts for the sowljers., hut Aa'm off te Canny Nfeweafisel te gie the Jarmins a bit ov Barras Bridge on me aan." And she got out at the next station. WHEN EXPERTS DIFFER. Several dealers in the market paused from their bargaining to admire a company of soldiers passing through on a route march. "Ui sey, Jasper. I.uk at thou sbmall strip iv a bhoy wid tlnee stripes on bis arm : an' there's a foine big wan liesoide him wid surra mark on his 6leeve at all." Jasper: "Well, Charlie, what ov thct now''" Charlie: " Iledad ! If Oi'd the doin' ov id, faith Oi'd jist make id the tother way about.'' Jasper: " Yer furgittin', man, thet foightin' needs brains an' soience furst an' foremost." Charlie: " Acb! Brain an' yer soience he hanged ' Giv' me bhoy thet jez hev till'lnk up till, an'' kin clinch an argumint wid a fist loike a pavin'-stone."- '