ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LI, Issue 15748, 24 October 1914, Page 5 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

TltE New Mnirl: "In my last placp I J Ta vs took things fairly easy." Cook : "Well. " .-• .lifTr/ent here. They keep everything l"iki«l up." The I ; l ,}1 : " °'"- <Wr. what a lot of ppople will lp ii:ili.iptiy when 1 Ret marwl " 1!;| ' '"''"' • "\\ >'. how many gro you n..ii '}"■-• Bess : " H«>w in the worid did you discover her ane " Tt-ss : " I asked her at what ace >■'■'■ '■''■ '"■- llt ;l lrl should marry, and ah" V" "•!'"> "'" , l twenty seven." •'How "'. 5 *' :n x:l ''" flashed, Mary?" -uid the n •-:•' "It you pl,-.,se, sir." * a M.im is I ....I led down in.,] firoko itself. ' ''' ' -i-"..!!,. brake again'." Mis-" I :, r- !' . " ' 'h, well, there's one thing I' l !: ' ,w ' •' '•'• k, " ,w - ' remained fc[|....i ■.■■■■" M-; lainter: ' : 10 ( } v ■'""" •' ,u have been unanimous, 'i:' l ' ■ •' . Exam- •• -.'. i'-i _■'".'.toman (to lady in » ... i , ' I' -■ iif-i' me, madam, but '..,,,,■ ■'■ .... fit chilli...!!, ami I w : in( ,„ ~ I 111 : Ml has w - n( , , . 11,.- 1.,..!> : My hat has f1 ,,( m , '■■' - i.'-is. :.:. and 1 want, it to bo Sl'" " •[■),,, Or ,- ', '• ' Wi-ii. Bill, yo.i won't see i] K< ...... - '. ,-.■ ,iu\ inure ; they've ~,1,,.,'i ; . : • ■ : ■■ a.no " The (lardeiier : .:,)!,'• 1 .•; | ■••!'« he's roil:,- to be whß , .';., 1 :<:.■. ..o i ill .1 'horse do combat.'" jlaiid. : ' T " Mr-- I'ra'e.B fainted on a tranu--.iv" l'i '.' . " I t-wd.sl ear. 1 sup- _,,(, ,u' ; : , . ••' ihnm had to stand up • J,,;., ,;... ...;.,;., .I." Maade: "No: on tn... ( ,mi!i.... •*••<>■ man m "I"" ear arose I am l ~f;( i d - .- it when she entered, and \ she sii = .-I " J- •• ]l .. •> v | ..i, f.sini: make you ner- i v„ us : ' .i»'k. l tin- loan who is learning to I pi,, v i!;.- ; ;....• f,. t . lie rritoi ials. "It j did'when 1 in-! in 'id the neighbours .lis j ~',,„;.. ■-. i. •,'.;..! the sympathetic |«-r- l 5 ,„ . "lint ! .« 1 1.1 telling SO 1 dim ; care what I ..pp.-n* to you " ] 7),, < ln div * hool teacher was making i a ,-,»,r* of the lessons. " Who was the I w j w „l man. James ■•Solomon. | wisest mail, .'.' ' ••That's 'm'ht. Now. rank, who was, the ,Vi, -i '"t man':" ".lonaJi." " Wrong. | Hut what leasou have you for believin- I Jonah was the strongest man': "Cause the 'v. Ha,-- (UiiUn'i hold him after it got hiu. down." " Mv dear. I wna one of the very first to leave.'' said the man who was return I ing from an evening party and was | greeted leproa.-hfully by his wife. "Oh, | vnu always say that '" she retorted, j "Well, I ".an prove it this time, anyhow,'' insisted the husband. " Look in i the hall and see the fleu'njit gold mounted j umbrella I've brought home!" • He was the new pupil-teacher, and he | wished to begin Ills lesson in an interest- i ing was. Ho therefore plated on the table ( a nail of water, and into this he plunged his right hand." When he had withdrawn | it, he asked. "Now. hoys! What's the nutter with my hand!" "It's wet, sir'" was thundered" back. " Very good," ho continued. " Uur lesson this morning is oa ' Perspiration.' " The new attendant Mood sentry-go at the door of the local picture gallery. Presently a visitor strolled up aud was about to enter when the attendant seized him by the arm and asked him for his walkingstick. "My walking stick?" exclaimed the gentleman, astonished. " I have not got one " " Then you must go aDd get one." replied the attendant. "My orders are not to allow anyone to enter without leaving his walking-stick with me." The ready applicants for a "job" had unexpectedly obtained what he asked, and. . ■was get to wheel top dressing for gardening operations. Mali-way through the morning his temporary employer had occasion to criticise his method of going to work. "Why don't you push the wheelbarrow instead of dragging it after you?" be was asked. "It would save you trouble." " Not me." growled WearyWillie disgustedly, " I'm sick of the sight j of the thing.'' I At a seaside resort a lady bather got out of her depth, and her screams soon brought to the rescue one of the boatmen | whose business it was to succour anyone in difficulties! A few strokes carried him to . the spot, and he reached out a muscular j arm to grip the poor lady, who was just i about to sink. Hut her frantic struggles | just at this moment dislodged her bathing cap, which soon floated away, carrying •with it, which was mure precious, her wic. "Oil. save my hair!' she Cried. " Save my hair !" " Madam." replied the gallant rescuer, hauling her in, "I am only a life-saver, not a- hair-restorer." The many blunders in statuary inscriptions recall a story of one which a worthy citizen of Glasgow was ready to perpetuate upon the city's statue to Nelson. Nothing florid was wanting, but something the merit of which should consist in its brevity | and sincerity. "Glasgow to Nelson!" was the advice given by a distinguished visitor when appealed to by the local fathers. " Ay, a very guid suggestion," said one of the councillors. "And. as the toon o' Nelson's close at hand, inn lit we no' juist, say 'Glasgow to Nelson, sax miles.' that so it mii.ht serve for a monument and milestone too '" Rome year-- ago a well known politician wrote to an aitive political worker in a distant nut of the .ountry, to give li'iu timely directions concerning the campaign •hen in progre-s. A week later his correspondent visited the constituency, and i came to see the politician. "Did you yet j my letter!' Could you read it?' asked the politician. " 1 didn't have any trouble, with it. except the postscript." said the other man. "That struck me, 1 showed it to everybody in town. They could all real the letter, but no one could make, out the postscript." "Heavens'." the politician exclaimed. "The postscript says, ' Don't let anyone see this letter.'" Some sears a colonel commanding some marines «,is nio<h exercised in bis mind as to how to ileal with two of his men | who wiie riiiilr.ii-illv fil'l tint eat ll other. At last :.- hi:, on a happy expedient. The next time the men were bronchi before , him. he sit in. in to dean all the windows i in the Larra. 1 -. one inside and tie- other outside, .--> d ~,.;;h, r to go to the next window t;il ih" other had finished. 'I ho ; next men in- they started, and after glar- | ing at < tie anol'ie'r foi three or four windows tin- lion In-tame too ludicrous. They both bars' , ,l laughing, bocaim; great [,-;, ;,,,.. and both got on well to geth. r. The -~,',-....,,, ... of dancer which characterises if-;:.i, ii hi-idiers does riot always extend to It..■ | i 1.-Mis about them. Til-.! Field Mai'hal Biu'f-a id was once dic-tat-ine, very i,.-,,r a battlefield, a letter to his ;-,•„, i Ar the general spoke the words i,! I.is l.t-.r. a bomb from the enemy's ■•■ |, •■ just in front of the door "f the ;. ■( |jo -eiieral went on talking. but >' . . i.tai -.i/.ed his paper and half rose ■~,,. !• • seat. " Whv are vou stop r ,ir. L . .--!..1 the marshal. "'I he bomb''- ..... .1 ii. ~ ,-pU.rv. " Now what, ' ~, | il ~ mi-i'slial. impatiently, "has the ; M ..i, :.. ,jo w it'll the letter 1 am di. tatiia- :. ■-i 1,., ..ii « ith your wilting 11. j. .....,| lis dictation. •I:i'l.-e '..>.,. .„, „ , , Texas, was "... c presidio, -i m \ i.-iistino ' ouniy. when a :-,,..- ~„., i '1 li.iir.nsnn, at torn, t- I ■ ■ : a- I.mi. Thumps...,. h-ivh,,. - , ! d in ' ~,, king a jurv" to cut I,:, i ,-•■ ~-. i-.med his attention to the ..,..,.. ; , .1 ,-.,„:•, " If Your Honor pl-..se. I •- •'. law which governs this c <""' a' '-,- -..ii.. t::ne drawing a bowie knife of i ~.,.., l . ■/,.. and laving it across an ope,, I, ;, 1,, •'. ~, ),,,,, Forewarned-• fore;, i,.r i .-,.- ,|„d».- Williamson—and d.:r. ::. - - I, „• , ,||, bis bunting shut. not , i 'i :, ,; .. |~„M , i.]-.<•]. sai.l : "Tins ...... - ..tiletion and is par.. mount I': f: - ,1« " Mi. '1 liompsoi. arquies-rd in th,, judciliMit of tin curt, and the cape mo. ceded without any further interruption.