ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LI, Issue 15521, 31 January 1914, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

ite^«» engaßcd *° Tom r "Yen" Lr 1 congratulate you. Tom is tho t%l, "* wo"' 101 " if I shall ever •»h Biw«n flirting?" Mabel: "I al--1:1 though that was how .you did catch W»J* T f, Wmcryou grumbling about your food! l ; iStV said that your housekeeper IKieil!" "Vt«. but I married &r, ... we keen ,i m.*!" $i now we keep a Garments of (i^r kin aro thc latMt "It of fashion in Paris. As a matter of fSJtbwe is nolhinp new in the idea. Tig- & worn them for yea is. In ices' "You nlll " t have ft lot of trouble ' ;,,»'yoor wife rireswl up in the height i I'"' Grigß*' "Yes, but its nothing to {, trouble I<l have if I didn't/'

.- '•What's the matter, little boy!" «ifm»'»cono an' drowned all the kittens." K , (fear I that's too bad." "Yes. '" a"!she p-promi.-ed—bi'<> h<io—that 1 end do it!"

An indignant letter dictated by a.clever M cciltleman. ran ihua : —"Sir. my typist, kin? * l an>v ' cannot ' ;o down what 1 think of you. I. being a gentleman cannot c ypKf* it: but you, being neither, can rt adilv define it.''

William (who has been persuaded ,0 contribute to our annual concert) :"(.'an 'eo tinklfl 'Varmors liny,' miss.'" Squire's Daa"hter: 'Have you brought your moJct" William: 'Music' I don't sing by music, I 5, "8- v hcresay."

The S BB company's lecturer was making a popular address. "Think of the good the mi company has done!" he cried. "If I v t-fi permitted a pun. 1 would say. in the words of the immortal poet. 'Honour the Lijznt Brigade.' Voice of consumer from the audience : "Oh, what a charge they made."

"Where are >'"" point;! "To "Hip Department of Agriculture,'" replied the. city 'nan who had bought :i farm. "I want to settle- » dispute between my wife and me about-the best way *° nll, * cow. I think it would 1)0 stiftii ient to tic pillows round the cow's feet, but my wife insists that the only practical way is ;o give tho cow chloroform."

The head of a large business house has i, bought a number of those "Do it : v" signs and hltng tliem up around his ottu-es. Twv were effective beyond expectation, ami" yet it cm hardly be said that they worked 'well When, after tho first few d»). - , the business man counted up tho results, ho fimd that the cashier had flipped off with £5000. the head bookkeener had eloped with the typist, three elfru had asked for a rise in salary, and the otfico boy had set out to become a highwayman. ,

"Indeed," the lecturer went on in aquizzical way. "I believe I am justified l in av wrtinfr that nine women out of ten practically propose to the men they become enraged to. As a teat, I would ask all married men in the. audience whose wives virtually popped the question to them to rise. There was a subdued rustle in the auditorium, and in tbo dense silence that ensued could be heard sibilant feminine whicpers in concert, "Just you dare stand np!"

Si Two Englishmen and a Scotsman, touring from the North of Ireland en route to Cork; tbo train was very late, as often ,is the case with Irish trains, arid, to make matters worse, was held tip frequently be;tween tho stations. During one of these (stops an official of the company proceeded to ejraiino the tickets. "Where for, ■ please?" be demanded as he climbed into *:ib» compartment occupied bv the tourists. , "Cork," exclaimed the tourists in unison. "Then you're all Cork." replied thei inspector. "Yes," replied the wag of " the .j,party; "and if you're, train was the same, maybe it woold be easier to draw. I never law such a stopper in all my life.'* j-.{ " I wanter 'ave a teeth drawn" said the ■'? youngster with the fighting face, "and I irant gas." "Tut! tut!" murmured the dentist. "You're not old. enough for gas. And I Me you're not afraid of a little pain.*, Be a man!" "Tisn't that," said the, youngster, "but I expect just at the end I will go acd give a little bit of a squeal." "Ob, tla*- won't matter!" tie tooth-tuggcr replied; "I shan't mind." "No, retorted; the boy, "but I shall. Just you look out of the window." The dentist gazed through *lfi9 glass, and saw a group of grinning lads standing just by his window. -"Well'" he a sled his youthful patient. "Them's all ".the kids I have fought and licked," cxrlauied the youthful one, "and they've all followed me' here just to Lear me holler. : Gimme g:asl"