ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LI, Issue 15504, 10 January 1914, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

;] W«tT« tell 7° ur r '"'' ! no,r P°° d her Iwn tell vour rhild how murb you have j Seine has done her unless you have I J«, her tab it. p gujiragist.l are refusing to have Encyft Innedia Americana in their libraries, for 1 BDwrthe subject "Kit" it merely say 8) I ."See. Ada" l ." i P «'0; , father," said the young woman en- i 1 'ttiwiitiollv. "two suffragettes are eager i I to _»«*p the country" "Humph!" re., j I n |)erl her parent, looking at her over his j 1 L--t3c)BB. "then suppose you start your • | Lr« of it in oar o'tongnioin'." 1 i'{ presume. " said the lodger icily at I lheo& " luf,in " "" li "' '•"''' depute with hi* 1 jkndladv, "I presume that }'»" will allow | | Xe to take my belongings away with me V j Ha„ <■[ a „ sorry, "'' ''"' icy reply, "but ' |j «our ether collar has nut vet come homo ; | jrom the laumln 1 Some *cho"llr.i ; "r, are notoriously null ijerpaid- One such went to get her month's 1 rtlarv. and wa -" '••"" i; ''' als note, which I 1 «jm 'anything but 'lean "Sorry the note i lis dirty," said i to- payer, "hut 1 don't j mippo->-i you're afraid •■(' microbes being ' on it- ' " N,> - i' l '- 1 '"' 1 -" said the jjj r |, l cheerfully, ' ''''" ,; " microbe i ould live on I joy salary, ! •Tan you die.! 'in? to the best hotel ; in this town'.''' asked the stranger who. after sadly watching the tram depart, had set. his bap on the station platform. "1 ; ran," replied the man who was waiting I for a train K'-y-: the other way, "but I , hat* to do it." Win !" "Becaune ynu i toll think after \ >u"\i' seen it that I'm a ! Jjar."

■There is a happy mean in everything 11 is raid that a .shrewd old lady' heard lirr married daughter say : "If my bus band doesn't, do mi. h and fin a thing, he'll tad himself in |-~.t water." My child." M id 'he old lady, "a man is like an egg. Kept in hot water .1 little while he may boil soft, but keep him there lung sad he hardens .' ''

/'.'Sir," began tin- young man nervously. " I wish to ask your consent for mv mar race with your daughter." "Eh ? " quickly rejoined the- paj-mit. ''What is your income? Is 11 sufficient to .-upport $ wife!" "It is." boldly returned the nightly nettled aspirant, "and, what is more, it's sufficient (<> :<t.wn<l an occasional touch from my wiiV* lather!" "Then fht'a yours, my son ! "

When Sir John Millais was painting 'Thill October" among the reeds ana rushes of the Tay cue afternoon, a voice iron: behind a hedge asked, •"Man, did ye every try photography '" "No, never," jaid Sir John, and he continued to paint (lotlv. "It's a hantle quicker." said the «?om'<>. ''Yes, I suppose so." the painter agreed- Then the voice said bitingly, 'An' it's mair like the place!"

An admiral cure on landing at Portsmouth was asked by a friend how ho had left the crew of hi'* ship. "Oh," said the adrenal, "J have left them the merriest fellows in the world." " How so!" queried the friend. " Why." replied the idrairil, " I flogged seventeen of them, tod they are rejoicing it is over, and all the rest aro making merry because thev escaped the ' cat.' " \

The new baby had proved itself the possessor of extraordinary lung powers. One day baby's brother", little Johnny. Mid to Ins mother : Ma, little brother umn from heaven, didn't he'" "Yes, fln»r," answered the mother. Johnny was tilpnt for a minute, and thon he went on -. •'I say, ma." "What is it. Johnny?" "I don't blame the angels for slinging turn out. do you."

Everyone has heard authentic stories of Ifio man who asked another, "Who is that old frump over yonder?" and got tile reply the is my wife." But the story dhesn't go far enough. Jones observed an old lady sitting across tho room. "For heaven's sake !' he remarked to Robinson, "who it that extraordinary ugly woman there?" "That," answered Poivnson, "is toy wife." Jones was taken aback, but rao?ed up front again. "Wc:l." he said [wraasively, "you just ought to see mine!"

"Well, old fellow, I hear that, yoor grandmother Is dead." -'Yes, she died fWtenUy." replied the old fellow, sadly. "It is the way of the world. We must HI die some time, and the old lady was well advanced in years." "She left a will end testament?" "Oh, yes, she left a will and testament," still more sadly. "You «vro always a favourite of hers. Your name mas mentioned, of course?" "Yes," he plied, and the tears began to stream down his cheeks, "my name was mentioned, I'm to have the testament."

The ar» of avoiding a conversational unpleasantness by a dexterous phrase belongs, in its highest perfection, to the East. When Lord Dufferin as Viceroy of India, he had a shikaree, or hunting servant, whose special duty was to attend ><> visitors at the Vice Regal Court or, their •tooting excursions. Returning one day »mIT !i *«« eX P editioM ' the shikaree encountered the Viceroy, who, fullofcourtZ- oi *w n" ,o [ hi » eaU ' enjoyment, Lord —-had .' "Oh." replied the srrtiuu. gpoto Indian, "the y'oung sahib ht Ed?' bu. God Was very merciful to the

Mr. Bones, w!, cn f , ulto a Zl W ' I 3" "Went with aLy To krrm wl J ~Very RUbl " aII *"» er«Tr , UJc, ' ri Bav *- <>n- oVI shaltv ll <»" kept fern r ui " "*«»«"«*. The wore I n r ar| y M h& « u^rr inß horse mar "\Vhv- • h ( ' ldanwd . "that "'■W-ltL J,i ! ' medl " that "Mala* -ill Re an >' m< ™«nt!" tk '' i^;;'' 1 - 1 -"-hen 1 arrived rae ™ a |Tan< ing young colt."

' roft hn« Inft i e, m ? h iL° mC v nOW - ono liUj " fiw old ~„ Illrn - "» «w. he had a 11 sail. Hi, r ' ha,1 > hai. K irie on •oooened that n.-i V, 3 he deliberate U " V r° r ,hal ' nlav 11,9 MwmSl" , w f "'° di, - v ™*«» into ntflm.nt. 8 oh" "il rt , a,c "f Rrcat ex *> tried. "Th,! i r ~ ,J ! deAne m " : " ha " )'»t fallen i,. eaV -'- h ' ,rr,rl " ld ' lwk ", thfl MKI( X te r mb| e "ash on J•; » moment before • " • " u 'wnK '' Wd C r.lWi? '« rnft Was f l' ,,,f ' •""xt-minoVdV!■ «t 'I ,1P mnrammJ rl,< ' k *«««,•"■ "'ways said thai

r^ ld ' ,i; ' d Wn naußhtv whipping from ? dwire f, - ,! molhpr ' : ""J "II 'lay long ***■ it I '"f rankl,vl in bin little «eliiUr bewi C k g ', lx ' l, ' i,n " r*B*. and. ~,r wwt ml. ""• "' ini ' ,1,,rf " 1 a bleMina ' i!r ' «h alone {'" U '" ,amjl - v 'n*vidn. T. '"""-' ' '-n-'pi' nous by her f°* t,,r '. tho li??i' r '" ,n -' : '" n ' 1 "-' 1 'levotit SiWi I Ml,,p!Mm ,h(xJ * "">'- t» C" «P"» b" fare. „avin K . a « bo My ou Vi' m . b ' nUliHj . -J.-pOMVou

Twn Srotrl I'oastin^T 1 ' 1 ' 1 """"" '■' IVmerara tt »biW K ' b,,ut U '"- i'Hliff.T,.nce to : Jwar m that %7 m r- 'H""i, s pu,, «„t *lh1) S, '"" A "'- M *''- «h*t I"' j «Kr.ed to !„ (]IW „ ri „ the i kl "B and ;"' ,"'"" '""'■ '' raiment, t* *'Ct n ,kl u " rn P'Tmissible. 8 w 'VH.t„ u" •'"' "•"nplai'K'd of the >!««.,, V ,■■'- " ' *h,,ky. For " W,„, 1 ' M L 0r Jl l I,i1 ,i !IIP f " ,Hl «"«ht """'but a i ' U " »■!— l Hiirker. j„ Bl |. '*; b »Pr H i*f Al, '" ,Pr '•" Dlfl >»"nd it M,Vfi back i: ,I '"' ,1 " '"-t""H thai n 7 ,n S»b c »l C, P r ' '■'■' l ' ;urpf ""- v >-'■■ J back 'ff ,pd the » low '" g 1,1 ?' Pain. ..t, M "' t-'av' a mightv J M a i r"' wh^y'..th« '.* ir t riV^ ur '"" l Alhster a.