ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume L, Issue 15482, 13 December 1913, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

HI "Has Cholly any occupation— does ho H condescend to work for money?" "Oh, | M yes! He's courting Miss Millyons." r>'}<. Adorer: "Won't you try and lovo me?' v Boston Girl: "I fear that I could never ; w a man who says ' try and' instead of . .v- • try to.'" •' '"" "Could von suggest some suitable badge ;■ \ or our ' Don't Worry' Club asked the ? typewriter boarder. " Flow would a pine f knot do!" asked the cheerful idiot. <i The Nurse: " Oh! Talk is cheap. " The •i Policeman : " Oh! 1 don't know. I know ,1 a CO who was fined three days' pay for > ' spending ten minutes talking to a girl ~ here." "I ain t losing my faith in human ' nature." said Uncle Eben, "but I kain't he'p noticin' dat dere'S alius a heap mo' ". ahticles advertised "Lost' dan dar is Found.'" Mrs. Winks: "When is Miss Hardcash J. to marry the count?" Mrs. Binks: "On .- Monday." Mrs. Winks: "Oil, of course. J { might have known. Monday is bar- ■; gain day.'' ' Wife: "How do you like the cake?' 4 " Husband: " I'm—what's it called?" * "Sunshine cake." "Very nice; but. if * I were you, I'd not try it on such a cloudy ' day, next time.' . * Fond Mamma: "Isn't baby getting big? f Just see how solid he is!" Papa: "He "; does seem solid this morning, and it's re- * markable, because he appeared to be all ■' j ' holler' last night.'' "Do your debts worry you?" asked the ,; Sympathetic Guy. " What I owe other ,', people?" .said the Willing Spender. " Well, 3 I should say not. It's what other people ... owe me that bothers!" ■;■ Howell: " A good deal depends on the .-. formation of early habits." Powell: "I ■ know it; 'when I was a baby my mother ■ hired a woman to wheel me about, and I . * have been pushed for money ever since." *. Bertha: " I guess it's going to be a • '- match between Harriet and Charley." Constance: " So?" Bertha: " Yes. Harriet to-day spoke of his stuttering as a ~, slight hesitancy in the enunciation of ~ words." ~ Husband (cynically): " Ah. women are „ all alike. When I first asked you to . marry me, what did you say? Why, you * said that you wouldn't marry the noblest ' .< man that ever breathed." Wife (quietly): : "Well, didn't, dear." ■r "I've never seen the man yet," 6he de- ■* clared, " who couldn't be made a fool of ;by a pretty woman." "Urn!" he re■i plied. "Of course, you, I take it, have 4 studied the matter from the standpoint of i the innocent, bystander." f,. * .*■ Reporter: "That's a nice way to make 'J an assignment, isn't it? I'm ordered to i. get up a column of 'Slaughter Statistics.' i Friend: "Well?" Reporter: "Well. I ■ don't know whether I'm to write up the ,; abattoirs or the level crossings." ■ |. Husband: "My dear, I thought we t were going to practise ' economy for a 1 time." Wife "So we are, dear. I *; went down and countermanded the order .'■ you gave your tailor for a suit, and bought ;, a hat that- cost only half the amount." ■v-'2 Mistress: "Mary, I was almost sure, '..: once last evening while the policeman was ■ .£ in the kitchen, that I hear a sound very ; . much like two people kissing." Mary: .'.■%" you hear it only wanst, mum?' - ~ Mistress: "Yes." Mary;. "Thin it • t wasn't us." ;V. Domestic (tremblingly): "Oh, please, I .. hears burglars in the house." Mrs. f[ Blinkers (reassuringly): "Most likely it's ~ Mr. Blinkers just in from the club." Domestic (positively): "No, mum, it's burglars. They haven't stumbled against anything at all." ':.- "Talk about absent-mindedness! Jenkins is the most absent-minded beggar I • know." "What's he done now?" "Why, ;.• -he wrote the combination of the safe on a piece of paper to keep from forgetting it and then locked the paper in the safe to keep from losing it." She " Don't jump so, dear; that's only the cuckoo clock in the hall." He •; " Oh, /■ --that's all? I thought it was your father coming down-stairs. You'll tell me when he comes,, won't you, dear?" "Oh, it -■ will not be necessary, love, to tell you; '_,':' you'll know it when papa comes." . -,'; Friend: " What in creation induced you .••;••: to buy that enormous apartment house? •■•:'; It has never paid." Mr. Bullion: My wife liked the location, and I wanted a flat there." "You could live there easily : enough, without buying the building." 'Yes, but I couldn't boss the janitor." :; -.' ,' A well-known lawyer had a horse that always stopped and refused to cross the ;„ ._ bridge leading out of the city. No whip- ..-:-.-■ ping, no-urging would induce him to cross ; without stopping. So he advertised him : 'To be sold for no other reason than that the owner wants to go out of town." "In China, my dear friends," said the .; absent-minded missionary, "human life is regarded, as of slight value. Indeed, if a * rich Chinaman is condemned to death, he . . can easily hire another to die for him; and I; believe many poor fellows get their ; Jiving by thus acting as substitutes!" "I could settle Mexico's hash for her mighty quick," remarked the confidentcoking young man. "There's other hash to be settled for, Mr. Blackboard," grimly replied the landlady. And silence en- - ; sued, while the boarders fell to reckoning ~. how to strengthen our fleet with the V butter. The sergeant, whose notion of surnames . Was vague, consulting his roster, called Private Montage." The swell recruit tittered, and said, "Sergeant, von have notot it right; it's pronounced* Mon-tag-ue. "Montag-ue!" said the sergeant, his tongue in his cheek. "Right ho! Monty—you're on fat-ig-ue for a week." _ " Have you anything to say." said the judge to the prisoner at the Bar, "before sentence is pronounced against you?" "Only this, Your Honor," replied the culprit, "I hate awfully to be convicted of burglary on the testimony of a man who kept his head under the bedclothes all the time." < "I have the greatest confidence in Dr. blocum as a physician," said one of the doctor's patients. "He never gives an * opinion till he has waited and weighed a ■ case and looked at it from every side." "U m -m!" said the sceptical friend. That's Ml right if you don't carry it too far. There have been times, you know, when he's been so cautious that his diagnosis has come near getting mixed up with the postmortem." An old Scottish woman, belonging to the clan Gordon, was exceedingly fond of having the, Bible read to her by her niece. One day, when the girl came to the description including the three thousand camels which formed part of Job's substance, she said irritably: "I ken weel eneuch that the Campbells are an auk! clan, and nae doot there were three thousand of them there ; but get on lassie, and see if ye dinna find something about the Gordons too!" Lawyer: "Well, my young friend, your Uncle Josh determined that you should be •a farmer, or get nothing from him. He did not leave you a cent of money, but he ■j Willed you his plough, cultivator, mowing machine, thrasher, portable sawmill, stone- ■;. Crusher, road-scraper, and stump puller." Young Scribbler: "All right, I'll sell V them." ~ Lawyer: "He has provided against that. You cannot sell, or even •: rent them. You must use them yourself." Young Scribbler Very well. I ' will." , Lawyer: "On the old farm?" , r Young Scribbler: "No; I'll write a play and use them on the stage." ' ; '' ' .'• ~■