OF BANKS AND ASSURANCE.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLIX, Issue 1514, 9 November 1912, Page 1 (Supplement)

OF BANKS AND ASSURANCE.

| BY FIU2X MORTON', I r I have been making the discovery that the gentlemen prominent in what I may call the new remnant of the old Liberals have an ineradicable conviction that all banking and insurance companies are wicked by instinct. I had never discovered . this for myself, and so am the more interested. My own actual banking transactions have always been of a picturesque and rather perturbing brevity. The last was in Tasmania. I found it impossible to reconcile what I reasonably suspected my income to be with the amount of money I had to spend; so I consulted certain sapient persons of my acquaintance, with the result that presently I was standing off in a state of high astonishment, regarding myself in my new aspect as a business man. I said "I will bank all the money I get, and in that way I shall know within a hundred or two how much I earn, acquire, qr otherwise) become possessed of in a year."

Being then a free-lance considerably employed by Government, I went round to the Treasury and inquired about a voucher. Payment had been passed, they told me; but the paper was- somewhere in the Audit Office. So I went along to the Audit Offioe, and received vaguely unsatisfactory

assurances from several clerks. I was informed that I should get my money in a day or two, or a week. This delay annoyed me, because I did not want my banking ardour to cool. So I went to the Auditor-General. He was a good fellow, and his name was Israel, because his brother was a Baptist. . When I emitted jeering cries in derision of what I was pleased to call his Circumlocution Office, he sat back in his chair tugging his beard and smiled at me. Then, because I was very persistent and sat smoking cigars and dropping ash all over his carpet, ho said he'd see what could be done. He saw, and I had my money in ten minutes. Then I banked £50, drew a cheque, and went over to Melbourne. In that vinous city I collected some other moneys duo me, •and when I became short again I drew more cheques. It was all very cheerful and satisfying, and I got back to Hobart well pleased with my prowess.. There I found a letter from my banker awaiting me. His name w, Tennyson, though he didn't 55*11 it like that. He said ho wanted to see me soon, and that token of his affectionate regard moved me mnch. I saw Mm, and he frowned. . He said: "You banked £50 three weeks ago, and since then you have drawn £57 10s." I said that the £7 10s represented a moderate advance against interest. He protested that that was not business, but I soothed him. I banked what loose change I had in my trousers, and went away. More cheques produced more interviews, and finally my account was closed in an atmosphere of mutual misunderstanding. Now, you would never get me standing up in Parliament to declare that banker wicked merely because he happened to be unbusinesslike. I believe in the soft answer that turneth away wrath. When my chief patron or financier in New Zea-; land comes to me with tears in his voice and mentions that,-1 •have overdrawn my s&l&jy' to theamotfnt of £132 9s" 6d, I. do not ravo arid scold ; I merely compliment him on his admirable memory, and persuade hirri to give me a cheque to prove his usefulness. The soft answer has stood mo in good stead countless times. And so with life insurance. I, don't know much about it at first hand, because I never was a gambler. But I can quite understand that some fellows find pleasureable excitement in paying large premiums and wondering anxiously when they are going to die. If I could persuade myself that I might have a fire next week and safely evade discreet inquiries, I would straightaway insure. I'm no bigot. But the country is full of unhappy chaps who spend most of their time making complaints about everything. ' Regularly I meet respectable citizens who come to me with rolling eyes and inquire what I'm going to do about the Kilbirnie trams or the condition of the Balkans. When I tell them, meekly, that I purpose to sit still and suffer on they rail at me, and tell me, I'm no citizen. What can a simple journalist do?

! One does one's best. Just now I'm seriously thinking of insuring my life, because a good fellow I know has discovered that ho can borrow money on his policy. That's a splendid idea. I suppose that the more you insure for, the more you can borrow. Thus, by paying premiums out of loans, one might set up a sort of perpetual motion, and live divorced from care amid the dust of one's own exploits. I'm thinking about it. I'm as tired of work as any member of Parliament—-as them

I am evolving these excellent schemes as I sit in tho Press Gallery of the House of Representatives. lam the only busy person hero; for though there is much talk, there is nothing doing. There is a great calm, and I can pursue ray financial dreams without disturbance. For we newspaper men gradually acquire an admirable habit of detachment. We can write lyrics in a morgue, or concoct weird fictions at a garden party. Herewhile Mr. Hindmarsh rattles on and on—l am as much alone as I should bo on a desert island. Instinct tells mo that there is no immediate danger of anybody saying anything. This is a fine profession for a man who loves quiet. It seems incredible that up in Auckland naughty amateurs are tearing "The Mikado" to pieces, that in Bulgaria savage soldiers are prodding obese sleek Christians, that in America strenuous men are dashing it .bout in divorce-suits and aeroplanes anjJ, things, that in Dunedin theological controversies are raging, and that somewhere else, the moon is energetically coming out. When I see solicitors collecting bills so that their wives may still wear frocks, when I hear farmers declaiming themselves into frenzies of 1 perspirationamid the hustle and the bustle and the fever of the world I am glad that I am fated to live thus sweetly m retirement. Once a journalist, always a journalist. You've often wondered why. Now you know.