ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLVII, Issue 14566, 31 December 1910, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

"How is your wife this fall?" "Just able. to hobble around." " I'o you assimilate your food, aunty?" " No. I doesn't, sah. 1 buys it open an' honest, sab." " I i-iay, Billy, I hear your wife has left you." , "Don't congratulate me—she's back again already !" " He's a star after-dinner speaker, isn't he?" -"A star. He's a tnoou." "How?" "The fuller the brighter." " I'm doing my best to get ahead," assorted Cholly. " Well, heaven knows you need one," assented Dollie. Mrs. Hoyle : " She has no friends to speak of." Mrs. Doyle : " That is because she speaks of them too often." " I'm from Noo York, Amurrica." Waiter (who has not been tipped) : " Right ver bar, sir. I'll warn the other guests." • He :" I shouldn't marry a woman unless she was my exact- opposite." She : " You'll never find so perfect a being as that." Postman ; " 'Tis a foine dog. Does lie know his master's voice?" Cook : " Divil a bit! In this house the master has no voice." Mother: "Oh, Bobby, I'm ashamed of you. i never told stories when I was a little girl." Bobby : " When did you begin, thin, niummte?" First Doctor : " I've discovered a sure cure for a rare disease." Second Doctor : " Croat ! Now, how can we make the rare disease prevalent ?" "Could yon suggest some suitable badge for our ' .Don't Worry Club' '!" asked the typewriter boarder. " How would a pine knot do?" asked the Cheerful Idiot. " Show me one of these old robber castles of the Rhine," commanded the tourist. " Robber castles''" echoed the puzzled guide. "Does the gentleman mean a garage?" Lady : " Why do you give me this bit of paper?" Tramp: "Madame, i do not like to critise your soup, but it is not like mother used to make. Allow me to give you her recipe. She . " Yes, we are all quite desperately ii: love with the new citrate." He : " Ah, i* was just the dread of that sort of thing i in my own case that prevented me going ir for the church !" " What's the good of having friends if you can't ask favours of them?" "That's right. But I've noticed that the man who has the most friends is the one who asks the fewest favours." "Do you forgive your enemies?" "I try to," replied Senator Sorghum. "I can't exactly forgive them, but I do my best to put them in a position where I can sympathise with them." Fussy Ladv : " Your husband does look bad!" Mrs. Wiggs : "'E ain't my husband. I 'elped 'im across the road 'urf an hour ago 'cos he's blind, and now 'e won't let go of me arm 1" Breathless Urchin : " You're wanted j dab our court, and bring a hamVlunee." ! Policem in : " What do you want, the ambu- i lance for?" Urchin: "Muvver's found i the lidv wot- pinched our doormat." ... i