ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLVI, Issue 13948, 2 January 1909, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Landlady : " Will you take tea or coffee:' Boarder: "Whichever you call it.' " I always try to treat my maid as if she •were a member"of the family." "Gracious, Vaow do you get her to put up with it?"' Summer Guest: " You call this a quiet place. Why, 1 hear a sawmill close by." -No, sir, that is my husband taking a nap." Noah surveyed the Ark. "Think what sport Roosevelt would have by chartering this ship," lie cried. Herewith he drove the animals aboard. '• Why is the Hon. Thomas Rott so pessimistic" of late?" "He has a bone felon on his index finger, and it is very painful for him to point with pride." "Why won't you go down Mill-street?" "Well,'you see, on one side of it lives my tailor, and on the other my shoemaker, while a canal runs through the middle." " This is a pretty big piece of cake for a boy of your size," said papa at tea to Jimmy. "It looks big," said Jimmy, " but really is isn't. It's got lots of porouees in it." | Crawford: "Do you ever try flattery on your wife?" Crabshaw : "Yes, and it always works except when she wants a new gown and I tell her she looks charming in her old one." Alpine Hotel Manager (to the man who has the telescope for hire): " The- Kaiser is coming here to-morrow. Be careful to say nothiEg to him about the majesty of the mountains." Woman (to her neighbour): " What makes you cry so bitterly, my dear friend?"* Neighbour: "I always weep when I hear music. My late husband used to blow the whistle at the factory." Flossie Footlight: "Part of the Japanese wedding ceremony consists in the burning of the discarded toys of the bride." Winnie Wings: "Horrors! You don't. ' '* J<n cremating her cast-off lovers, do W°" U ''" . > • Bronson: " I understand that he painted cobwebs on the ceiling so perfectly that the maid wore herself out trying to sweep them down." Johnson: "There may have lueen such an ;irtist, but there never was such a household." Teacher: "Yes, children, when the war broke out, all the able-bodied men who could leave their families enlisted in the army. Now, can any of you tell me what motives took them to the front?'' Bright Boy (triumphantly): " Locomotives." " From the grammatical standpoint," said the fair maid with the lofty forehead, "which do you consider correct: ' I had rather go home,' or 'I would rather go home?" "Neither," promptly answered the young man. " I'd much rather stay be re." Husband: "Our little boy is sick, doctor, so please come at once." Physician: "I can't get over much under an hour." Husband: "Oh, do, doctor. You see, my wife has a took on ' What to Ho Before the Doctor Comes,' and I'm so afraid ; *he'll do it before you get there!" A certain judge, while passing through the scene of an election riot, had a large stone thrown at his head, but as he happened to be in a stooping posture at the time it passed over him. " You see," eaid lie, addressing his friends afterwavds; " that had I been an upright judge I might have been killed."- *