ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLV, Issue 13722, 11 April 1908, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

—'«. .—. THE other day Dr. Fixem, in ; filling in a death certificate, put his own name in the place where he should have inserted the cause of death. Pa (giving botany lesson) : "Yes, my boy, .mushrooms nearly always grow in wet places."-Son : " Is that why they are so like umbrellas?" Fat Man (to dentist) : " Are you going to give me gas?" Dentist: "Certainly, sir." Fat Man : " Then better anchor me down first." Viola: "I've just finished a unique scfa-pillow. It's stuffed with - old loveletters." Cody: "Indeed! How very nice and soft it must be:". Minister's Wife : "Wake up ! . There are burglars in the house. John." Minister : Weil,' what of it? Let them find out their mistake themselves." ,< " I see that a number of the opera singers have been caught in the recent bank failures." "Yes. The high notes have got tangled with high finance." " There's been an awful accident outside the War Office." "Oh? What's that?" "Why, a motor-car has run over a monkey-nut and squashed a kernel !" "Our cut's just had chickens." "You silly—you mean kittens." "No, I mean chickens. She's just had _ those two chickens you brought home for dinner." Nodd : "There was to be a meeting of my creditors to-day." Todd: " Wasn't there?" "No. They unanimously agreed that they couldn't 'afford to spend the time." " There . was only a shilling in the house, and that had a hole in it._ We divided it among the thirteen of us—the other fellows got a, . penny each, and I got the hole !" Teacher (reading aloud) : " The wearysentinel leaned on his gun and stole a few moments' sleep." "I bet I know where he stole it "from it."- "Where, Dot?" "From his ' knap'-sack." ( - Mrs. Newed (sobbing) : "Oh, J-John. The c-at has e-eaten all the sponge cake 1 b-baked this m-morning. 800-ho-o'." Newed (consolingly) : Well, don't cry, dear! I'll buy you another cat to-mor-row. "■'.". "What sort of a table do they set at your boardinghouse?" asked the young man who was contemplating a change. "A table of waits and measures." replied his friend. " The first long and the latte; short." Lawyer : " Yes, my dear young lady ; you have a perfect case. If you wish, I can secure you a divorce without publicity in six months." Young Lady : " But, my dear sir, you don't understand at all. lam an actress." "What business is papa in, mamma?" "Why, he's a tea sampler; he samples the different kinds of tea." "Mamma?" "Yes, my boy." "Do you know what I want tc be "when I grow up?" "No; what, my boy?" "A pie sampler." Mrs. Payne: "But why did yen leave your last situation?" Applicant: "I couldn't stand the way tne mistress and master used to quarrel, mum." "Dear me! Did they quarrel very much, then?" Yes, mum; it was either me an' 'im, or me ar' 'er all the' time." "My wife tells me everything, she does," said the benedict, proudly. "She is like an open book." " I wish mine was like an open book," sighed the meek little man with the chin whiskers. " You do." " Yes; if she was like an open book perhaps I would be able to shut her up."