ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLIV, Issue 13497, 25 May 1907, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

" Carper has no enthusiasm in. his nature." "What makes you sthink so?" ."Why/ he never applauds anything at the theatre, and even sneers at the finest points of the play." Oh, he is studying' to ibe a -critic,, you know." ~ " : . . t, i, "Why didn't' you put on .the' ■/,' porousplaster I sent you''" ■■'• "Plasther! Doctor, I'm a" number ov.th' Hod ".Carriers-, Union, , and it's against th' rules for-me-to do anny pLastherin', except in th' reg'lar workin' hours." .. ■ Friend (to Alpine climber) :-.." Well, what • was it like at the summit?" Alpine Climb- [ er: ; " Ach! the beer at '-. the rest-house was ' simply awful." Friend: " But was the view very fine?" Alpine Climber: "I didn't look > at, that." I , Our 'Social Reformer: " What we .want, , my friends, are less \overcrowded slums, larger villages, more pleasure for the workers, and less drink." Villager: Well, sir, , but 'ow are we to 'ave more pleasure if we 'as . less beer?" " , ' . . , -Wilfred: "Pa,: a man who is continu- [ ally on a ship is called a sea-dog, isn't ■he?" Gunbusta: " That's what they -call him, my boy." Wilfred : " Well, if he's a , sea-dog, then a man who is continually on ; an airship must be a Skye; terrier." ' v "So you go ..to school, do you, Bobby?" "Yes, sir." "Let me hear now you spell 'Bread.' "B-r-e-d?"' "The :.* dictionary spells it with an ' a,' Bobby." " "Yes, sir; but you didn't ask me how the dictionary spells it you asked me how I spell it." "I sent you some suggestions telling you how to make your paper more interesting. Have you carried out any of my ideas?" ' Editor: " Did you meet the office boy with the waste paper basket as you cam© up the stairs?" Yes? Well, he was carrying out your ideas!" . A young lawyer, who had left some dress clothes with an "uncle," was seen in the pawnshop the other day. "Is he here to prosecute?" asked a friend of the pawnbroker. "On the contrary," said the gentleman of the tickets, "he comes here to withdraw his suit." , Pastor : " Whenever I come to visit you, , they always have to send after you. You are always sitting in some tavern." "Well, you see, pastor, my three daughters are married to tavern-keepers, and as I never gave them any dowry, I try to make it up by giving them my custom, ;, in rotation." ;;■'■':' * *•..'.'.; V- ' '• ■' "John," she whispered, "there's a burglar in the parlour. He has just knocked against the piano and hit several keys at once." "I'll go down," said he. Oh, John, don't do anything rash!" "Rash! Why, I'm going to help him.. You don't , suppose he could remove the piano from the house without-assistance." I "And you have got another place?" ask- } ed the mistress of the servant whom she had just discharged. "Oh, yes, mum," re- j plied that worthy. "Mrs. Brown over the j way, engaged me at once." " Did you ■ tell , her you had just been three months with ; me? "I did, and she said that if I had been able to stay three months with yevi I would do." ' "James," she said, : severely. The butler looked up with ; a guilty flush. " James," she asked, "how, is it that whenever I come into the pantry I find your work at sixes and sevens, and you .sprawled out reading the football news?" ," Well, ma'am," the butler answered,."l should saysit was /on « account of them old rubber-soled tennis shoes you're always yvearin' jtbout the " house." , A Congressman from a south-western State tells of a meeting of, grand army veterans in his State some years ago, whereat .they protested against certain proposed legislation by the State. Assembly. One of the speakers painted the situation in such black colour, that an earnest au- , ditor, overwhelmed by the recital, jumped to his feet and excitedly exclaimed :. "Comrades, is it possible that we died in vain?"

Medical.