QUACK DOCTORS AND THEIR METHODS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLIV, Issue 13485, 11 May 1907, Page 1 (Supplement)

QUACK DOCTORS AND THEIR METHODS.

■.''■' ——*- ————'.'..': ■-.■' ■!■•■'!"'; ;-i No. I. /v "' ; '';- ,:,. ;. . . by : ,y.E.w. . .: The attention which has lately been directed, both by the press 1 and the public, to the above-mentioned subject has induced me to recount some experiences which befell me in this country upon a previous visit. I have taken a few liberties 'with the names of,'both principal and patient; ,but not with those of . places, .: and! propose , to; raise a corner of the curtain from consulting-room and, dispensary! , It.,the term. " quack", emfees unqualified or unregistered practitioners, : then_ I hasten to disclaim any be-lief-that they are all: rogues—it was"only' in his wrath that the Psalmist declared all men are liars—for there are some; worthy men! among them, honestly trying!to : do good to suffering humanity. From a commercial traveller to a quack doctor seems a • somewhat curious ■; transition;" but quite unsought such a change was effected, and) .now let; me explain that the . first; step!, was taken in Melbourne, where I relieved the financial embarrassment of a certain Professor Paul to the extent of five shillings. • Many months afterwards, when walking in Willis-street, Wellington, a gorgeously-clad gentleman dashed down the steps of the Empire Hotel, seized both my hands, shook them with effusion, presented his card, upon which I read a new name, and could not but admire his forethought, and dragged me* inside to share a bottle of wine. To his credit, be it said, he repaid the .loan. . _ ' In reply to my inquiry, "How is business?" he said : " I came over steerage from Sydney with the wife and kiddies and my secretary! (?). I only had seven pounds in the world when we landed a fortnight ago ? and since then I have paid two hundred and '■ thirty-eight pounds into my banking account." .', "Paul!" I remonstrated, "I always thought you were an ' untruther;' but now lam sure of it." , ■ '. : .

"You are not in a hurry for a couple j of minutes, are you?" Then going to the j door he hailed his- cabman. " Alt', go to Panama-street and ask Mr. ,- — (the secretary) for my. bank-book." In a, few minutes I had before me indisputable proof that his statement was positively true. The credulous public of Wellington had allowed themselves to be fleeced. of no less than £238 in a fortnight. In appearance the gentleman who thus renewed, my acquaintance left nothing to be desired. , A silk-faced frock coat,, other garments,en suite, patent leather boots,■ a gold watch-chain, substantial enough to moor a hundred-ton scow, with a five-pound Jubilee coin as pendant, a single eyeglass, and the whole surmounted with a high hat of'such exceptional glossiness that it recalled the days of my youth with its lingering doubt as to whether the brilliancy of the hats worn by music-hall artists—the " lion comiques" who used to set the bouse in a, roar—was due to grease, paint, or blacklead. The monocle, I firmly believe, was a necessary part of the outfit, and its use, to rivet the gaze of the patient, and thus assist in inducing a hypnotic condition. That Professor Paul was possessed of hypnotic powers is beyond doubt. One of his first victims^—a leading chemisepurchased a quantity of magnetic belts without even seeing a- sample, and parted with a cheque for £50 within twenty minutes of the opening of the interview. In conversation with this gentleman, who was deploring the fact that the belts had never been delivered, he assured me that he must have been hypnotised or he would never have been victimised'.

To return, however, to my story. Nothing would do but I must pay a, visit to the consulting-rooms; so, for the first time, I was privileged to go behind the scenes. Premises as unassuming as their proprietor was imposing, liberally adorned, however, with paint and posters, intimating that the "Kaffir Healer" granted consultations tree of charge. A small boy emerged from behind a screen; but upon seeing his employer resumed his task of filling small tins with the famous " Kaffir Herbal Tooth Powder."" The bulk was contained in a two hundredweight cask, and was composed of chalk, with just sufficient pulverised charcoal to give it ? greyish tinge. This was retailed at a shilling a tin, with a toothbrush (eight shillings per gross wholesale) given in, and yielded a very fair profit. After being introduced to the secretary I sat chatting for a while, and amongst other things asked my host his reasons for choosing his title. I had met him previously as the " Canadian" and as the " Parisian .Healer." ' "Ob," he replied; "it is neoes-

sary to have something short and simple that the fools (oh! suffering public) can't help understanding." ' Then, turning to his secretary: "Anyone been in, Frank?" "No," was the reply; "only a couple of love' patients." My curiosity was again aroused, uniil it- ] was' explained to me that the term indicated those patients who had mounted the ] rostrum when the professor was lecturing, land whose cure was undertaken ■ free of ] charge. " Corns round to the - show tonight," was the cordial invitation as I made Imy adieux. "Back of the library. You'll hear the band." I At eight o'clock I did hear the band and | saw the show. My friend was holding [forth to a deeply-interested crowd, amidst which two boys," clad in uniforms and each with a peaked cap bearing in gold letters the words "Kaffir Healer," were industriously pushing the sale of. the magical herbal dentifrice. A flaring naphtha lamp on either side of the small platform, with a glaring fraud between; and to this fraud went patient after patient. Curiously enough they were unanimous in declaring that they experienced relief from his treatment. Presently catching sight of me in the crowd he fixed me with his monocle, and a few minutes afterwards concluded his address, with this very impressive peroration : " Now, never mind what the doctors have told you, never mind what your friends have told you. If yours is an incurable case, that is what I am looking for. I never, in all my professional experience, met with one yet. My consulting-rooms," here came a snowstorm of cards, are open to all; '- rich and poor will be treated alike. In Melbourne I have counted as many as eight carriages outside my rooms, while their wealthy owners have waited their turn to see me." "Why did you leave there, then?" came an impertinent query from one in the crowd, and in an instant, the retort: "Because I'd cured all my;patients, and there weren't enough sick people left to keep me." The)' resuming: " I say that whether you come in your carriages or hobble in on crutches I guarantee you fair play and all that skill and experience can do for you. Money does not appeal to me, suffering does; and remember that a visit to Panama-street will cost you nothing. I will undertake the most hopeless-looking; case on the understanding that if no cure 1 be effected no fee will be demanded. Now, friends, you must excuse me, I see a brother specialist in the crowd" (thus was greatness thrust upon me), "who arrived m Wellington only to-day to meet me in consxdtation. 'God save'—you with the trombone there —and that evening's show was over. '' : "How much?" inquired Paul of his secretary, as we left the scene of his labours together. ; -- ; ! ; -— " Two-thirteen-six !" was the reply. ; '■;•"." Umph! That -will pay for the band | and a bottle of wine, anyhow. Come on!" When he had settled down for the evening, in reply to a question from me, he said!: "It's the excitement that does it. They come op to the platform full of aches and pains, then when they see the crowd and the lamps and ; the band they ' get a sort of stage fright. They lose their nerve and their nervousness together, and ■ mind simply romps over matter." ■' "Bub what about the deaf people?" I interjected. ■'■<)"> ?; ; -. • '- '■[:■ ' "Well, with them the vibration set up by the. band is a great help, and makes the' tympanum much more sensitive ; than it would be with silence all around. I drop some liniment into the ears, then ask them if they notice any difference,: and not one in a hundred will say, 'No.' You noticed that I plugged their ears afterwards with cotton wool, so that they should'not catch cold. That was in case anybody in the crowd should speak to them. They'd think the improvement did not last long!" s .; ; - In reply to further questioning be continued: "Suppose you 'come to consult me" (it was a! highly improbable supposition ; but I did) not say so), r '- My . man asks you ;to take a seat in the : waiting-room, then hands you a ; -card and■' asks, you : to write on. it, your name, age, and the disease you believe you are suffering from; thi eii I kindly.;place it in ) this* envelope". No; face down, if-you please! ! I do not wish to j see ■ it. " Now- kindly keep; th in your hand until • the doctor !is ' ready for? you.' Well, you walk in. I am sitting at the table with ' a shaded ■'. lamp on v lt'-tshade down :my side, see? I take the envelope, ] glance jat it, ,; then press i it :; to my fore: head. ' 'Your name ,is John Smith, you are thirty-eight years'.of. age,' and troubled with lumbago!'; "isn't that a corker?" I admitted that it "certainly was ;• but naturally wanted to know.how it was done. " Easy as eating peanuts," .he ■ said, cheerfully.' " " I have-a wooden saucer .screwed under the table ledge, so that I can twist it in or out, that is filled with alcohol (R.G.V.); on the inside of this signet ring I have a piece of sponge sewn, When that envelope is wetted with spirit it is as transparent as glass.. I've seen all I want before I put the envelope to my head; but the natural heat of one's forehead helps to evaporate the,spirit, and it leaves neither mark nor smell." . ' Some days after this conversation I returned to my sample-room one day and found that the telephone . had been claiming me frantically, and whilst the clerk was telling me this there came a ring, and then the message: "For heaven's sake comevdtown to Panama-street at once." When I arrived there the place was all confusion, an• old ■', lady lay*on the sofa groaning dismally arid' apparently unconscious. Paul and his secretary were both distraught, as they confessed afterwards, seeing. visions of inquests. The facts upon which I was asked to make a diagnosis ran: "She came in here to-be treated for rheumatism, and all of a sudden she went oft". Seemed to have a fit, andi then started singing out about her heart." "Has she had any medicine from you?" I inquired. ! . * ' " Not a drop,_ except the methylated spirit liniment." ; "Well,, you are all .right, then. This attack has nothing to do with you. Send I the boy out for an ounce of oil of peppermint aud a shilling's worth of brandy, and we'll fix her up a' bit and send her to the hospital." My prescription worked wonders, for. in half an hour the old lady, assisted by her son, who; by the way, had been in the waiting-room all the time/ was on her -way 'to' the hospital. •_ I mention this as the one and only instance in my knowledge of the professor losing his nerve, and also because, perhaps, it was my display of promptitude in an emergency which induced him, later, to transfer "his mantle to. these unworthy shoulders. My personal experiences as a " quack": must, however, form :Hhe theme for a future article.