ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLIV, Issue 13485, 11 May 1907, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Teacher: Is there any connecting link between the animal, and •■ the vegetable kingdom?" Bright Boy: "Yes, mum; there's hash." ■ - . ' ' "'»:' First Doctor: "Is .this operation absolutely necessary ?" Second Doctor : "It is. The only chance we have of. collecting our bill is from his life insurance." : . Pater: "Well, my ..boy, so you have interviewed your girl's father, eh! Did you make the old codger toe the mafk|>' Son:"Yes, dad, I was the mark." . _•/ •"Please, pa," pleaded Bobby, "just f one more." "Au right," said pa,' closing the book. " Well, say pa," began Bobby, "who is' going to bury the last man that dies?""Oh, yes my niece had a splendid wedding; everyone gave her the most magnificent presents.' j And what wa-s yours?" "Oh, I gave one .of the toasts at the break-j fast." ;. j : 'w' ■' ' ,' ' ." '~ . . f Professor (lecturing on hygiene): " Tobacco, gentlemen, makes men ugly,; short-i winded, idiotic, "paralytic; and -I;. can tell you this from experience, for I have smoked for many years.'.''.. ' '. j ' _■ , ■':'■■■:, ''; i Captain (to the man at the wheel): "Another point a-port, quartermaster," Lady Passenger: Good gracious! that's the second pint of port he has called for within a few minutes. How those captains drink!" . Little Johnnie: " Mother, tell me how papa got to know • you." Mother: " One day I fell into the water and he jumped in and fetched me out." Little, Johnnie: " H'm, that's funny; he won't let me learn to swim." .... j' "When the Hunters married they made an excellent arrangement: if one of them got into a rage the other one should keep silence." "And did it succeed?" "Oh, 'yes; the husband has- hardly spoken' for twenty years." v■- • ■ '{, \%}" I can't see anything of special interest in that manuscript' of yours," said the publisher to the aspiring author. " I j didn't anticipate that you would," replied the author. " But I thought possibly your readers might have more intelligence." " Visitor (to little Willie): "Well, my boy, I'm afraid I can't wait to see papa any longer, as I have to go and see my uncle." "Aren't you going to take anything' with you?" "No,-my boy; :! why?" - "Well, papa always takes something with him when he goes to see his uncle." , ■.' •.. ' Lady Visitor: "I. am sorry to, see you here, my young friend. You appear to have had a good education." Convict: "Well, madam, I have been through _ Trinity College." Lady Visitor: "Is it possible?" Convict: " Yes ; that's the reason I'm here. They caught me as I was going through." •A suburban minister, during his discourse one Sabbath morning, said: In each blade of grass there is a- sermon." The following day one of his flock i discovered the good man pushing a lawn-mower about his garden and paused to say : "Well, parson, I'm glad to see you engaged in cutting your sermons short." ; V , ....' A man who bore all the appearance of belonging to the criminal classes burst into a ./police station the other night ' S-."lgivt myself up," he cried. "Why, what Lo\e you been doing?" asked the inspector. "Doingl" groaned the culprit. "For the last half-hour I've been at the office in the High-street \ trying every dodge I knew to open a patent safe, and after drilling it nearly full of holes with my new electrical apparatus, blest if I didn't discover that the door was open and the safe empty. Please send me to prison at once." •