ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLIII, Issue 13235, 21 July 1906, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

■ •——; — ♦ *.■ What is the difference between a watchmaker and a,' gaoler? One sells watches • and the other watches cells. ■. '■■-.' --'; ,'! {. * Father': '"' I believe you desire to "make 4 my daughter happy?" Suitor:" Yes, sir." Father- "Well,, don't marry her, then!" , , Father Pelican: "What gives you that cold, glassy fitare this morning?" The Ostrich: "I ate a frosted window-pane-for breakfast." J-.'.'.'.', ■ . ■ It ia interesting to see fashion moving with the times. At a recent society Tunc- . tion a lady, appeared with an electric-blue - tram.—Punch. , ■ Bella: "What; do thev want to discover [: i thejNorth Pole for?" Stella: "What for? ; Why, fox- the sake, of getting some picture pK-postcards, from there, *of course." ; .- v "- He Wasn't so (H)armless. -"I tried to twist him around my finger." -"Well, did -you succeed?" "I started out all* right, , .but finally found .myself coiled up in his arms." ' ,■'"'". -_r |;vSfe ; The number of aeronauts is constantly' in- *;,> '\ creasing. Last week two ladies made bal- ■ '; loon ascents from Wandsworth, and Mr. Lloyd-George paid a flying visit to Liverpool.—Punch. ' Theatrical Manager (to applicant for position) ..--.." Do you think you wou'd make a good walking gentleman?" - Actor (suspiciously): "Um——how far from London ; :; are you going?" ■■...■ i . "What are you moping about the house for, Tommy? Why don't you go over and play with "Charley Pinafore?" '''Cause I played with him yesterday, and I don't s'poee he's well yet." ■ ■ Mr. Newly P«iche: "We must learn how 1 to behave, Maria, if we are going to enter \ society." Mis. Newly Riche: "We will, my dear. The new set of servants I have > engaged have been in the best families." Mistress:" Get dinner to-day on the .gas stove, Bridget." Bridget: "Plaze, , ; mum, I did thry, but the stove went out." ./j;.. "Try again, then." "Yis, mum; but it's ■not come back yit. It went out through the roof." * • Little Gladys (who has to wear her mother's cast-off clothing): "Ma., I know why the vicar said I was a daughter of , \ Eve." Mother: , Why?" L.G.: "Because Eve had to wear leaves, and I've got to wear leavings!" 1 . ' Mistress: " Bridget, why didn't you finish winding the clock? You only gave it a .couple of turns." Maid: "Yea must re- ' member that I'll be lavin'. to-morroy, mum, . -and I'd not be afther doin' anny of th' new gyurl's wor-rk!" —: •'■ '•"-■ "•••■-."' - * ... ■J 1 "It's wrong- of me to take this food," said the tramp, as he reached out for the !-.,: ''-"' pie in the window, "but," he added, reflectively , - "I've had repeated inquiries for it from 'the- department of the interior, and ;< I shall now deliver the goods.'',;, '' . :'-, ; Said the night watchman, when, about «■> ' 'bisk, he was* invited to drink a cup of. '* coffee, "No." thank voir; coffee keeps ■ awake all niglit." And then he caw. his 1 (winder, looked veiy embanas'-'cd, and tried to e tplain, Ust it m.k f no ul-c. '■' '■■■ Mo: "Oh, Jack. I forgot to tell von I;- awake all night." And then he Do his "blunder, looked very embarrassed, and tried to explain, but it was o£ no uise. Sb<j: " 01i, Jack, "I forgot to tell you , I've got a French maid at last. Do vou !,, bow any French" 1 don't.'' He: "Oh, ,; <;:, ■ i know a few won" 1 like cheric, men ange, y-./'tma belle' She: "What do those words !:■. ,J mean?" He; "Oh, she'll understand."