ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLIII, Issue 13163, 28 April 1906, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Philanthropist : "My poor man, you are in trouble, I see. Why do you wring your bands?' Hobo: "I just washed 'em."

Willie: " Papa is going to let you marry sister. ' Foatlierstone: "How do you know?" Willie: He said after all it' was better than nothing."

Stewdeus : "I hear that you had a tough voyage coming over." Miss Highfli: " Oh, frightfully so! It was such a relief to set foot once more on vice versa"

High Financier: "My son, I am pained '• to hear that you are at the foot of the class." Son: "Why, pa. I judged from your testimony that, it was proper not to know anything at all."

"Yes," remarked the professor, "I rather pride myse'f on the discover of another hypothesis." " Indeed." replied Mrs. Cumtox, a little doubtftully, "I hud an idea they were quite extinct."

The following sublime paragraph is from one of the latest fashionable novels: — " With one. hand ha held her beautiful head above the chilling waves, and with, the other called loudly for assistance!"

'"It is great comfort to have a child bout the house." said (lie man of domestic tastes. " Yes," answered the unfeeling wretch; "when company comes that you don't care for you can make it recite."

Youth : " What do T have to pay for a marriage license?" Clerk: "Well, vou get it 011. the instalment plan." Youth: "How's that?" Clerk: "One do] down and your entire salary each month for the rest of your life."

Miss llftixler (interested): "So your new tiovc-I i,g entitle! "A Search for Gold "Your hero is sum? poor'fellow, with the Scene laid in the .Klondike. I sudjtom??" Author: '"Oh no: just a titled Englishman in New Yoik."

When Bilkins whs away from home on a wr;; business trip he trot ;i< letter from his wife that, still puzzler, him. • It ended thus: "Babv is well, and lots brighter than •she used tr> be. Hoping vnti ;<re the same, I remain. Your Loving Wife."

"Yes," said Mis* I'assay. "young Mr. /.inks is a remarkably clever financier. It's delightful to see an old bead on young shoulders. isn't it. Mr. Jinks?" "Ah—or— ves," said Mr. Jinks. But he apprehensively moved his chair a little further away.

Gain had Introduced his wife to the rest />f the family. "'Where did you net. her?" jjskecl Adam, suspiciously. "I decline to answer.' responded Cain. 'J bus, as there ■was 110 higher court to compel him to MiKvrer, he cleverly avoided getting himtelf into a serious theological mix-up.

"■'Gracious!" exclaimed the shocked old lady a/s she adjusted her spectacles. "If vou big boys don't stop pummelling that little lad he will have to go to the hospital » hope you don't call that playing soldiers.' "We ain't playing soldiers, retorted the tough boy in the green sweater. "Were playing naval cadets."

Evangelist: ''Dancing is wicked. TintJsrfly : '' Xonsen&e !" Kvangolist : "My dear 6>iat?i, tc'.l me die truth. Do you never, have sinful thoughts wiiil^dancini}! Butterfly: " Y'es, sometimes.'' hvaiigel'tft: '-"Alia! ■ And what arnuses the sinful liioughts?" Butterfly: "Having a partner who walks.all over my feet."