ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLII, Issue 12931, 29 July 1905, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Juikjk : " I'll give' you thirty days in gaol." Prisoner: "Good! My wife will be through spring-cleaning when I get out." The artist, says a humorous writer, no doubt does his best work when lie is draw l ing his salary, but the orator lives on free speech. Some think, says Puck, that if cats had always wont skirts, like a woman, they would] act about the same way over a mouse. ' He: " I was an intimate friend of your late husband. Can't you give me something to remember him by She (shyly): " Howwould I do?"

Charitable lady: " But a man last week told me exactly "the same story 1" Tramp: "Yes, lady. Yer see, 1. made a fatal mistake in not bavin' the history of mc life copyrighted."

"What can wo do to improve the presentmethod of dancing?" thundered the parson. "Dancing is merely hugging set to music." " We might cut. out the music/' softly suggested the bad young man. •

"I tell you, golf is going to be the salvation of the nation and lengthen our days by decades." "But our ancestors didn't -go in for golf." "And where are they now? Dead! All dead!"

Robinson : " What spoilt Archie's chance with Miss Milluns?" , Jenkins: "She told him she disliked compliments." "And he persisted in paying them?" .' "No; • lie was stupid enough "to believe her and stop!"

"My fee for advice is a guinea, sir," observed a doctor as the patient left. " Oh, I daresay," replied the canny Scot, "but ye see I'm no. gaiin to talc' your advice," and he departed with his. hands in his pockets,

' Medium: "I can tell you about a buried treasure." Patron: "Please don't! My husband is always tooting that in my ears." Medium: . "Does he' know anything about a'buried treasure?" Patron: "Yes; his first wife.

" Fred took me to the opera last night," said the first dear girl. "We had a 1 box." "Yes," rejoined dear girl No. 2, "I saw you eating something in the gallery, but I wasn't quite sure whether you had a box or a paper bag."

" Oh, lie's the author of several highly successful novels, I understand," "Not exactly. He's the successful author of several novels." "Well, what's the difference?" "He merely succeeded in writing the novels, that's all."

An old woman who had received a cheque went with great glee to the bank to draw the money:. " This cheque is crossed; we can't pay it over tho counter, my good woman." "All right, sir; I'll come round, then," was the immediate reply, v.

A , well-known judge fell down a flight of stairs, recording his passage a .bump on every step until he reached the bottom.' A servant.ran. to his assistance and, .raising him up, said: "I hope yd-tir honor is not hurt?" "No," said the judge sternly, "my honour is not hurt, but my head is."

" Sliorry I'm late, m'dear," apologises the husband; " but I. wash . d'tained at the offish." "What detained you?"- asks the wife. "Had t' . shtay't'. And a balansb." " And did you find it?" " Yesli, after long shearch." . "Well, I'm sorry to see that you lost it again before you got home."

The following story was originally told by Frederick Douglass in his lecture on John Brown, one of the heroes of the American Civil War. Just after his first inauguration President Lincoln was blacking his boots in democratic fashion, when several foreign diplomats called and caught bin? in the act. One of them remarked sneer•ingly, " Mr. President, in our countries the chief executives de not black their own boots." "Indeed," said Mr. Lincoln, with cheerful curiosity, "whose boots do they black?"