THE "DOOLEY DIALOGUES."

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLII, Issue 12818, 18 March 1905, Page 1 (Supplement)

THE "DOOLEY DIALOGUES."

(Copyright. 190-1. by McClurc, Phillips, and Co.)

MR. DOOLEY ON BANKS AND BANKING.

" Welt,, sir,", said Mr. Doolcy, " I've been doin' th' bankers iv this counthry a gr-reat injustice." "Plow's that?" asked Mr. Henncssy. "I've put thim down all me life as "cold, stony-hearted- men that wild as soon part with their lives as with their money. I had a pitcher iv a banker in me mind—a stern, hard-featured ol' gintleman with curly side-whiskers, settin' on th' people's money an' stallin* off both th' borrower who comes be night with a dhrill an' th' more rnyfined burglar who calls in th' daytime with a good story. 1 was afraid iv thim. I wud no more dare to ask a banker to take din-ink or shoot th' shoots with me thin 1 wud an archbishop. If I talked to wan iv thim, I I'd look up all me statements in the almanack an' all me wuniids in th' dilchnry, to see that I got nawlhin' wrong. An'"l made a mistake about thim. Far fr'm bein' a hard, cynical class, th' bankers iv America is a lot iv jolly dogs that believes in human nature, takes life as it is, aisy come, aisy go, hurrah boys, we'll be a long time dead". Hard to borrow money fr'm thim? On th' contbry, it's hard to keep thim fr'm crowdin' it on ye They'll lend ye money on annything ye shove in, on a, dhream that ye saw a sojer on horseback, on th' sad story iv ye|er life, or on ye'er wurrud iv honour if ye'er ready to go back on it. I niver knew what collateral was on til this lady fr'm Cleveland come along. Collateral is" a misstatement on which bankers lend money. If ye broke into a bank in Ohio to-morrah, ve'd prob'ly find th' vaults full iv Louisiana lottery tickets, bets on th' races, and rayports iv crystal gazing. "Bankin' is a sthrnnge business, amiyhow. I make up me mind that I need more money than I have, or 1 want to build a railroad in Omaha, or a gas-house in Milwaukee, or Mrs. Chadwick want- an autymobill, or something else happens, air' I start a bank. I build a. brick house, put ir'n gratings on th' window, an' ye an' Donohue fight each other to see who'll get his money first to me. I accept it very reluctantly, an' as a gr-reat favour to ye. Says I, ' Hinnissy and Donohue,' says I, "ye ar-re rayspiclable wumikin' men. an' I will keep ye'er money f'r ye rather than sco ye spind it in riociious livin',' says I. 'As a gr-reat favour to yc, I will take care iv these lithographs 'be lendin' Hum to mo frinds,' says I. 'If ye want the money back ye can have it a'uny time between nine in th' mornin' an' three in th' afthernoon, except Sundays an' holidays,' says-1, 'but don't .both come at wanst,' fays I, 'or nayefher iv ye'll get it.' says I. Well, yo lavo ye'er money with me, an' I suppose ye *hink iv it lyin' safe an' sound in th' big sthrong box," where Ji' burglar .boys can't get it. Yc sleep bett her at nights because yo feel that ye'er money is where no wan can reach it except over mc dead body. If ye on'y knew, ye've not turned ye'er back before I've chased those hard-earned dollars oil' th' premises. With yo'er money I build a house an' rent it to you. I start a railroad with it. an' ye wurruk on th' railroad at two dollars a day. Ye'er money makes me a prom'nent citizen. Th' newspapers intherview me on what shud be done with th' loilin' masses, manin' yean' Donohue; I consthruct th' foreign policy iv th' govemmint: 1 tell ye how ye shud vote. Ye've got to vote th' way i say or I won't give ye back ye'er money. An' all this lime ye think iv that little bundle iv pitchers nest I in' in th' safe in my brick house, with me settin at the' dure with a shotgun acrost me knees. But wan day ye need th' money to buiy somewan, an' ye hurry «own to fee me. "-'Sorry,' says I, but I've just given it all •to a; lady "who come out iv th' Chinese •laimdhrv nex' dure, an' said she was an illegitimate aunt iv Jawn D. Rockcfellar.' And'there ye ar-re. "If iver I have anny, relations with a bank Hinnissy, it won't be in th' way iy puttin' money in. Were ye ivcr in a bank? Yc wudden't* be; I was wanst. Wanst I was 85 dollars on me way to bein' a. ; millvonaire. an' 1 wint down town an' threw th' monev into th' window, an' told th' banker to take th' best iv care iv it. 'We can't take this.' says he. ' Why not ? says I. 'I don't know ye.' says he. 'Niver mind that,' says I. 'It's me money, not mesilf I'm thryin' to intrajooce to s'ciety. says I. 'It's a very nice kind iv money, an aven if ye don't like it now. 'twill grow on , •yc,' says I. 'Or. at lastc. I hope so.' savs '[. D'ye know. Hinnissv. he wudden't take th' money till I cud get Dorsey, th' plumber. ! to assure him that I was fr'm wan iv th' oldest fam'lies that had come to Arcbcv | Road since th' fire. TPivin' satisfied himsilf ! that mo money was iit ft oilier people's money to Hssocyat" with, he to'' th' polisinan to put me in'a "line iv people with blue noses who "ore clutchin' at postal ordliers in front iv a window where a young fellow fr'm wan iv th' rile fam'lies i\ Europe sat. Th' prince im* properly indignant at bavin' to take money fr'm sthraugers, an' he showed it be glarin' at th' iinpydinl depositors. Whin it conic me (urn, I wanted to 101 l him how 1 hated to part with me little money, how long me money an' me had slept together an' niver had a cross wurrud : how its slightest nod was a command to •no: but now I supposed th' time had come whin if must go out an' see something iv th' wurruid. on'y I' hoped 'twud be happy among sthraugers. an' he wud he good to it. because 'twas all I had, an' not large ft its age. I felt very sintiminlal, Hinnissy. F'r two years I'd counted that money forty times a day. 1 knew ivry wi inkle on it. 1 had' what "yc might call a legal tenderness f'r it. But befurc I cud deliver me sintiminlal addhress. called ' A poor man's farowell to his rolyboly,' th' young duke grabbed th' bundle, tossed it over into a pile, hit me on the chist with a pass-book, muttered ' Burglar' under his breath, and dhrove me fr'm th' bank, penniless. As I passed be th' prisidint's office. I found th' great man biddiu' a tearful farewell to Gallagher. He owns all th' copper mines in Halsted-sfreet, has a half inthrest in Jack's tips on th' races, an' controls th' American lights in th' Humbert fam'ly. ' Ar-re ; o wail iv us?' says I. 'Wan iv what?' says he. 'Wan iv us depositors,' says I. 'I mi not,' says he. ' I've jus' dhropped in an' borrowed a thousand,' says he. 'What on?' says I. 'On a crnod thing this afthernoon at" Noo Orleens.' says he. ' Who vouched f'r ye'er charackter?' says 1. 'Ye don't need a charackter to borrow money at a bank.' savs ho." I

' How 'd'ye suppose that there lady fr'm Cleveland fooled thim bankers?" asked Mr. Hennessy. " Ye'd think they'd lie too smart to be bunkoed."

"Don't ye believe it,' said Mr. Poo ley. "Nobody is too smart to be bunkoed. I'll' only kind iv people that can be bunkoed are smart people. Ye can be too honest to 1» bunkoed, but nivcr too smart. It's th' people that ar-re tliryin' to get some- ! thing fi nawthin' (hat-end in gettin' iiaw--1 thin f'r ivivthmg. i niver can burst into tears whin'l read about some la-ad be in robbed be a confidence game. Canada Kill, .Gib Fitz, or Mrs. Chadwick niver got winy | money fr'm square people. A man that buys a <;oold brick thinks he is swindlii'' a. | poor Imlyan that don't know its value; ] a fellow that comes on to buy f'r 500 dol- j lars tin thousan' dollars worth iv somet Inn that is so like money ye can't tell th dirt- j renoe, is hopin' to swindle th' Governmin!; ; th' foolish man that falls f'r th' three-card thriek has th* wromr card crimped f r him whin th' dealer's back is turned;, th shell wurruker always pretinds to fumble an carelesslv show th' farmer which shell th' little pea 'is uuclher; an' th' Indv fr'm Cleveland couldn't have got anny more money on Andys name thin on mine 'if she hadn't promised I to divide with th' bankers. I rayfuse to j sob over thirn poor, gloomy financeero anny more thin I wild over th' restless capitalist who loses his all in a wire-tapping entherprise. Whin a man gets more thin six per cint. f r his monev, it's a thousan' to wan | lie's paving it himsilf. Whiniver aniiv- | body offers to give ye somothlii' f'r nawthin . or soniclhin' f'r less thin its worth, or more f'r somcthin' thin its worth, don't take any chances. Yell f'r a polisman." " Th' wurruld is full iv crooks," stud Mr. Hennessv. | "It a'iu't that bad," said Mr. Dooley. , '"An, besides, let us thank Hiven they put in part iv their lime cheatin' each other." |