ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLI, Issue 12609, 25 June 1904, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

, , . — «>■ i■ - ■-<' - ,?■ "Has the doctor given up all hope-?" "Oh, no*; lie thinks the■ estate will settle the hill if his patient dies.!!: ■ , Lady:"."How" dirty your face is, little l.v J"' Boy: 'Vc'in; .we"ain't hftd.no company lor moro'n a week." i ■■■■:-;; ■ ■■■;■;■ ; : ;.;V\:.:f: l^.y. ;.;;- ; ;*'"»*—T ' ?:K :i : :'K'^t. :; J ; V : ■:■&■'. : .v; r ; :^ "Yes, Germany has turned out a great many musicians, and is still turning them out. Well, can you blame her?" ••. - \ -•-'" >: V: ;v;.^y; ; ;, ;• , ' ■ ; Amateur Actor: "Oh, I don't want to take that character.- I shall make v an idiot of myself for certain.?* j, - " Well, you said you wanted an easy part." .. .'/ A-«•■ >~.:;:." J ■;••: ■-■•--■:.. . ; : ;." - ; 'J: I ''-" *".:-« : Myer: "Did you ever see a man-eating shark?' "No; but I once saw. a-'maneatjC ing salmon." And it took the other twent| ■minutes to understand the connection." / ,4 "My dear," said a, rural wife to her husband on his return from town, " what was the sweetest thing you paw in bonnets in the city?" .'"The ladies' faces, my love." f Mw. Justwed: "My dear, when' we were; engaged I always slept with your. last letter under my pillow." Justwed: = »t* Aid/ I, too; darling, often went to . steep over your letters." ' , . " Don't you believe," said the pious land-. lady to the boarder, " that all flesh is grass.'! " o," hesitated the ■ boarder, as he took another < hold of . his knife, " I think somf of it is leather." ' ■;

Wifey: "' Do you recollect that ones, when we bad a tiff, I said you'were jus|as mean as you could lie''".?; Hubby: "Yes,, darling." Wifey; " Oh, James—how little, did I know then!" ~< "'' > Mrs. Chilledairie: - " Don't you know that ; Nature rebels against laziness? ■: A man"; 'can get nothing in this world without labour!?' Beggar: " Humph 1 ■■■,% Can't he? ,- <Hfr' can get hungry, I guess." ". : . J '; : ,':; - iJ-\ L -;',' Mrs. Thinkard : *' Of late years the Spread of intelligence: among all classes has been simply wonderful." Old Bachelor: "Yes. I notice there has been a great falling off in the number of marriages.? Lawyer (to coloured client): "Yon are granted ■ a divorce, bub you'll have 5 to give her alimony." Client: "All right; She kin have Alimony ef she wants him, . but— Ijawd help him w'en he gits her!" Patient: "I'm feeling very ill again, doctor. Do -you ; think I'm going to die?'' Doctor: "My dear madame, compose your* self. That i's the last thing in' the world that is going to happen to you."

Father McNally.(with righteous indignation : " For shainc oft ye, O'Beary; you're half dKrunk."- O'Bleary, (apologetically): " Oi know it, ver worships but it's not ray fault. Oi'veslipant all the money Oi had.'';

The Adorer: "It's wonderful, old man, what love will enable a fellow to see.; in a girl that he never saw before." The Onlooker: "No doubtV but ibis equally, wonderful what it won't let hirotsce that he'll see later." .'■ ,L ". .'■;• - r ,< * , ,;., "Aren't vou ashamed of ; youi indolence?' " Indeed I am," answered Meandering Mike, " I've been trying to do something for it.' "What*" "I've been, takin' de faith-cure. I've been chopping make-believe wood with an imaginary axe."

Site: "The man I marry -must be both brave and smart," He: " When we were out sailing and upset I saved you from a watery grave." She: " That was brave, 1 admit, but not smart," He : " Yes, it was. I upsfct the boat on purpose." '. '■',/..■., f> f

. *I'm' ready," shouted a pompous orator the other night, "to meet calmly any emergency that may arise." At this moment fee platform collapsed, and the speaker exhibited groat perturbation. : " How about that <»:!>-•■.•" they aslyd him later. "That one did wot arise."

" Come and dine with us to-morrow, said th» old fellow who had made his money and wanted to push his way into society. " Sorrv," replied the elegant man, "I can't; I'm going -Utiw*'-' Hamlet.' " "/That a all right,' said the hospitable old gentleman; "Bring him with you." ' ,

•A lady had invited little Sammy; out fe dinner. * His hostess gently suggested ; tha he should use his napkin to wipe his finger and " not the tablecloth: "I: beg your pa* don," said the little fellow, " but I though it such ft pity to soil a clean napkin whei there -was such a dirty cloth on;the table.;' ,

A teacher questioning little boys about the ,: graduation in : the scala;; of ]' intelligence asked, " What conies next to man?" • Whereupon a little fellow, who was evidently smarting tinder a sense of previous defeat, l immediately distanced , all competitors by promptly shouting, " His flannel shirty ma - am." " . " *#

Mr. Henpeck: : " Well, there is one thing certain, and that is that I can't miss heaven. I'm sure to get there." How do you make that out?" asked a friend. Mr. Henpeck: «'Easy, enough. If I die before ray wife does,'then I'll be in heaven. If she dies first, then this earth will be heaven enough forme." ' ". ' '

II ■ Brother Jones was noted for his long and laborious prayers, and. although the good people of the church respected him, they were not at all. pleased to hear him ■. pray in meeting. Th e new minister was not aware of' Brother. Jones' unpopularity % as a " prayer,," so he had no idea why » ripple of amusement passed over the congregation when, aft<n* a hymn had bceiijßung, he said, " Brothel- '• Jones will lead : lis' in prayer,'' and in. a fervent tone added, "and may God help us." ~.. ~_,,., "•,'■•■..■_ ' ">i ; *i