ODD STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLI, Issue 12546, 13 April 1904, Page 2 (Supplement)

ODD STORIES.

THE JUDGE AND THE K.C. Happy is tho witness whom Mr. Justice, Darling protects with his wit. "You compel me," said a K.C. severely to a witness, to test your credibility. This if? not- the first time we have met?" The witness was unable to recall a former meeting with the learned gentleman. " Surely it must have occurred to you during this trial that we are Dot unknown to one another?" persisted the K.C. "Do you want the jury to believe, Mr. /" inquired Mr. Justice Darling, '• that the witness is discredited because lie knows you?" HIS MISTAKE. It was a new batch of Brodricks, and they were engaged vigorously marking time on the barrack square. One of the recruits attracted the adjutant's attention by his extraordinary behaviour. He was working his arms up and clown and making a hissing noise with his mouth. . " What the devil are you doing, sir.' asked the adjutant. The youthful recruit stopped his antics and looked crestfallen. "What the others are doing," he stammered. " And what do you think the others are doing?" demanded the adjutant. _ ! " Playing at trains, sir," said the simple youth, " EQUALISING." A story of Mark Twain in the Bystander shows how his humour is a thing of his everyday life. "It is almost a fortnight now," he wrote, "that I am domiciled in a mediaeval villa in the country, a mile or two from Florence. I cannot speak the language; I am too old now to learn how, also too busy when I am busy, and too indolent when I am not; wherefore some will imagine that lam having a dull time of it. " But it is not so. The ' helps' are all natives : they talk Italian to me, I answer in English ; I do not understand them, they do not understand me; consequently no harm is done, and everybody is satisfied. In order to be just and fair, I throw in an Italian word J when I have one." SOUNDED GOOD. A country parson crossing the Atlantic when it was exceptionally rough got so afraid that they were all destined for a watery grave that he asked the captain if he could not have prayers. The captain took him by the arm, and led him to the forecastle, where the sailors were singing and swearing. j " There," said the captain, "as long as you hear them, swearing there is no danger." | The clergyman went back to his sympathetic | wife feeling better. _ j The storm began to increase, and with j fear in his heart ho staggered again to the j I forecastle. The sailors were speaking just , i as strongly and as heartily as before. j "Mary," said the parson, as he crawled I into his bunk. " Mary, thank goodness, they | are swearing yet !" AS HE SAID. '■ Did you ever sit down at a table where ; ! there were just thirteen?" asked a man of j I his companion in a railway carriage. . j " Once," replied the latter. ! ; "Well, you never observed that any bad j j luck followed it, did you?" I " Why, yes. Bad luck for most of the ! I thirteen." i "Any of them die".'" I " Not that I know of. Never heard of | | any of them dying." | " Not enough food to go round?'' i. "Who's talking about, food? There j wasn't any food." j " Thought you said you sat down to a | table where there were thirteen persons?" 1 i " That's what I said. The table was in ! i a lawyer's office. It was a meeting of my j creditors. There were 12 of them. I was ; j the other man." POLITENESS PAYS. j A clergyman went to the Great Central j Station, London, to meet. a. friend. Upon entering the waiting-room, and looking j around he saw an elegantly dressed woman | who apparently was about to board an out- j going train. She was carrying a multitude | of parcels, and besides had a child that, j ! with great- difficulty, she was trying to help j I along. j J The clergyman offered his assistance, ] which she accepted, afterward thanking him 1 graciously for his kindness. The train mov- j ed out of sight, and ho went back to the ' waiting-room thinking of the endless, opportunities one lias for doing good. Then I he discovered that, he* was carrying the lady's handsome silk umbrella, with pearl and gold trimmings. When he showed the umbrella to his wife and told her how lie got it she laughed and said: Politeness pays, my dear." CONSIDERATE, Bret Harte, Mr. Arthur Bourchier told the Old Playgoers the other night, was once invited to a theatre party, and was taken to a theatre whereat a dismal failure was eking out those dreadful days and nights which prelude the production of its successor. They all suffered. They went back to supper, and their hostess said : " I daresay you ate all wondering why I took you to so dull a play. Can you guess?" Someone suggested that the lady admired the manager's acting? No. she couldn't bear him on the stage or off! Another suggestion was that their host was financially interested in the management. " Not while I can help it!" said the hostess. They gave it up. "Well," she said, "my husband is very particular about his horses, and that theatre is one where carriages can. be quickly called up!" THE FIRE THAT FAILED. Unrehearsed incidents impart a 2est to amateur dramatic life. At a performance the hero of the drama produced was making his escape from a burning house. The critical moment came when the red-fire had to be lighted, but to the consternation of all it would not ignite. Some outside practical joker must have damped it. " I am choking," shrieked the hero, " the smoke is overpowering me," and, clutching wildly at his throat, he tottered about the stage. " The flames —1 feel them," he cried. But smoke and flames were alike invisible. Within the wings the other members of the company were oil their knees distractedly trying to "blow the red-lire into a blaze. Matchboxes and vesta cases were emptied of their contents. ladies were fanning with their petticoats, but all to 110 purpose — red-fire was " off." Would no one save the situation? The audience began to titter, the hero lost his head, and still rambled on the lire that no one could see, until at last some one in the gallerv relieved the tension by calling out: ° "Never mind the lire, guv'nor, get 011 with your job And straightway the actor did. He fell to the stage in a swoon, and clown came the greatest friend in such an emergency—the curtain. _______ HE WAS DUPED. At a. recent by-election in a straggling district some local footballers promised to vote for one of the candidates if a waggonette were sent Co fetch them from the football field, a distance of three miles from the polling booth. The waggonette was duly sent, and soon after the end of the match an official-looking man came up and spoke to the driver. " Waiting tot the footballers?" he asked.

" Yes, sir," responded the driver. "Here you are, then. Jump in, you fellows. Don't be all day—there's not much time," said the gentleman, and 11 mudstained individuals clambered nimbly into the waggonette. The driver drove his fastest to the town and pulled up in front of the polling booth. "Tumble out now, chaps," lie said; " this is the place where you vote." "Vote!" shouted one of the footballers, impatiently; "who wants to vo':e? Not us! If tha'. doesn't drive us to t-' railway station in time to catch ahr train, the only thing wo shall vote for will be to give thee v jolly good, hidin'!" Then, at last, the duped driver realised his miserable mistake. The official-looking man (who was really the other side's political agent) had packed him off with the members of the visiting team, while the disappointed home players trudged wearily home without voting I

' CARRIED OFF THE STATION. It was a little branch railway, but it w 111 the best they had in the neighbourhood aM If they put up with it, It so happened that •» newly-arrived resident was expecting a fowl ' -¥ house to the local ' Charin b Cross, and h chartered a dray and trundled off to theitfffl hitherto unknown station to fetch it Arrived there, he saw his purchase, loaded it on his waggon, and started for home rw the way he met a man in uniform, with t!h» word " Stationmaster" on his cap. " Er—what the merry springtime have i&M got on that dray?" he asked. "My fowlhou.se, of course," was therein $ " lowlhouse be blithered," was the iust' ? indignant response; "that's Eaton T.'m tion." ' ' nms • TWO YORKSHIRE STORIES. ' I was speaking to a friend at Halifax of » young widow who had been left £500 a vL» oil condition that she did not marry a train I said I thought it rather hard ; to which hi replied in broad Yorkshire Well, virw,. ? I doan'fc see that. If I die and my wife V married again, I doan't see why I am to k«>» t'other chap!" ™ . Mrs. Alfred Inglis had a class of bo in our Sunday-school at Halifax, and she had ® been speaking of the Garden of Eden. Her imagination ran riot on its fair scenes and its : visions of unsullied beauty. " Now • -win can tell us what spoiled Paradise?" A boy held out his hand. "Yes; what spoiled Paradise?" " Woman," replied the boy. "Oh think, my boy; what spoilt. - Paradise?"' True to his Yorkshire persistence, he i*. plied, "I says woman. —Dean Pigou. ■ ' TWO GOOD STORIES. No book 011 epitaphs, it ever one is writ would be complete without the, bon mot nf Lord Erskine to Dr. Parr, whose wit has lived a century after him. Meeting the Lord Chancellor, with whom he was friendly thdoctor said: "Erskine, I mean to wriu your epitaph when you die." "Doctor" " answered the great- lawyer, " it is almost 'a temptation to commit suicide." - Which reminds us of another story Gibbon, the historian, had a rival in a French' , physician for the favour of a society lady | and the doctor was one day annoyed by I Gibbon monopolising the lady's company I " When my Lady Elizabeth Foster is made J ill by your twaddle," said the doctor in a i loud tone, " I will cure.her." " And when my S j Lady Elizabeth Foster is dead from your prescriptions," said the historian, "I will - immortalise her." QUESTIONING THE BISHOP. The present Bishop of London, who enjoys a joke even when it is against himself, tells how, when he was Bishop oi Stepney, he once addressed a large assembly of Sunday, school children in one *f the East End ; parishes. Anxious to get in touch with his voting ■ congregation, he said, "Now is there any : ■ little boy or girl who would like to ask me - j a question'" When this offer had been repeated more | than once a little shrill voice from the centre |of the church cried out: "Please, sir, why did the angels walk up and down Jacob's I did the angels walk wings?" down Jacob's ladder when they had wings?" The bishop's presence of mind did not fail | him, as he asked again, in his most diplo- ! matic way, "Now, is there any other little S boy or girl here who would like to answer | this girl's question?" HE PAID. A youth who was about to make a journey to the North by an excursion train, approached a stranger standing on the platform and said: • " Are you going by this train?" "I am." . "Have yon any luggage?" No." ' " Well, sir, can yon do me a. favour won't cost you anything? You see, I've two big trunks, and the officials will make me pay extra foi one of them. You can get, one passed on your ticket, and it will save me money. Do you see?" " Yes, I see, but I haven't any ticket." "But I thought you were going by this train?" j "So I am; I'm the company's inspector!'* "Oh!" * j The youth paid tho usual amount. j THE VILLAGER AND THE MOTOR. ; The swagger motor-ear stood trembling and j snorting in the village street, and its occui pants Kit regarding the gaping mob of yokels j with disdainful tolerance. j At length the lordly owner of the concern emerged from the shop wherein he had been making a purchase, and resumed his seat; the crowd fell away, and the great machine began to move in stately fashion down the narrow street. At this moment, a house door opened, and ' there appeared an elderly and somewhat short-sighted dame, who brandished » large - plate, and rushed headlong in pursuit of the disappearing car. " Hi, hi, hi!" she shouted as she ran, and eventually the "hi's" had it, for tho car stopped.. " 'Ere, measter," gasped the old dame, as she came up holding out hei plate, " if it's roast taturs as you're got, Oi'll ha' a pennuth." : SHOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENTLY EXPRESSED. At a meeting of ministers the other day one of them laid great stress on the importance of considering the sort of audience one is going to address. "I once lost a ehancc to preach an effective sermon bv using the stereotyped beginning: ' I am glad to see so many of you present this morning.' S The congregation burst into a laugh. You | see they were prisoners in a State prison, and the poor fellows had to be present." ' ' j This brought forth another story from.one ! who for some years was chaplain of a penitentiary. He bad decided to remove front the town and take a charge elsewhere. "This is my last Sunday here, and I'm sorry to leave you," he told his congregation of stripes. After the sermon one of the prisoners stepped forward and shook his hand. "Timis my last Sunday here, too, parson," he said. " But I can't say as you did, that I'm so my to leave." TOO SHARP. ' A young constable, walking his best one day in a small village, met a man who hat) ■ a bulldog with him. /. Going up to him, the constable said sj ' "That's a nice dog of yours." • "Yes," replied the other. "Have you any more dogs?'" " Yes, two more," said the man. " You pay license on them all, I suppose?" " Not me. Only on this one," was the answer. Next day the man received a summons tc appeal before the local bench ot magistrates 1 for default in payment of license for two dogs. He. duly appeared, and on being asked if 1 lie owned three dogs and only paid license 1 for one, he smiled sweetly and replied: "Well, yes; and here are the two I don't, pay license on," producing at the same time • two china dogs from his coat-pockets. The constable looked surprised, and tho 1 Court laughed till the windows rattled. > - , ■ HIS PROPERTY. The manager of the Birmingham branch of a Manchester wholesale drapery firm is , very sharp on anyone who owes theni money. " V Some time ago a trader ordered a large quantity of goods from them on credit, and the manager, being anxious about the payment, called upon the customer's solicitor to inquire as to his means. "Oh, don't worry about Mr. Brown," said the solicitor. "He's all right; he's coming into some freehold property later on." The mention of " freehold property" kept the account moving for a bit, but, aftei about twelve months, the manager began, to get uneasy, and he once more called oil the man of law. ' Did you not say that Mr. Brown was. coming into some freehold property?" was asked. ' V.: "Quite true," replied the solicitor. : ■> " Do you know the value of it?" was the - next question. "No, 1 can't say that I do," was the answer. - / _ _ "But at least you can tell me where it is j situated, cau you not?" j; " Oh, yes, quite easily," was the ready reply. "It is situated in Yard ley cemetery, and is about 9 foot 6 by 6 foot 9." "