ODD STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLI, Issue 12523, 16 March 1904, Page 2 (Supplement)

ODD STORIES.

SOME AiICSfNG iMMTISEMENTS. To Furnished apartments suitable 1 V for gentleman with folding doors. . t • . Wanted/'nii organist and a boy to -blow ( the samij. ' , f tost iithtilfilrt. beiofagliig to ft gentle- ' , ' man With a befit rib., - - v . ; WaittgO, by, t'ftjfc&rttbte. girl. pdsSitge to i Cstpgtothl. : Willifig to fcike charge of two t fciiiidten Md a good sUilbr. , i ' ' Two sisters want washing, r M il., c '. To. be disposed —A Mail pbaetoii, the , property ;of < a g6iji{leman With movable • v headpiece, as, good as new. ' t " A MAM ASDERS6# SlORt. S An old Story of MiSS' Mary Anderson edifies f from America. • •' ' • y. Whila she was rehearsing the paH of , Juliet, an eminent phySidiati; art intimate t Mend., was present. , . : . s ~ The performance delighted him till towards { the conclusion of the- play, when his.eouri- a tenauefe wore ft troubled expression. When it a was over he went up to the. actress. ' t 1 ''My dear youfig lady," he said,, "ypd are ! Wrong* in one of: your effects; Don't; you 1 , know that a. corpse .doesn't stiffen lot nt £ least. six lio'iirs after death?'' ... * "My dear doctor," responded .Mary, "do { you think lam going to keep mv audience j. . waiting for sis hours while I stiffen v ■ --.v ~, v~■ . ( . HIS FIRST OFFENCE. a .. A beadle in.the west of. Scotland heated - bis church so effectually - one winter's day 1 ihat the building took lire, aid was burned * .to the ground!. - 1 "'• • . A meeting was held, and the bfiadli was 1 , tailed -and. severely admonished for the care- • kifsness which hue! almost, ruined tM cojigre ; 3 . g&tion. _ ' ' The beadle listened, for, some tints to the, severe censures passed updh him by the t minister; but at- length, losing cofltrftl of his ' temper, -he broke in -niUigiiautly. exclalhi- * i B 8 : , f '■'"Deed, sir, but yfe'fe thakifi' dii aWfii fuss r 1 about it! " It's the first Itlrk I ever buHlecl i' ma lift _ , .lusT the REVERSE: 3 . One morning .an Irishman went out reiy f > early ill Sfttreh of game on the gsthtd of a I wealthy gentlatitiui iii tile Neighbourhood, I : . Turning a sharp corner, he suddenly met the ]3 soil tit", the" off net 6! the-estate coming to- , : Words him. \ - _ i To get tleSr off Was out of the <{u£stiofi) j, - Sb, going up to the youth, lie srtld: i, .... "Good MOtflihg, Vofir hotidiifj hiid what- jj brought, ytitt blit fit fettHy this i'riovltingf' t • The l.id implied that Tie h;id just taken a I - stroll to set' if he could get oil appetite for , - big breakfasti dtid then, looking Stu=rii<>ioUsly i:IW .at the Irishman, asked why he frits (Jut so c early in the morning. .. . ' ? '•Indeed, yiiUr hohoiir, I jilst- sttollM out • : to see if I "could find ft breakfast for my • appetite." .■.-■■■ ■■, - c THE HUMOURS OF THE POST ; b OFFICE. : : . a Victor Hugo was a man of resource, but V ' on one ; occasion, at least; he Was thoroughly surprised. On*) day he got a . letter through the post simply addressed, j "To our greatest- poet.'" Before upenitig.it T fee made some inquiries. Eventually he < fotiiid that the letter iii question bad beeii h ■ first sent by the postmaster to ;Lamartine» t. who, being a courteous and modest man, 6 st .it dace, forwarded it. to Hiigi). I'M hitter. j s§| however, was Unwilling to tdiich it tittder Vi . the citcuinetilnees, and; rtftef passing the jj : letter to and fret, , back and back • ftgaiß, t they resolved >to meet together ami oped \ s \ it This ■ they , did} and found it r . began, '* Mr dear Alfred.". It' .Was for A ; neither of them, but for Alfred de Mussc-t, v ;! o 'who was a great frShd of th.e . Seildt , thfe i : fiovelist' Dnmds. •• ' ( A MIRACULOUS BEASf. , I )/ A Scottish minister) taking the tnirftcles { for the subject of his sermon, either took j exception to the translation of the word • whale, 'or preferred to display his erudition <3 A ; nppn the subject; Be that as it may (W* marks the , St. JameS' Gazette, frhieh tells t the story), he described structure of fish J "•'■•■"after, fish, all with a view to ; proving that [ its structure made the asSilhilatiofi of Joflah | impossible. '' } " Then it couldna beetl a sh&ir&>" h& 'Sreiit j, on. "The teeth of the sbaifk ■Would ha' I , ...... a . r | • ' Here an old lady iii the congregation broke e - in with " Ech, liieeiiister, wasiia the beast a 6 irhSle?" * The pastor gSSed at lief Brie ifloirifent iti | / speechlessness; .tfien he thundered: "A . - whale? a whale? ye blethering au'd dfefcyil* what do you ken abbot it?. What d'ye mean by tikis' the W6rd of Oofl dSC of fiiy iiiooth !'* "• A STORY WITH A' MORAL: { The Manchester Guardian tells a stoty with 6 ' ' ' ail obvious. moraL It is of the minister of a eertaiii church Which may be located de i .1 . -cording to the reader's liking. Id the town -) to. whose, spiritual needs he ministered there * • was a strong difference of Opinion between the members of three several denominations * ■>.:,'. &'i to their respective merits, The clergyman j. in question determined to settle the matter T cmce .and for all. One Sunday he arose to t deliver his discourse holding a fresh, green i walnut in his hand. With this he proceeded 1 to instil an object lesson. "My fnennfe,'' he f said, " this rind, which I now remove, is soft, s useless, ahd unprofitabld. It is like the ■■ - t Church. Jfbw I coiiie to the Slieit. It is 1 hard arid strortg, difficult to cfack, biit there i • • ia no taste bf fadUHfehaieiit ifl it; it is value' { less. It is like the ■ Chiii-ch" (naming * '' aiipthei- dentt *Jnatisfi). " NdW, When we are , s ; Jtid of the shell We comft to thfe kerßel. whichj j like your ott'n Chtitch, is lie broke i : the shell and to&li but the kernel. It Was \ . rotten. - '• : , ■"•• i V'.--- ■;.• ?-•-■■ — ,r- ~-rrr«nr -i.-<rrri. , " " . t A GOOD STORY OF JOHN L. tOOLI. j Sotrte years ago 1 Was sjittiHg iii the Hull ' V theatre. Toole was playing— fot'get What . _ • —the hou'Se Was in ecstasies, and I WaS • wbiidMhg Why. Suddenly a WAn, gofgebtiS" x |j ly gfttbedj iii the stage>bdk inquired of Toole « if To Mght ask him a question. Toole j » : seemed surprised, fthd exclaimed After the | £ play!" But the man persisted, wheteat the i audience fosred; " Tiirit him out 1" But Toole ] • .calmed thfeiH. "We're Efiglishifieti," he said i ' '■): t "let evttf man have his pay—that's what I ■ B?.r, all fair find square/' dddiiig to thfe Bias, . " flo on, siri" . "I wdnt»" said the interrupts, " tfl ask - four advice." , • •'',•'.;' , " Ask it," Said the adtOf. *) " Well," continued the ether, "1 had a i ■ little more money than I knew What to do ( with." : . - i : , Toole, with pricked ears, Cried, "Bad i : . - you?" . u " So,' 1 proceeded the bostottfl, *' I invested . it with the Khedive of Egypt, ahd now 1 ; can't get my : interest. What should you . •- . - , (So?" . • - o • 1 "I think." slid Toole. "I Should Sue hhi , * ■ • ] '* A RUBBER OF WHIST. . ; ! A good whist story was given to the world , ~ some years ago by Dr. Charles Mackay, thb ' hero of which was Sir John Easthope." ! " Sir John was staying," said Mackay, "at the Bains de Tivoli, in Paris, where I also happened to ba a guest. He invited me to his private room in the evening for ft rubber . ' of whist. . • ' . /' My partner was Lady Wyatville, the widow of a celebrated arcniteot. She was then over 60 years of age, sharp, active, and ' intelligent, and still showed the traces of ft - beauty which must in her youth have been remarkable. "The lady : revoked, and, being accused of it, vehemently denied the fact, and treated " the proofs of'it with haughty disdain, and > not very polite contradiction. "Sir John lost patience with her, and, abruptly rising in his chair, said—' Madame, , you are a cheat.' •" "The lady's eyes flashed with. almost preternatural fire as she also rose in her chair, . and took a step or two toward Sir John, as if she Would have inflicted summary punishment upon his face with her nails. "Sir John} still standing, said---'Yes, 'f ihadame. I repeat it 1" You cheat abominy, ably!' And, in the course of a long life,' he ' added, laying his hand upon his heart, ' I ; haye invariably found that t-ho handsomer a 1 " woman is the more she cheats at cards l' "The lady sat down; a smile suffused her - ancient but still beautifu' face, and the tigress -of. a minute before became ac gentle as a •dove i" ___________ — ■