ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLI, Issue 12514, 5 March 1904, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

- r " * 8 " ' 11 '* j i»« The worth of .a : kiss is determined by the j l ~ f face value. , who ; | not .Susie: " Papa, what makes a man always : -are vo a woman an engagement ring?" Her i Father "The woman. [IOW \ V> iyi .. lity Bobby: "Pa, did you know mamma very will we '" e^oro you married her?" Heupeck: £ uj . "No; lam afraid not." ow. Maude: " Papa has offered to pay all the ;inff expenses of our honeymoon trip. Claude: •ing " Then we'll never come back. " _____ ten " Why do they call our language the lers mot her tongue, pa?" " Because your father ; cu . never gets a chance to use it, my son." ' « e -V, Mrs. Crusty: '* Do you remember our first pj c . quarrel?" Mr. Crusty: " Let me see! Was j.j . that going into churcli or coming out?" ace ." wo,l what makes mv eyes so weak," '° 0 said an ultra-Radical to Mr. Disraeli. " Why, UK I they are in a weak place;" said the latter. jjjy Little Jennie (looking at - fat woman) : , " Well, I hope Santa Claus will come to our Ul( j house before he fills that lady's stockings." esv "I'm afraid," said the actor when a cabin hnge came.within an inch of his nose, " that j )e somebody in the audience has lost his head." t cr * » ins .Bobbles: " What does this author mean by 0 ® saying that the hero had ' well-carved' fea--0 tures?" Dobbles: " Perhaps he shaved himop' self." ' : She: " Ah, you men 1 Before marriage you pay compliments, but after He,:, uld "After Why, —we do betterwe bi9 pay bills." ' , V. in ' "Aren't you ashamed of that last masiefe' eacro?". "I don't see why I should be," answered the Sultan. "It wasn't such a very a small one." ing — ua't Algernon: "Tommy, do you think your ar, sister would marry me?" Tommy: Yes, Hi- she'd marry almost anybody, from what she icn said to ma." pic} • in The average man can nutke about 100 difthe ferent kinds of fools of himself, but when it on- comes to sheer imbecility it-requires two or ig° more women and a wedding ' ' ' iv, iod Little Effie: "Do you love me very much, lie. mamma?" Mamma (a widow): " Yes, my jar darling. Little Effie: Then why don't you ian marry the man at the sweetie shop?" es i Her Father: " What! You say you're en- , gaged to Fred? I thought I told you not to ell give him any encouragement!" His Daughhe ' ter: "I don't. He doesn't need any." ell ' e d "Are you sure you love me for myself nd alone?" asked the romantic young woman, in- "Well," replied the practical young man, »w " I don't think I love you for anyone else." to \ _•■ ' e > He (after the proposal): " But I'm afraid ! ty lam not good enough for you, darling." She: "Of course you are not. .But you are : as too good to be thrown away on any other !°> girl. st- ■ j !r( | Mother: "I am surprised at you! Couldn't ; off you tell he was going to kiss you?" Daugh- ' ed ter: " Yes; ma; but there was no one for 1 11 " me to tall, except him; and bo knew al- 1 ready." ' he ve Emily: " I've got an invito to a charity . : *i ball, but. I haven't the least idea what lam a to go in. What, would you wear, Fanny, ia ' if you had my complexion?" Fanny: "A °- thick veil." Wife: "Dear, aren't you drinking too hard?" Husband: "What put that- idea , into your head?" Wife: "Well, you know, you have been detained at the office five times n this week." es - ns Cobwigger: "Were you really-pleased of that the woman n»xt door had a new coat?" d- Mi's. Cobwigger: "Not at first, my dear; «' but I was as soon as I found out that it n wasn't real fur." er j '' ••• -- es ; Mrs. Passe: "How is the weather to-day, es | Marie?" Maid: "Fresh and windy, madam." ~ ot ! Mrs. Paso: " Veiy well; you will please put )V t a healthy flush on my cheeks this morning, id I am going out." id A bride had printed on her calling cards: "At Home Wednesday Afternoons." After six months' marriage she had added : " And every day in the week, and can't get the work done then." > . I "'And his last end is worse than his first,'" quoted the Sunday-school teacher. - "What- does this refer to, children?" "A hornet," promptly answered the freckled boy who had just joined the class. •> Mr. Jinks: "I see the' editor of the Trum : pet is having trouble with his wife. She wants a divorce." Mrs. Jinks " I don't wonder. He Was always printing articles about housework being healthful." Simkir.s: " Your wife strikes me as being a very thoughtful woman." Timkins: " And she is. Why, yoli couldn't imagine half the things, she thinks if I happen to be detained at the office till after midnight." From Greenwich comes a statement which, says the Globe, strikes at the very root of domesticity. A woman was asked if a certain man was any relation of hers. "No," she replied unhesitatingly, "he is my hus- ' band." * I "How far is it to the next town, my friend?" "'Bout fifty acres—or better." \ "I. mean—how. many miles?" "Well, hit mout bo two, .or hit mout be six." " You're I a,big fool!" "I know it; but— or ter .0 seen my daddy!" : , ' . « Next time you shiver at having a tooth ~" pulled, think of Joseph Brooks, of Colorado,. He lay still and let a bear gnaw his arm feoff, and thereby saved the rest of his body. I|j Come to read the paragraph again, it was a P wooden arm; but Joseph was not to blame ifi " _ for that. - i Wife: "Come in, dear. Your supper's m t ' ready, your slippers are just where you can K find them easily, and your pipe and tobacco P 1 are. on the writing desk, handy for you." ft 1 "All. right,SMolly," groaned the tired, sus- B f picious husband; "you can get that new j|! bonnet to-morrow." , fe I ■ —- ' i