ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XL, Issue 12272, 16 May 1903, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

All men may be born equal, but they don't stay that way long. We all live and learn; but some of us live a whole lot more, than we learn. The higher opinion we have of ourselves the less we should say about it. The man who is willing to meet trouble half-way seldom has to go that far to meet it. Life has been likened to a river; but, unlike a river, life doesn't gain in depth by being made narrow. Bootblack: "Polish your boots, sir?" Swell: "No, confound you." Bootblack: "Polish your manners, sir?" She: "A:clock is different from a man." He: "In what respect?" She: "When it strikes■ it :keeps on working." Husband-:. "I'm going to the club. You needn't trouble to sit up for me." • Wife: " Oh, it will be a pleasure, I assure you." Perhaps the reason we tire so prone to find fault with our neighbours is that it helps us to forget our own shortcomings. "I admit horse-racing is exciting, provided you can afford it." "Yes; but it is twice as exciting when you can't." Encouraging.—: "He married the girl I was engaged to." Arthur: " Well, don't worry. You'll get over it before he does." "Isn't that mere idle gossip?". "Gos- ! sip* my dear," answered Miss Cayenne, "is never idle. It is the most industrious thing on earth." i , [ Mrs. McCail: "My! It's bitter cold this morning!" Hostess: It must be. I . notice you're wearing your old coat over your stylish new winter gown." Clara: " Don't you love to hear me, sing, Clarence?" Clarence: " Honestly Clara, I'd rather hear cook sing; for then I know she is in a good humour." " You say there's a man at the door wishes to see me. Does he look like a gentleman?" "Well, not exactly like a gentleman, sir; just something like yourself." Spirit: " Don't I hear the sound of hammers? I thought there was to be no work up here?" St. Peter: "Well, we couldn't help it. That last skyscraper went through the floor." He: "I'm looking fo. my slippers, dear. Is there any place where you're sure you didn't put them?" She: ""What do you mean?" He: "I want to look there for them first." When a woman finds that a man is trying to forget hex in drink, .she believes his love is sincere but when he tries to forget her in tagging around with other women,, that proves he is a false wretch. Lawyei : "And where was the man stabbed Physician: "The man was stabbed about an inch and a-half to the left of the medial line and about an inch above the umbilicus." Lawyer: "Oh, yes, I see; but I thought it was somewhere near the Town Hall."

' "I tell von, golf is going to be the salvation of the nation. It is going to make athletic men and women of our puny children, and lengthen our yews by decades." "But our ancestors didn't go in for golf." "And wuere are they now? Dead! All dead 1"

"And rou're really a lord?" said the maiden. " "Of course. Do you think I'm an impostor?" "No; oh, no; but papa says one can't be too cautious these days. Would you mind bringing me one of thoss abstracts of title I hear so much about before I give you my answer?"-