ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXIX, Issue 11986, 7 June 1902, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

" And so they have made up their quarrel?"' "Oh, yes! As soon as she saw she was wrong she concluded to accept his apology." " To speak the French tongue isn't hard. Most any bright man ■ can command it." "The trouble," said he, " that I lincl is in making the French understand it." "Yea don't tell me Mrs. Brady is to be married ag'in!" " Yis; !t's thrue. Ui knowed yez 'd- be surproised at her." "Faith, 'tis not at her Oi'in surproised." The Count: " Eet ees all over! lam rejected!" The Baron: " Est-ce possible? Does she doubt your lofe? The Count: " Parbleu ! She even doubts my title!" Teacher : " Can you mention .some great man who had an impediment in his speech?" Little Willy: " Please, ma'am, GeorgeWashington did. He couldn't tell a lie !" " I tell you he vos der best trader I efer saw." "Is dot so?" " Dots righd. I nefer saw a man vot can look so astonished ven anybody tries to sell anvdings to him at a brofit !" Mark Twain has added two new maxims to the world's already valuable collection. They are as follows : "We ought never to do wrong when people are looking," and "No real gentleman will tell the naked truth in the presence of ladies." " Don't you think that modem actors are more repressed in their methods than the old-timers were?" asked She old friend. " Yes," answered Mr. Stormington Barnes, " scenery has become so elaborate and expensive that we have to carry ourselves with more caution iu order not to damage it." ° Mis. Church : " And you say your husband wrote those verses to you before you married him?" Mrs. Gotham: "Yes; and there's a lot more of them." Mrs. Church : " I am surprised that you could have married a man who wrote such sickening poetry!" Mrs. Gotham: " I believed it was the only way I could stop him." The man came nearer and whispered. " Your wife," he said, "has just been arrested for shoplifting." "Outrageous!" exclaimed the citizen. " She's undoubtedly a kleptomaniac! Why, I'm worth a million if I'm worth a penny!" But imagine his chagrin upon discovering later that his wife had not been arrested at all—that the man was an assessor of income tax and his story a ruse. Many good stories have grown up round the name of Dr. Talmage. One of the besthas just been revived. The famous preacher had ranged to preach in a church in .«, large English town. On arriving at the building he found it surrounded by a crowd numbering several thousands, and he was much surprised to see on entering the.church that the seats were only fairly full. He asked the pastor why all the vast crowd had been excluded. "Oh, was the reply, "each person inside has paid four shillings to get in." And Dr. Talmage had intended to preach on the text, " Without money and without price." , A correspondent of the Spectator tells how a young man came to confess to au Irish priest in London, whose experiences of the humours of his fellow-countrymen would fill a book. "Well, my man," said the priest, "and how do you earn your living?" "I'm an acrowbat, your riverence." The priest was nonplussed. "I'll show ye what I mane in a brace 01 shakes," said the penitent, and in a moment was turning himself inside out in the most approved acrobatic fashion m and out of the pews. Au old woman who had followed him to confession looked on horrified, " When it comes to my | turn, father," she gasped, " for the love of God don t put a penance on me like that; it ua be the death of me!"