ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXIX, Issue 11872, 25 January 1902, Page 5 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

He:' "Is she good-looking?" She: "No but she will be when her father dies. She's, an heiress."

The most pleasant prospect from the top of a high mountain is to look back and sea, the ragged way we have come.

If girls were as fastidious in the selection,' of a husband as they are in the selection: of a new hat there would be less matrimonial trouble. . i- -. : ; - :

Stonebroke: "Do you think your father." wbuld object to my marrying you?" Heiress: " I don't know. If he's anything, like me he would." ••

He: "Are you still living at the same; address in town, Mrs. Jones?" . She: "Yes;.-' but since I became a widow I've been looking for another fiat." ~ ,

"My wife can tell what time it is in th» middle of the-night when it is pitch dark.'' "How does she. do it?" " She makes m? get up and look at the clock." •

Major Pickwick: " I say, Hawkins, what do you think of that cigar I gave you?", Hawkins (weakly).; " I don't want to think! of it at all; I'm trying to forget it."

"Well, what do you think of : it, Laura? - Charlie Smith has proposed to me."' " H'ml I thought so. When I refused him "ha threatened he. would do himself an injury. • •

. " Has the giraffe been ill long?" asked the veterinary surgeon as he entered the park enclosure. " Yes," replied the keeper, " I should say it was rather long. It was a sore throat." *■ -V

" Now, Johnny, do you understand thoroughly why I am going to whip you?" ■ " Yes, pa. You're in a r bad temper this / . mo ruin', and you've got to hit someone be*! fore you feel .satisfied.'/ . " *

Lady: " Where is your son to-day, Mrs, Murphy? I hope he isn't ill." Mrs.' Murphy : " Sure, Mike's to be married to-morry,, ma'am, an' he's gone to bed to-day whoilfl . Oi washes his troosow for him." . ...'j • ?

Hostess: "Please don't leave. off, MisV Jessop.'' Miss J. (at the piano): "But shan't I bore you? It is possible to have too much of a good thing,' you know. "Hostess: "Yes; but that doesnt apply to your playing!"

Young Lady: "I do think- you are clever, aunt, to be able to argue with the doctor about sociology!" Aunt: " I've only been concealing my ignorance, dear." Dr. Bilks (gallantly): " Oh, no, Miss Knowles. : Quite the contrary!"

Sunday-school Teacher: " Now,' Tommy,; what can you tell me - about the wise virgins .and the foolish virgins?" ' Tommy:! " The foolish virgins went out on their wheels after dark without any oil in their lamps, and got run in."

Priscilla: "Jack is the oddest fellow. He took me driving yesterday, and when we , were seven " miles from : home he said if I v wouldn't promise to marry him he'd make me get out and walk back." Penelope:] " Did you walk back?" Priscilla: " No, indeed but the horse did'" We are told on good authority that the Irish caddie does not take so keen an interest in golf as his brethren north of the Tweed. A lady golfer, wishing to know what was'considered a good score by local I players, asked her caddie " what they got round in," and got the rather unsatisfactory answer that " they tries to go round in as few as possible, ma'am, but they.most*., ly takes more." From the slate of New Jersey comes the latest snake story. A Mr. Walter E. Hedt ier married in 1895 Miss Evelyn Stansfield r - t a snake-charmer in Barnum and Bailey's circus. Not satisfied with the fascination of Mr. Hedler, the lady continued her snakecharming— to keep her hand in., Mr. Hedler, ; from time to time, ■ found • cobras in his boots and rattlers' in his pockets, and it preyed on! . his mind. At last, one cold winter's night, Mrs. Hedler took her. snakes to bed witb her; and from the sworn evidence of. her faithful spouse the Laocoon was, comparatively and figuratively speaking, a mere flea-' bite to it. He is now suing for divorce, on'- ;. : the score' of -