ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXVIII, Issue 11825, 30 November 1901, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

It is very annoying that fortune -will not call by appointment. .. '

Hewitt: " I don't see you with that pretty girl so often as I used to." Pewett: " No, I'm married to her now.'' »

As long as you are the hero of your own stories an unreasonable, suspicious world will probably doubt their accuracy.

When a man is very anxious to explain that his conduct is beyond suspicion denend on it he is a little suspicious of himself.

It has been said that to be perfectly happy we must have something to do. something to love, and something to hope for.

A chiropodist advertising .in one of our city papers lays considerable stress on the claim that he has " removed corns from several of the crowned heads of Europe." -

Minister : " How's that, Jackson, you say you are glad when Sunday comes' round, and yet I never see you inside the church?" Jackson: "No, but the old woman goes, sir!"

An Avenue of Escape.—"l'm thinking seriously of resuming business." " I thought you had retired permanently." " I thought so too, but J need some excuse for not 'attending my wife's afternoon teas." Sis: " What are you going to give little sister for a birthday present?" Johnny: "Well, I'm thinking of getting dad to give me the money to buy her a nice new football, so's I can teach her how to play for nothing." Farmer Haystack (who has discovered Mose Mokeby in bis chicken coop): " Why in tarnation dew yew niggers persist in stealin'hens?" Mose Mokeby: "Well, sah, as we has de repertation, we might jus' as well live up ter it." Father: "My son, this is a disgraceful state of affairs. The report says you are the last boy in a class of twenty-four." Henry: " Yes; but it might have" been worse, father." Father: I can't see how." Henry: There might have been more boys in the class." "And now, my dears," chirped the fair Sunday-schoolteacher, " wove just read the story about wicked Cain, who killed his brother Abel. Can any of you tell me which of the Commandments he "broke?" Silence reigned supreme, but at last, as the teacher neared the bottom of the class, a dirty paw was thrown out. "Ah, Jimmy Wilson.' said the teacher, " I thought you'd be able to tell us. Well, which was it?" " Please, miss,'' said Jimmy, with a giggle, " there weren't no kermandments in them days."

Some stories of " lan Maclaren" appear in the People's Friend. One has to do with his trip to the Holy Land. As he was Hearing the centre of historic Palestine he met an. American who was inking all haste to get away. After a few greetings, such as two English-speaking men meeting in a foreign country might exchange, the American asked Dr. Watson where he was going. "To Jerusalem," was the reply. "Jerusalem!" exclaimed the American," in tones of unfeigned disgust. "You don't want to go there! I've just come away. It's a slowtown. Why, there isn't a daily newspaper in the whole place!"