ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXVII, Issue 11544, 1 December 1900, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Mrs. Jack : " Time and tide wait for no ! man." Jack : " Quite right, but everything has to wait for the women." Artist (to villager): " What a pretty cot- j tage! May I paint it?" Villager: " Lor'l no! It's only just been whitewashed P' i Friend : " I don't see how you can afford to sell bicycles at such a price." Slimspoke : " I make my profit on the repairs." Friend : " Does your town boast of a football team?" Suburbanite: "No, we used to boast of one, but we have to apologise for it cow." Polar Explorer: "What shall I call my new book? ' A Dash for the Pole?' " Publisher : " No. Call it ' A Dash for the Lecture Platform.'" Uncle Bob: "I suppose you got lots of nice Christmas presents, Jimmy?" Little Jimmy: " No, I didn't get nothin' but a lot of useful things." It isn't so much a " tendency to urban life" that moves men townward as it is the tendency to get away from the kind of work that induces perspiration. A Proposal of Marriage.He : "Do you think you could learn to love me?" She: " Possibly; but I scarcely think I could learn to live on your salary." "I have great hopes of marrying Miss Friebie," said Mr. Dolley. *' Has she given you any encouragement?" asked Mr. Hunker. "Yes." "What?" " She has refused me." "Money," said the philosophic person, "does not always bring happiness." "No," answered the matter-of-fact friend. " Hut the lack of it invariably brings discomfort." Something Wrong.Jimmy : " You'd better be good, or Santa Olaus won't bring you anything for Chris'mas." Billy: Yes ; but if I am good pa and ma '11 begin givin' me medicine." Papa: " Don't you think mamma will be angry if you break those Christmas toys?" Johnny: Well—er— she is, you just say that maybe it kept me out of worse mischief, will you, papa?" " The fact is," said the fat man, " I married because I was lonely as much as for any other reason. To put it tersely, I married for sympathy." " Well," said the lean man, "you have mine." Mistress: " Why, Mary, voti have dated your letter a week ahead." Maid: " Yis'm ; it will take over a week for it to get to me mother, and she wouldn't care to be reading old news even from me." Photographer: "Great Scott! man, try and look hapnv and cheerful." Customer: " I daren't. This photograph is for my wife, •who is away on a visit. She would come back to-morrow if I looked happy and cheerful." Two burly bricklayers were fighting furiously. At last one got the other down on the ground, and! began jumping on his chest. "Here, Bill," gasped the man on the ground, "that ain't fair. This is nothin' but a fight —it ain't football!" District Visitor: "Well, Mrs. O'Flaherty, I hope vour daughter ha? a good place." Mrs. O'Flaherty : i " Oh. it's a mightv foine place, entirely! Sure. Bridget says that her mistress is so rich that all her flannel petticoats is made of silk!" Mistress: "Do you think that young Policeman Keegan, who calls here so often, means business, Norah?" The Cook (blushing; : " I think he do, mum. He's begun to f complain about mv cooking already." Mrs. Jones : " The Robinsons are highly elated because their baby weighs ten pourds and ours only eight." Jones: Wait till they have to walk the floor all night with it, and they will want to swap with us." A: "He has more nerve than any man I ever met." B: "In what way?" A: "Why, he went over to his neighbour's to borrow a gun. Said he wanted to shoot a cat." B: Where does any nerve come in?" A "It was his neighbour's cat he wanted to shoot." A soldier— son of a village clergyman in West Kentin a letter from the seat of war, makes the following significant request:—"Please send me a box of cigarettes, but label the parcel religious tracts, and then I shall be certain to receive them. I don't know whether you have already forwarded any. I have not received! them. If you direct the box as above, it will reach me all right."-