MARK TWAIN'S SUBSTITUTE.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXVII, Issue 11538, 24 November 1900, Page 1 (Supplement)

MARK TWAIN'S SUBSTITUTE.

A TEMPERANCE QUESTION. Mark Twain is a good talker, and invariably prepares himself, though he skilfully hides his preparation by his method of delivery, which denotes that he is getting his ideas and phrases as he proceeds. He is an accomplished artist in this way. His peculiar mode of expression always seems contagious with an audience, and a laugh would follow the most sober remark. It is a singular fact that an audience will be in a laughing mood when they first entei the lectureroom; they are ready to burst out at anything and everything. In the .town of Colchester, Conn., there was a good illustration of this, the Hon. Demsham Hornet having a most unpleasant experience at the expense of Mark Twain. Mr. Clemens was advertised to lecture in the town of Colchestei, but for some reason failed to arrive. In the emergency the lecture committee decided to employ Mr. Hornet to deliver his celebrated lecture on temperance; but so late in the day was this arrangoment made that no bills announcing it could be circulated, and the audience assembled, expecting to hear Mark Twain. No one ir the town knew Mr. Clemens, or had ever heard him lecture, but they entertained the idea that he was funny, and went to the lecture prepared to laugh. Even those upon the platform, excepting the chairman, did not know Mi. Hornet from Mark Twain; and so, when his name was introduced, thought nothing of the name, as they knew Mark Twain was a pen-name, and supposed his real name was Hornet. Mr. Hornet bowed politely, looked about him, and remarked: "Intemperance is the curse of the country." The audience burst into a meiTV laugh. He knew it could not be at his remark, and thought his clothes must be awry ; and he asked the chairman, in a whisper, if be was all right, and received " yes" for an answer. Then he said : ''Rum slavs more than disease!" Another, but louder laugh followed. He could not understand it, but proceeded: "It breaks up happy homes !" Still loud mirth. "It is carrying 'young men down to death and hell!" then came a perfect roar of applause. Mr. Hornet began to get excited. He thought they were poking fun at him, but he went on: "We must crush the serpent !" A tremendous howl of laughter. Then men on the platform, except the chairman, squirmed as they laughed. Then Hoinet got mad. " What I say is gospel truth," he cried. The audience fairly bellowed with mirth. Hornet turned to a man on the stage, and said : "Do you see anything ridiculous in my remarks or behaviour?" 'Yes; ha! ha! Go on!" replied the roaring man. " This is an insult," cried Hornet, wildly dancing about. More laughter, and cries of " Go on, Twain."

Then the chairman began to see through a glass darkiy, and arose and quelled the merriment, and explained the situation; and the men on the stage suddenly ceased laughing, and the folks in the audience looked sheepish, and they quit laughing, too; and then the excited Mr. Hornet, being thoroughly mad, told them he had never before got into a town so entirely populated with asses and idiots, and having said that, he left the hall in disgust, followed by the audience in deep gloom.