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ODDS AND ENDS.

" Will you love me when I'm old, George?' f " Not if you look like your mother." || | j "Do you really think you love my daugh-1 I ter as a husband should?" "Love her! 1 Why, I would give up my bicycle for her." 5| j Magistrate: " Your wife is on the way to t ' bail you out." Prisoner (imploringly): | " F'r Heaven's sake, jedge, send me to gaol!" 1 " I She: "This is the 'anniversary of our j wedding. We ought to observe the day in ® s some way." He: "Suppose we send oat i for some sackcloth and ashes?" Artist: " How do you like your portrait?" ?' I Customer: "Very well, but, to tell the I truth, I don't like the nose." Artist: "Oh, ; I don like it either, but it's your nose j It is true that "men must work whileaS j women weep;" but if women did not weep • for so many things they don't need, men ' wouldn t have to work for so many things & ) they can't afford. ; Passer-by: "I thought you were blind?" I Mendicant: "Well, mister, times is so t. j hard, nd competition is so great, that even® i a. blind man has to keep his eyes open if.® I he wants to do any business at all." 4k, ?. e: -? 11 me, my sweet, are you super* stitious; She: "What a strange question.' Why do you want to know?" He' Answer me first," She: "Why, I ami: not in the least superstitious." He: "Then® j I don't, mind telling you— are my thir- " 1 teenth sweetheart." - I "Ah, dearest Irma, what ecstasy lies in S; this sweet passion of love, which makes the'sif heart flutter an the pulse beat faster." Irma (recent graduate of a medical school, 1$ seizing his hand): "Ha, villain 1 You are deceiving me! Your pulse is quite normal- S j only seventy-two. Begone!" S " % Husband (meekly): "This is the fourth J5 time this week we've had tinned beef anlif. cabbage, Maria, and I'm a little tired of v. it. His Wife: "I'm sure, Thomas, vou're very unreasonable. You know I've had to':! correct the proof-sheets of my new book, 1 ;"! I One Hundred Dainty Dinners.'" A good story, printed in the September | Golfers Magazine, is of a golf match be-!® tween the Rev. Dr. Sterret and Justice Harlan, of the United States Supreme Court.®; The doctor had his ball teed up in tempting style for a fine brassey shot. He naturally was elated, but, summoning up all his resolution, he looked calmly indifferent, and a. with the utmost deliberation, went through Vi' the preliminary " waggles," and, with a su- vv" preme effort, missed the ball. For fully a , minute he gazed at the tantalising sphere-ij?' , without uttering a word. At length Justice Harlan remarked solemnly: " Doctor, that ; ■ was the most profane silence I ever listened to." Are women more subject to sea-sickness A?, j than men.'" An Atlantic captain replies: ,7: ; Yes but, on the other hand, they stand it better. A woman struggles up to the Y point of despair against the impropriety of the thing. She Sghts against it to the last,' .:; and keeps up appearances as long as she can K , hold up her head. Then she becomes maud- ■ lin and pathetic. She takes to her room, • and invariably asks three questions. First, V:; i whether people die of sea-sickness then, <\| how many miles we are from shore; and, ' : i; lastly, when we shall get there? She also often asks how deep the water is, and if I'-; i think it possible for anyone to go seven : days without any food." 'iff There was recently a delightful skit in || the Washington Star, representing what ".'3 might possibly bo the view of a Filipino dt/'jp South Sea native on the process of civilisa- >5 tion. "As I understand it," said the.>|S heathen, "you propose to civilise me." f| "Exactly so." "You mean to get me oaljg of the habits of idleness, and teach me toV& work." "That is the idea." "And then.M lead me to simplify my methods and invent : things to make my work lighter." " Yes. 1 " " And next I will become ambitious to gefs?j rich, so that I won't have to work at all?";!®! "Naturally." "Well, what's the use of vtaking such a roundabout way of getting just wher* I started? I don't have to work < now." gjp

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Permanent link to this item

https://paperspast.natlib.govt.nz/newspapers/NZH18991021.2.56.36

Bibliographic details

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXVI, Issue 11200, 21 October 1899, Page 6 (Supplement)

Word Count
735

ODDS AND ENDS. New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXVI, Issue 11200, 21 October 1899, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS. New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXVI, Issue 11200, 21 October 1899, Page 6 (Supplement)