ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXIV, Issue 10425, 24 April 1897, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Wire': John, did you miss me the night I was away?" Husband: "No. I went to a lecture." fS

"And now they say that genius is af?f disease." "Don't let that scare you; yon ij; look perfectly healthy." \j, A shoemaker had this card in his window! , ■ "Any respectable man, woman, or child if can have a fit in this shop." ~ You must be a very clever musician to Ml ';i able to " blow your own trumpet" so as M % make the notes agreeable for others to hear, i|§ Mrs. Faste: "Do you like to see women riding bicycles, Alfred?" Mr. • Faste: " Yes, I like to see 'em very well; I think ~0 they look perfectly disgraceful." , §-| The Husband (during the t quarrel): -H " You're always making bargains. Wu V; there ever a time when you didn't!" The.;].; Wife: " Yes, sir; on my wedding-day." .-At Friend: " I suppose the baby is very much attached to his papa?" Mamma: "Extremely. He won't led anyone elM.i;jj| walk about the room with him at night." ';.gj "Do you think Julia will accept th» ,< offer of her foreign lover?" "No; her-fji father says when they go abroad they may v get something cheaper and just as good." • " You love another, Jack." " How can .v'_ you talk that way, dearest? I've kissedf| you thirty times in the last two minutes."' But if you loved me you wouldn't keep| V,; count." yfl*'.

" How shall I enter the money the cashier %' bolted with?" asked the bookkeeper;^,"under profit or loss?" Banker: "No:; V;■;■ I suppose you put it under running e*vi'; penses," Yijf' "Patient: "Doctor, I don't thinklca#.g> use the battery any more. Will it be necessary to shock me again?" Doctor: " Only once more. I'll send in my bill to- < 4 morrow." 4 Mr. Gabber: "Where's Mrs. Gabber!" Servant: " Somebody told her an import.mli, * secret this morning and she has been oats" y day going from house to house visiting hit friends." ' . s g§' Tommy: "Pa?' Mr. Ham: "Well, Tommy." Tommy: " Pa, is the Bibll j; called the good book because nobody r»di..f|y it, or does nobody read it because it's called -yl the good book ; Fascinating Widow: "And what are yo« fes; doing nowadays Gentleman: " l OMfj|| amusing myself looking out for Number One. And you 2" She: " Looking out for |||| Number Two." . Proprietor: "Go tell that man who just"- < came in to shut the door. I hate such cars- ' ? lessness 1" Clerk: "That wasn't carelessness on his part, sir; it was precaution. .gp He's a book agent." _ ' ipX; " Yes, optimist! look more cheerful; bo»i as customers, I prefer pessimists." " Why, Mr. Cutandslash ?" " Well, optimiets, -'|Ug. rule, will take their wives to the theatfl instead of paying their tailor bills." 'rsi|g " What I want," said the lawyer, "is to prove that my client is mentally deficient. ggS"Certainly,"replied the expert "Then won't be the least trouble in showing that,_ ; • so long as he has employed you as ■* -Jj, lawyer." . &>s|f A boy at a crossing begging something o. a gentleman, the latter told him that ™js|| would give him something as he came back- " Your honor," replied the boy, " you would be surprised if you knew how much money I lose by giving credit that way." • • j George: " The most wonderful organ *,gip ever saw was the property of a gentleman. It had nearly a hundred £gg stops." Richard: "The most wonderf*.gs|j organ I ever saw was the property of» widow. It was her tongue; and it had D Ws|p stops at all." 'VaK A certain wag, who had just completed ».•>/; journey of six miles on a suburban railway in the exceedingly short space °' quarters of an hour, posted the following notice up in the carriage " Passengers would oblige the guard by not getting onl;lj| to pluck flowers while the train is : motion." ■ ' a