LOCAL GOSSIP.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXIV, Issue 10413, 10 April 1897, Page 1 (Supplement)

LOCAL GOSSIP.

"let Bβ haTe audimce lor & wnrrt or two." — Sliakcipcri. JgE City Council, will have to pay that little bill tendered by Mr. John King, Returning Officer, on account of the election for the licensing committee. The general recommendation in such cases ia that they should " pay and look pleasant," hut I do not know that there is any obligation to do the latter on this occasion. The election was utterly unnecessary; the licensing committees are a farce. But there's the bill. It is part of a system now of our Government and Parliament to appoint officers to certain duties, and to make it law that they should send in their bill to tho local bodies. That is a nice convenient method of procedure, and materially aids in the manufacture of a surplus. Tho appointments are kept in the hands of the Government, so that in the subordinate employments there shall be no infraction of the rule as to "colour." No Government Boney must go out of the family.

Ihe practice of having military tnon at the doors of shops might be largely extended, and would make a conspicuous addition to tho picturesqueness of Queenstreet. I see one citizen who hus the hardihood to adhere in his everyday costume to the " garb of old Gaul," otherwise, the kilt and philabeg. Is thore no shopkeeper with spirit enough to throw all bis competitors into the shade by turning out a fully dressed Highlander as an ornament to the pavement? Why should Wβ bo confined to tho comparatively sombre uniform of a staff officer? I commend this suggestion to Mr. John McLachlun, on the Other side of the way. Then again we have always had in this district a surplus of old military men. Here is a way in which they could be utilised.

After a careful perusal of the resolutions passed at Uie National Council of Women, I have come to 0110 conclusion for ;i certainty, and that is, that these women, who claim to be representative of the sex in the colony, are unanimously of opinion that " marriage ia a failure" There is no question of it in their niind. They want to amend it in so many ways thab under their hands it would be something fundamentally different from what it is. We hava in Auckland a Society for the Protection of Women and Children. Considering everything, and especially certain cases in tho police courts, 1 am Eeriously meditating whether I shoald not endeavour to found u society for the protection of married men. I recognise thf.t I would have to create a public opinion to sympathise with men who are beaten by their wives. Even men have so little sympathy with a fellowhusband in the circumstances that they are inclined to laujrh at the unfortunate who brings such a case into court. They say that when a wife strikes her husband, or throws anything at him, he should simply make a fight of it. ]f he cannot get the best of the struggle then he is not fit to be the husband of that wife, and had bettor clear away. What would our forefathers have thought if thoy could have foreseen that their degenerate descendants of 1597 had to appeal to the police magistrate to save them from being beaten by their wives.

All playgoers must be grateful to Mr. Risjnold tor the excellent company he has brought! to Auckland, and for tho splendid way in which he has put the plays on the stage. But " Tommy Atkins" is somewhat too gory for my taste. Ido not like to see bo many people murdered and shot) in the course of two hours as would fill a respectable eemotery. There is no etint of gunpowder. There is more of that article shot away in the last act of " Tommy Atkins" than would make a successful defence of the port "A Auckland from a hostile cruiser.

There is great growling over the raisinp of the telephone charges, and I don't wonder at it. The plea of the department is, that we Lave hitherto been having our telephonic communication too cheap, Bug then the department should have looked at the whole matter before setting up the old scale. People have got accustomed to have a telephone, which thoy never would have indulged in if they hud not been tempted by the old cheapness. It looks like the dodge of the Yankee cloekmaker, as told by Sam Slick.

The New Zealand Times, I see, is to be sold to a new company, with the proviso that for five years it is to be conducted on Liberal principles. la not this somewhat vague? Surely in this colony, with universal suffrage, the uriversalness including the women, we are al. Liberals, according to any reckoning. A mere name liko thiit can mean nothing. It calls itself " the Premier paper of New Zealand," which everybody at once recognised was " the Premier's paper of New Zealand." Bettor, to be eafe, make the condition that for live years Mr. Seddon and Mr. McKenzie ehall bavo the dictation of the policy.

At the recent meeting of the Women's Convention, at Christchurch, one of the prominent dogmas was " Equal pay for equal service," and a fair field and no favour. This is very well illustrated in an application recently made by the Women's Franchise League to the Otago Harbour Board, for a reduction of £7 10s of the amount charged for the use of the steamer Planet for their excursion. The trip had eventuated in a loss, owing to bad weather. One unregenorato member (Mr. Kobin) said "the request was worth taking into consideration, for if the League had made a great deal of rconey out of the picnic they would probably have given the Board £15 instead of £10. He moved that the application be declined, and the motion was lurried. No doubt the ladies now regard it « a case of Bobin !

The women ab the Convention appear to nave cackled over the resolution about the "economic independence" of women with as much zeal and delight as a featherod feminine biped over her oviparous product. lustead of being something new the do{;ma of the " economic independence" of women is as old as the hills, and in place of being the culmination of 19th century civilisation is a harking back and a retrogression to the social state of things in ancient Rome, and a revival of Pagan ideas regarding marriage. Mr. Lecky s»yein bis "History of European Morals":— With the exception of her dowry, which passed into the hands of her husband, she (the wife) held her property in her own right j ahe inherited her share of the wealth pf her father, and she retained it altogether independent of her husband. A very considerable portion of Eoinan wealth passed into the uncontrolled possession of women. The private man of business of the wife was & favourite character with the comediaus, tyranny exercised by rich wives over their kujbands— to whom, it is said, they lent money at high interest—a continued theme ef satirists. A complete revolution had thus .DMsed over the family.

How true ib is that " there is nothing new under the sun!" Bub the Roman system was the beginning of a great decadence in Morals. May we anticipate a like result 1

u In a case in the Rotorun S.M. Court recently, a witness said that when he called .on the defendant for a settlemencof accouut ; thedefendant "told witness to go to hell,so he came to the Courthouse." The late Mr. Barstow, R.M., had well nigh a similar experience to that of the Rotorua magistrate. He was coming out of the Police Court one fay at noon, when a seaman accosted him about a dispute he had had with a lumper on ■ ', one of the eteamere, and he wanted to lay ; , in information or take out a gammons. Mr. • ' Barstow said," I'm going to the Northern . Club to lunch, and have not much time to •pare. State your affair, my man, as briefly as possible." " Well," said the tar, '"I was working on the steamer with Mother fellow, when some dispute arose. ' One word led to another, and at last the other fellow said, 'Go to the devil, , so I [dm to you Wonbip." Mr. Buitojr

was an inveterate joker and humourist, and he laughed consumedly at the mini's naivete and the drollery of thi situation.

I have been in the S.M. Court when Sunday trading and over hours' licensing were being heard, and ib was a wonder to me that, as regards some of tho evidence, the effect was nob to make the plaster fall from the roof of the Courthouse. -Something like that nearly occurred the other day in connection with a case in which several witnesses were going to benr a hand. Just before the case came off a portion of the roof began to bulge, and the police in Court looked up apprehensively at the ceiling. Even Mr. Cotter felt that something must give, and hastily changed his seat. And yet, strange to say, Ananias wasn't in it that time. The other day the sharebrokers on 'Chaugo were discussing, for want of something better to do, the subject of " Liars" to which they had transferred their attention, and thoy came to throe conclusions on this deeply interesting question, that liars might be divided into three classes: First, there were tho ordinary liars ; second, tho extraordinary liars; and thirdly, the liars par excellence, mining liars. Tho ardent fisher's utmost offorts, when telling about tho fish he has caught, is not in it witli the mining man. A gentleman who has recently been appointed to the management of a large business in this city, on being introduced to a number of the firing customers this week, said it was the usual thing for a new hand to pay his footing by inviting them to an hotel to flrink. As that was against his principles, ho would donate tho money, £1, towards the McQuoid relief fund, Onehunga. This was duly done. Strange to say, the customers folt refreshed aD tha incident. The police " recruits" are having a good time in the country districts jusD now, and are up to tho neck in liquor, boing generally 100-bottle rather than three-bottle men, and have bsen carrying their liquor to the station without a jug—any in a cask. The Kawhiaians thought they were spielers owing to the free way in which they "shouted." So they were, in a way, for they " took down".somo of the residents, and were disguised—but not " digitised in liquor." Inspector Hickson will have his little joke. Whoa the police went to Kawhia, he thought it was in accordance with the eternal fitness of things, that the Tap(p) should be greatly in evidence, Tho most amusing incident of all was that the constable ac Raglan had been watching them as " undesirable immigrants," and tho New Plymouth Inspector of Police, who attended the Kuwhi.i races, had been keeping his " heagle heye" on them.

They havo got a Sharp parson now ab Franklin Road. At hi* reception, tho othor evening (tho people there have a great horror of read sermons or thoso delivered from notes), he said ho had como to preach "extrumpery," a-: the Staffordshire woman said. Unlike her tospot, also, which caused the tea to overflow the cup and saucer, and spoil the tablecloth, he had not "a bad delivery." ilo had not come to Franklin Road as a moral policeman, to "run the young pooplo in," but as their guide, philospher, and trieml. Then ho recounted a story as to how some people treated youngsters. A boy came home, who had misbehaved himself. His mother said, " I'll tell your father, and when ho comes hoi.io at night, ho will take a stick and give you the biggest lickin' you ever got in your born days, I promise you." Tho boy endeavoured to minimise coining tronble, and crept under tho house as far as he could. The mother kept her word, and the father got a "tick and went for the boy to fulfil her promise. When tho " old man" got us far under tho house as he could, ho saw a pair of twinkling eyes in the darknes?, and then in a piping treble came forth from the gloom the words, "Hillo, father, is she after you too !" Tho sequel was not told, bub poetic justice demands that the boy should have been lot off the licking. This is a good yarn, as '"Iron Sharpeneth iron, etc."

That was not tho only " bun worry' where the visitor might pick up stories both new and old. Mr. Horiot, of. Keuniera, in an address at the Sundayschool Anniversary of the Ponsonby B.iptists positively revelled in'them. Ho was delivering a lecture on " The Best Way to Teach a Class," in the courso of which ho stated that a teacher in Scotland was imparting a lesson in physiology to a class of boys, and soarchingly asked, "Name tho pipe which goes from tho mouth to the stomach. A small boy promptly hold up his hand. He had been deeply impressed with a national work of soino importance, and ejaculated "The Caledonian Canal "— which Mr. Heriot remarkod was a long and wide view of the subject;.

A 3011001 inspector—and there aro Bueh inspectors—peremptorily demanded from a standard claes, "Who signed Magna Charts?" There was a dead silence. Again he repeatod his query in a higher key, No reply. Then in menacing tones he said, "Is there no one can answer ? I ask once more, Who signed Magna Charta?" An urchin, who thought a heinous offence had beM sheeted home, snivellod over his dirty cuffs, " l'leaao sir, it wasn't me.'"

An Auckland parson last Sunday night made a rather amusing slip. Ho said he had been spoken to during the week about a lecture he had given to young men, and was asked why he had noC given one to young women. In explanation of tho omission he said he thought that he had, during his lecturo to young men," embraced the young women," and the pareon wondered why a subdued titter followed the announcement, and that thoro was a "shaking of the dry bones" in tho congregation. I understand the Wolf—for short -of the fold will foregather to-morrow evening with the lambs of the flock, and also have a word to say to tho old Tabbies.

An Italian on Wednesday last was turning over an honest penny by twirling coloured bladder balloons before the envious gaze of small boys for Mr. Ferguson went up to him, and in his beet Heytalian (from Cork), explained that it was the Wednesday half-holiday, and,at that time he must not exhibit his bladders to the public gaze. The interview went on in dumb show, the Inspector pointing to the doors oi shop 9 being locked up in proof of the statutory holiday. Signor Maccaroni could make nothing of the pantomime, and Inspector Ferguson, in despair, laid the Italian on to a more efflcienb interpreter, to wit, a woll-known musical entrepreneur, ox-Minister for Labah in the Union Parliament, and Maccaroni wont on humming, " I'm off to Dixie!" A Chinaman has also been caught on the hop, and a "shining light" has 15 charges of breaches of the Aot preferred against him, when he interviews the S.M. next week. It's a queer world, my masters! Mkrootio,