ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXIV, Issue 10407, 3 April 1897, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

New Father: "What's the baby crying for?" Mother: "Because I told him ha looked like you." Every man knows of a position superior to his own that he could fill much better than the incumbent.

"Oh, Louise! I have just heard some , thing dreadful about you !" " I thought so ; you looked so pleased." Smith: " And don't you think married love is true love?' . Brown: "It must be. Its course never doe 3 run smooth."

Fiddleback : " When Miss Twilling cornel in will you tell her that I called ?" Butler s "Sure, sir, aha knows it already." There aro few women who believe in putting off till to-morrow the worrying which can just as well be done today. "Mrs. Riffraff had her husband arrested for cruelty." " What had he been doing f " Tried to make her stop buying novels and read the cyclopedia." "Nothing," says Scribblr, "is more disheartening to a mau than Jtho discovery that he has married a woman who loves to keep his writing-table in order," " Please to give me something, sir," says an old woman. " I had a blind child—he was my only means of subsistence—and the poor boy has recovered bia sight." I Guest: " Why do you print your bill of fare in French?" Fashionable Restaura-, teur: " Because 1 want my patrons to' l think that I think they can read it." Brown : " I wonder why Paynter was so angry when I asked him what school of art he belonged to?" Smith : " What school! That implies that he has something to learn."

Spring Poet: " I should like to write fa your paper. You want the manuscripl sheets blank on one side, don't you?" Managing Editor: "On both sides, if you please." Assistant: " What makes the editor-in-chief look so broken up?" Office Boy: "Ho tried to subedit his wife's millinery bill, but the milliner iusisted that it should go as it was." Beggar (piteously): "Ah, sir; lam very, very hungry." Dyspeptic (savagely): " Then have the decency to keep your good fortune to yourself. I haven't had an ap' petite foryeare." " Hark !" cried the long-haired magazine poet, "howthe people cheer me—how thoy recognise genius 1" " You are mistaken," whispered his wife; "they think you're! football player !" " No, Mr. Coolhand," she said, kindly, " I am sure I could never learn to lore you." "Oh, perhaps you could," rejoined Coolhand, cheoringly, "hever too old to learn, you know."

Mrs. Brown : " I have secured my divorce from my husband." Mrs. Jones: "Then what are you looking so glum about ?" M«. Brown : " The judge gave him the custody of the family tandem bicycle." " Ah, dearest," sighed a young man, " do you know what of all things is nearest to my heart ?" " Really, I cannot) say," sin replied, " bub in this cold weather I should think it was a flannel veat." She was too practical, and it broke off the engagement. A party of vegetarians, while taking a walk in the fields, were attacked by bullock, which chased them furiously ooi of his pasture. " That's your gratitude, if it, you thankless beast!" exclaimed one ol the party, panting with fright. " After this I'll eat beef three times a day !" The following dialogue recently too« place in » Demerara police court. Is is vouched for as an absolute fact:—Magistrate (who has Sned a woman ten dollars or a month's imprisonment, for using indecent language on the public road, and is being appealed to earnestly by her friends to reduce the fine to six dollars, all the money they can collect): "Now tell me why you are so anxious to pay the fine and waste your money. She does not deserve your consideration." Friends (confidentially) : " You see, me Washup, wo muss pay in* fine and keep sho out o' gaol, fo , she have to be confirmed next Sunday."