ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXIV, Issue 10347, 23 January 1897, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Positive, wait; comparative, waiterf superlative, go get it yourself. Many people who shoulder a responsibility take care nob to have it strapped t«J tightly. Alice: " Oh, Edith, the honeymoon ii beginning,' to wane. Percy called me plain Alice to-day." Edith : "And yet yoa oq not so very plain, dear." Mr. Faintheart: "Do you think it would be safe for me to approach your pa on th( subject?" Miss Fair Lady: •' Oil, pan fectly ; be has the gout again." The old man shaded his eyes and looked after the fleeing bicyclist disappearing up the road. "I wonder," ho ruminated, " whether that's my boy or my girl?" Pat: " Faix, but it was a lovely fight intoirely." Dennis: "An' who wans* Pat: "It's hard tellin 1 , it is, wid both ol thiin in hospital, and neither dead yit.f He Knew"Her.—She: " Why, he yawned three times while I was talking to him." He: " Perhaps he wasVb yawning. Hβ may have been trying to say something." Spanner : " I understand Scorcher apd bis wife have quarrelled and separated." Lainpe: "Yes; he precipitated affairs by telling her she couldn'c ride a bicycle half as well as his mother did." "But I am so unworthy, darling,"iw murmured, as he held the dear girl's hand in his. "Oh, Harry," she sighed, "if yoa and papa agreed on every other point as you do on that, how happy we could be!" Rich and Crusty Old Bachelor: "Is that yourdaughteriu the drawing-room singing!" Designing Mother: " Yes, dear child; she's only killing time." " Well, she ought to have no trouble in doing it wifch tbaS voice."

Mrs. Subbubs (ab the breakfast-table)! "Ferdinand, the lawn needs uiofing. Mr. Subbubs: " Well, if Sarah willgoover to the Cada;enioi'e's and succeed in borrowing our lawn mower back again I'll see wbnt lean do about it." Husband (old style question): " Wbatl dipping into the third volume to see if everyone is married ?" Wife (new style of answer): " Oh, they were married in theft?! volume. 1 only wanted to see if it war really her husband who poisoned her." Miss Rosebud: "I'll never speak to Florence again. I was sure I'd be one & her bridesmaids." Henderson: "You shouldn't feel offended about that, Mia Rosebud. You know a girl never chooses» bridesmaid who is prettier than herself. At Manchester some time ago a hardworking Irishman fell out of a fourth-storey window and broke his neck. His wife of coarse, in great distress. After the funeral a neighbour called to offer W sympathy and condolence. "It was a very sad thing, indeed." " Indeed it was. M die like that—to fall out of a fourto;. storey window." "An , was it so baa. asked the visitor. "Sure, an' I heard a was only a third-storey window." A lunatic was peering through the iroa bars of a gate leading into an asylum yard, when up rode several red-coated hunter!, one of whom asked him if he had seen a »J pass that way. " What do you want » . fox for?" asked the lunatic. " s P° r V replied the huntsman. "And what 3 ._ sport?" interrogated the lunatic. y"[ ,- nothing," was the impatient rejoinder. "Well, now, look here, mister,"was. tM : ; : man's reply, "you just clear out o tm» ■ place as quick as you can; as sure M 7??.* alive they'll clap you inside this buildingThey said that they brought me here I« running aft"' , nothing." • .' ir^