ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXIII, Issue 10133, 16 May 1896, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

His mothee : "Yon see your grandpa is'..": very sick. Say something to him." The'.;'' son: "Grandpa, would you like tOybave& soldiers at your funeral ?" . • Mr. Fortune Banter: " Ah, my dear Miss y Snobhill, speak the word that will make me '-. the happiest of mortals." Miss Snobhill (a i wealthy heiress) : *' Money." :'S Teacher ; "Children, you should alwayj ■£■ respect your teacher. Now, Willy Green, i tell me why you should respect me." illy # Green: "On account of your age." C% Miss Elderly: "I am sorry to say no. I',"-.$ should think you could read my refusal in ',- my face." The Rejected : " I am not very ;■' expert at reading between the lines." Always at Hand.— Husband (rummaging?through a drawer) : " Well, it's very strange; £-\ I can never find anything." Wife: " You: % can always find fault, it seems to me." \!k Happy Mother: " Oh.George, the baby's ; . | beginning to take after you!" Happy?'. Father: After me ! In what way « Happy Mother: " He's beginning to crow!''..', " You say you wrote that joke yourself ?" M queried the editor. " Yes, sir," said the jokist. " You really don't look it, young ; man, but you must be about 325 years old." " Hannah," said the mistress to her new ;.£ girl, " yon can take that brown serge dree? 'I i of mine and pub it in soak." " Yes'in," '%. said Hannah " who's your favourite pawn, broker." He : "Do you love me well enough to be 6 my wife ?" She : " Mora than that I love '% you well enough to be your mother. ■,■ Haven't you heard that I'm going to marry '.'! your father ?"

Miss Passes: "I understand you do charming work and make very pretty ■ Eietures." Photographer: "Yes, miss;' ■-. ub I could make a natural likeness of you ■ if you prefer it." Poet (to his friend): "If you say so, I'll come and read ray now poem to you and your wife." Friend: "Perhaps it's best not, she might take revenge by cooking something for us." " Mamma, why do people say falling in love ?" " Because, my child, no sane individual desires to be held responsible for voluntary participation in such reprehensible precipitation." V Ah," said the cannibal chief, smacking bis tfps, " what kind of a minister was thai we had for dinner J" "Your Excellency," replied his companion, "I should say it was a prime minister." Mr. Huggard: "Ah I darling, must I say good-night." Harsh voice from top of stairs (full of sarcasm): " Nob necessarily, young man; not necessarily. If you wish to be truthful, yon must say good-morning." Magistrate (to prisoner): "Your hand was found in the gentleman's pocket. What have you to say?" Prisoner (disgustedly) : "Gentleman's pocket, hindeed! Call 'ira a genelraan? Why, there was nothink in his pocket 1" "I don't think your headache comes from any organic trouble," said Dr. Pillsbury to his patient, after the usual catechis- | ing. " No, it's not an organ," replied Mrs. I Barlow; "it is the constant pounding on the : piano next door which drives me frantic,"

Ethel: " But if you love me so much, you certainly should be willing to give up your cigars after marriage." Algernon: "Nob much. I've been giving up my ' cigars to your papa and brother Bob for the last sit months. After marriage I'll sweat off on that." Green (to Black, who is preparing for a Continental trip): " How do you get on with your language, old fellow I" Black: " Capitally. Why, I've gob so far now that -. I can think in French." Green : "Well, that's a blessing, for it's more than you could ever do in English." Abthe Theatre.—Youngster: "What beautiful heads of hair these ladies in front have!" Oldster "If the lady whose switoh has dropped off—" All six of the ladies bring their hands to the back of their heads spasmodically, and Oldster grins and chuckle!) as though he had done a bright thing.

The late Mr. Jay Gould was probably the most unscrupulous and least popular ol American financiers. Recently his son, Mr. George Gould, was away from Wall-street for some time, and during his absence tb( stocks in which he is interested went " all to pieces." When he returned, be remarked to a friend that "they had gone to- — "Never mind," was the soothing reply, "your father will get them."