ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXII, Issue 9991, 30 November 1895, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

A girl feels flattered when told she look J well in anything, but a wife thinks such a compliment only a plot to get her to wear old clothes.

Artist Friend (pointing to a sketch): " I say, Harry, whero did you pet that?" Harry: " Why, I got that out of my head.' 1 Friend : " Well, it's a lucky thing for your head that you got it out." A "Negative" Not Required.—She: " What do you think of this fad of having the hand photographed?" He: "I think a pretty girl can have her hand taken without, going to the photographer'*.',' Mrs. Sands: "Why don't you go to work?" Beggar: "Please, mum, I mads a solemn vow twenty ycirs ago that I'd never do anothor stroke of work til! women was paid th' same wages as man." ((jets a trifle.)

Tubbs (recounting his experience at a musical party a few evenings previously): " They did not even ask mo to sing." Miss Whitely (placidly): "You've sung there before, haven't you ?" " Yes, once. Why 5' " Oh, nothing."

"Tommy, your spelling report is very bad," sjid Mr. Hicks to his boy. " That s all right, papa," said Tommy. " When I grow up I'm going to dictate all my letter? like you do. It's the typewriter who'll have to know spelling, not me." Tailor "Married or unmarried?'' Customer: "Married." Tailor (to cutter): "Onepocket concealed in lining of ve«t." Customer: "Eh, what's that!" Tailor (explaining): "To hide your change, you know, ah night. I'm married myself." No Tact.—Mistress: "Why did you leave your last place"" Domestic: " Th' missus had no tact, mum." Mistre*?: " Ah, 180 S. That ii often the case." Domestic : " Yes, mum. She was always tellin' me to do things 'stead of asking nie to."

At the Barber';.—Customer (after being shaved): " Confound it! you have given me a horrid gash Barber: " Ves, sir; beg your pardon, sir!'' Customer: " How much do I owe you Barber: *' Shaving, threepence; sticking-plaster, one penny ; total, fourpenee." A Cruel Jest.—Householder (to unfamiliar gas collector): " I don't seem tc know your face. Where's the usual man— Jones?" Collector: "Laid up in bed.' Householder (bitterly): "Of course, will the old complaint—gastrick fever, eh? [Exit new collector, hurriedly.] " No," said the man who was shot in the head by his friend while they were out shooting, lost the greater part of an ear, and was scratched considerably, "I don mind the wounds so much, but it breaks my heart to have my head mistaken by a mo»t intimate friend for a rabbit." The editor of a newspaper that hs? adopted phonetic spelling in a measure received a postcard from an old subscriber in the country, which read as follows".J hev tuk your paper for leven yeres, but if you kant spel enny better than you hsv been doin for the last to months you may jes stuppit."