ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXI, Issue 9497, 28 April 1894, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

" This is a feast of reason," said the facetious cannibal as he swallowed the senior wrangler. An Irishman, speaking of a spell of sickness, said, " I laid speechless for six weeks, in the long month of August, and all my cry was watber, wabhsr." Getting even :—Ada : " Very well, 1 shall sue you for breach of promise." Jack Inabox : "Go ahead; I .-hall sue yon 1$: slander for saying I proposed to you." She (blushing): "Am I the first girl yoo. ever kissed. John?" He Well, no, darling; bub you are the last." She: "Am I really? Oh, John, it makes rue feel so happy to think that." Satan's little joke :—Shape : " I want you to understand that I was an alderman.' Satan : " That makes no difference. You may have been a big gun on earth, bub you don't cut any ice down here." Major (talking to widow about her lato husband) : " Yes ; I always liked Jim. Could you give me some small thing th.it; belonged to him, for a keepsake Wi-'ow -. " Well, what's the matter with me ?" (Hint taken.) A Scotch preacher once said : " But, my brethren, I will not dwell longer on this subject," only to hear a shrill voice from the gallery, from a woman who did not iip prove of written sermons : "Ye canna, foe your paper's rin out." Dolly : " The wretch ! And so he has been proposing to both of us ?" Polly: "It seems so." Dolly : " I wish we could think of some fearful way to punish him." Polly: "I have sin idea." Dolly: " What is it ?" Polly : " You marry him." Tramp: " Par ding, mum, bub I am told by your gossipy neighbour!? that you do not associate with people in trade." Mrs. Toplofty : " That is largely true." Tramp: " Yes, mum. Neither do I, mum, an' so I thorb I drop) in to take tea with you, mum.' He was deficient:—Merchant : " Yes, sir. I want a new bookkeeper; but you won'bdo." Applicant: " May I ask why ?" Merchant: " You are as bald as a billiard ball, sir. A man with no hair to wipe bis pen on will rust out a whole box every week." Mrs. Newrich : "I never can remember how many cards to leave when calling.' Old gentleman : " The rules are very simple, madam. You hand one to the servant, and then on departing leave as many cards on the plate as there are adult members of the family, adding two of your husbands cards, and occasionally dumping in a few more for good measure. Do not be niggardly in dealing out cards, as that suggests vulgar poverty." " I am ever so much obliged. May I inquire your name? " Certainly, madam. lam Mr. Bristol, the card manufacturer." "John," she said softly, "have you been saying anything nboub mo to mother lately?" "No," replied John. Why do you ask " Because she said this morning she believed you were on the point of proposing to me. Mow, Ido not wish you to speak to mother when you have anything of that kind to say. Speak to me, and 111 manage the business with mother. Ana John said he would. A good football joke is narrated by sir Wilfrid Lawson. Asked to become a football referee, Sir Wilfrid replied : " No, no ; I'm a man of peace, and I'm nob going into thab line of business; because not oner since two men were coming from a footoaii match carrying a long pole on which was a bag. The men were asked what they baa in the bag, and their reply was, weve got the referee in here.'" '