THE EVIDENCE OF GUNN.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXI, Issue 9402, 8 January 1894, Page 3

THE EVIDENCE OF GUNN.

I BEING A PAGE FROM' ARCHIVES OF J A FAMOUS COURT-MARTIAL. ! [From the Christmas Number of the Auckland Weekly News.] To the average civilian the word "courtmartial" calls up harrowing thoughts : of summary trials, decisive action, terrible sentences, and quick retribution, intermingled with tormenting visions of austere courts, dejected offenders, and scenes verging on the inquisitorial abuses of old. A horrible panorama of an execution in some secluded spot in the grey dawn haunts the dismal fancy of the morbidly sensitive, and in the mind's eye is depicted the hapless and helpless victim as he totters on the brink of an open grave and receives the leaden messengers of death from smoking rifles in the hands of an Unfortunate firing detail, who are afterward seen to perform the sad duties of a burial party. In the face of such conceptions who could regard the life of the soldier as a happy one ? While such fancies may not have been beyond the possibilities of dread reality in that gloomy time when families were divided and brother fought against brother, they are in time of peace too absurd to be entertained by intelligent persons, yet I have frequently been asked if such conditions now exist.

* No, my innocent and civil brother, such conditions do not exist, nor have they ever existed in this glorious country except in time of war, and even then in flagrant and desperate cases only. Discard your gloomy thoughts and learn that in these piping times of peace, when every little offence and minor breach of discipline is investigated by either a summary, garrison, or general courtmartial, it is not an uncommon occurrence for the genius of comedy to enter the inquisitorial chamber. •'-■■,•

Who would think it? Comedy parading before a court-martial 1 Even so.

A case comes to mind the ludicrous features of which. came very nearly upsetting the dignity of the gold-bedecked members of a court martial which was in session at one of our western posts. Private Schute, of company B, ——th infantry, was arraigned to answer to the awful charge of " conduct to the prejudice of good order and military discipline. This charge is one of the stereotyped kind which, like charity, serves to cover a multitude of sins. It is always on tap, is used extensively, and will be found covering a large percentage of accusations against military offenders. When all other specific charges covered by the articles of war fail to meet the requirements of a case, the sombre and well-worn blanket of " conduct to the prejudice," etc., is spread over a sheet of legal cap and the entire omnibus hurled at the unfortu aate offender's head.

la this particular instance, the charge was followed by a long-winded specification wherein it was set forth that the aforesaid Private Scliute " having been duly and regularly detailed as barrack-room orderly, did become intoxicated and did fail to properly perform the duties of his office," and that " in his drunken and unsightly condition he did walk through the streets of the garrison. This to the disgrace of the uniform which he wore," etc. To the reading of the foregoing budget of seriousness the unmanacled prisoner listened in painful and patient silence. When the judge advocate of the court asked him what he had to say the stolid face of the bronzed warrior underwent a transformation and took on a soul-stirring air of injured innocence as he very modestly asked that a plea of not guilty be entered. On behalf of the prosecution three witnesses were introduced who testified in supEort of the heinous offences alleged to have een committed by the prisoner at the bar. So positive and conclusive was the testimony of these witnesses that the judge advocate of the court deemed it unnecessary to call upon others who had been cited to appear. He rested the prosecution on the overwhelming evidence adduced, but to give the trial the proper legal flavour he asked: " Private Scijute, what have yon to offer in defence'" Rising slowly from his chair Private Schute gulped down a big luilJp of something which had gathered in his threat— was au old hand at the business, havffig earned the sobriquet of the guard-house faH'^er—and, raising a pair of pleading eyes, the"-warrior spoke in tremulous tones : »->, " May it please the court, Private Gunn,. my ' bmiky' [a soldier bedfellow], was with me on the day in question, and I wish to introduce his testimony as to my sobriety at that time. 'I also desire to testify in my own behalf. ; , That is all 1 have to offer, and I confidently rely on the justice of the court." Resuming his seat with a self-satisfied air, he looked around at the members of the court to sec whether his little speech had pleased them on account of his airy and refined manner of doing business. . Private Gunn, who was in convenient waiting, was called. After being duly sworn according to law, he testified to the identity of the accused and stated that on the day in question he was in the company of the prisoner, who, he alleged, was not intoxicated at any time. Considerably startled by such conflicting testimony, old Major Ball, the president of the court, dropped the newspaper which he was reading, other members of the court awoke from a lethargy into which they had pardonably fallen, the judge advocate opened his eyes in wild astonishment, the prisoner smiled complacently, and, looking straight at Private Gunu, who was now the cynosure of all eyes, he remarked, " That's all.' Glad enough to escape, Private Gunn turned to leave the room, put before he could make his exit he was called back by the president of the court. " Do you mean to positively assert," asked that officer, " that Private Schute was not intoxicated on the day in question ?" " Yis, sorr, that's what Oi do," answered the witness, as he cast an affectionate glance at his " bunky." "Oi wuz wid him nearly all th' day an' he niver got full." " Did you see him drink any liquor at all ?" " W-e-l-l,s-om-e," responded the hesitating Gunn, "but he wuz niver drunk." " How many times did you see him drink interposed a natty second lieutenant, whose curiosity was now excited. " Oh, jist a few toimes, sorr." " How many times do you consider a few ?" asked the officer.

" Not many, sorr," "That's equivocation!" cried the lieutenant. "Oi dunno, sorr," responded Gunn, "but he wuzzent full." "Answer the gentleman's question," said the judge advocate, who came to the relief of the puzzled witness. " Did you see the prisoner drink, say, five times ?" " Yis, sorr." " Did you see him drink ten times?" " Y-i-s, s-o-r-r." " Did he drink oftener than ten times ?"

" Oi guess he did, sorr."

" Private Gunn remember that you are under oath. Did you see the prisoner drink fifteen times ?"

"Oi did-didn't count 'em, sorr, b-b-but Oi sh-sh-shouldn't wonder if he did, but he niver got full," answered the stammering witness as he cast his eyes upon Schute with a please-forgive-me look that had its effect on the court if not upon the prisoner.

The members of the court looked significantly at one another. It was plainly evident that all were extremely interested, if not greatly amused, by the hesitating manner of the now unwilling witness.

The president of the court— old veteran who had grown grey in the service, whose heart was not hall as hard as the strong lines in his face—arose from his seat and 2 assuming an air of dignity which the twinkle in his grey eyes belied, addressed the witness :

"Private Gunn, this court is not to be hampered by prevarication or half answers. What we want is the unvarnished truth without qualifying opinions. You say that the prisoner drank fifteen times but that he did not become intoxicated. Now, between what hours did he take those drinks ?" " Botune tin o'clock in th' marnin' an' wan o'clock in the afthernoon, sorr/'

PRIVATE SOHDTES PLEA. "' What kind of liquor did ho drink ?" " Whisky, sorr; nothin m it. .■* . __„ " Whisky 1" exclaimed the astonished officer. " For three hours you observed the prisoner drinking whisky at intervals of but twelve minutes, and yet you have the temerity to say to k this court chat he aid not become intoxicated?"

* "Ah, shure, major, it was sutler's whisky." "No levity," sir! thundered the major, who suppressed a smile as he asked: "Do you . know , what the word * intoxicated' means?" ■'■■ . ~, • j. " Share," replied the witness. "Well, what?" j . ,- .; "Plain drunk, sorr." .>;*-: The dignity oi the court was suffering. All the members were required to hide their faces lest their appreciation of the ridiculous might be observed, ir , Recovering from the mirth-provoking effect of the answers of the witness, the major corrugated his brow even more deeply, and to the intense amusement of the other members of the court he again resumed the attack: " Do you know, sir, when a man is intoxicated . .-•

" Shure an' any wan knows that," replied Gunn. "Never mind about any other person," said the major, in frigid tones; "do you know it?" ■.>. .".v ,

" Av coorse Oi do."

" Then, according to your opinion, in what condition must a man be to be considered in* toxicated?"

" Shure, whin he's loaded, sorr." "Tut, tut!" testily ejaculated the major; " that is not answering my question. What I want to know is what the condition of the man must be, his balance of mind, his condition as to usefulness. or helplessness, his ability to walk and talk! his—" "Oh, well, that depinds," interrupted Private Gunn.

"Depends on what?" excitedly cried the major. , .-■■'■ " On what ye moight consither bein' drunk," calmly responded the witness. •'That's exactly what I am labouring to ascertain," said the major, as he gazed at the ceiling vainly trying to recover his composure. "When do you consider a man drunk, or intoxicated, or full,as you term it? Come, sir, give us your unhindered ideas on the subject." " Faith, Oi will, major," slowly responded the witness, and, after lowering his head and stealing a furtive glance at his " bunky," he raised his eyes and said "As Oi obsurved befoor, major, it depinds intoirly on wan's own ideas. For mesilf Oi don't think a man can be called downright drunk till he topples over an' has to grab a root to kape from fallin' off the earth." Had the flagstaff fallen on the military justice shop it would not have created more consternation than did this parting shot fired by Private Gunn. But offended pride soon reeled and tottered before the unique and uncompromising definition, of the Greek for "jag," and dignity flew helter-skelter from the composition of the court as the drollery of the answer penetrated the bumps of wit on the craniums of the members. The pressure was too great, and a chorus of laughter assailed the walls of the rooms, severely disturbing the equanimity of the adjutant's clerical force, who were driving quills in the adjoining room, and who instantly thought that justice had gone mad. Well-preserved chunks of that laugh are yet lodged in the crevices oi the plastercraoked walls of the court-room at old Fort Y , and whoever visits the post is not permitted to depart without learning the origin of the by-gone saying, * s Grab a root."

THE DIGNITY OF THE court WAS GONE. The phrase was adopted as a by-word throughout the garrison, and its popularity became widespread, but it did not save Private Schute. That warrior was found guilty, and was duly sentenced by the court to haVd, labour for ten days.